August 24, 2004
The Kurgan
Big, ugly, powerful, rude, scary, and damn good with a sword: this describes the Kurgan (Clancy Brown) fairly well, but the only way to get a feel for what this guy can do is to see him in action. Watch as he slaughters and tortures the poor mortals who have no chance in a fight against him. Witness the annihilation be brings upon everyone in his path. Merciless and arrogant, The Kurgan rides through time on the strength of those other immortals he has killed, beheading them and swallowing their power with the goal of being the last immortal left as the ultimate Prize to be won. But, there are other immortals out there...
Connor MacLeod (Christopher Lambert) is a Scottish Highlander growing up in the early 16th century. He has been blessed (or cursed) with the powers of the Quickening as well, and once he realizes his capabilities as a warrior, he sets out to protect his own head before The Kurgan can add it to his collection. Over hundreds of years, the battle rages across the world between immortals until, finally, in 1985, The Kurgan and MacLeod cross paths again in New York City. Given the setting, some war techniques will have to change to ensure these two can battle to the death without seeing such nuisances as the cops getting involved. In the meantime, MacLeod gets "distracted" by a love interest whom is soon kidnapped by the Kurgan. Forced to fight for the Prize at last, MacLeod accepts the challenge from the Kurgan and the war is on.
Regardless of the country or time, however, the Kurgan is relentless in his quest for the Prize. He viciously runs over people in his path, but not before having fun and taunting them incessantly. His looks range from medieval maniac to goth nightmare, but he remains large and in charge wherever he roams. In the case of MacLeod however, he knows the Kurgan can be wounded. His teacher, Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez (Sean Connery) left the giant with a large gash in his neck, nearly beheading him. But the wound didn't save MacLeod's mentor from being killed in the end. Nor did it save MacLeod's first love from being raped by the maniac. In the end, MacLeod does avenge both Ramirez and his love, decapitating the Kurgan atop a New York City rooftop. The world may have been given a reprieve from an evil and powerful immortal lurking about, but for now MacLeod can take pride in the fact he took down one of the scariest dudes ever to walk the Earth.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: He's no supervillain, but the Kurgan is smart enough to work his way through his fellow immortals.
POWER - 8: His supernatural powers and strength give him the edge over any mortal, and make for incredible battles with Connor MacLeod.
VILENESS - 10: For everything this guy's done in the past few millenia, his score should probably be a 20.
SWAY - 9: One of the darkest voices in history is complemented with a wicked sense of humor, usually leading to sheer terror.
PURITY - 9: The Kurgan is absolutely consumed by the quest for immortality, destroying anything in his way with an evil sneer. But not in a church.
PHYSICAL - 10: This is what Darth Vader should have looked like underneath the helmet.
TOTAL: 52
Posted by Destro at 12:30 PM
August 16, 2004
Lex Luthor
Lex Luthor (Gene Hackman) is so dangerous and filled with evil that it's hard to imagine the world being able to stop him without Superman (Christopher Reeve) on its side. This self-proclaimed "greatest criminal mind" certainly earns respect with numerous attacks on the planet, not to mention the entire state of California. Lex found an enemy in the Man of Steel, and with the discovery of kryptonite, was able to exploit one of Supes' very few weak spots.
Luthor's first plan was to sink California into the Pacific Ocean by blasting the San Andreas Fault with giant missles. When that failed, he joined forces with General Zod, hoping his association with a guy with the same Kryptonian powers Superman possessed would help his own cause. Luckily, Luthor was out of action for Superman III, but he would return with another devious plan: create a nemesis out of Superman's DNA. Nuclear Man was born, but soon fell to the Last Son of Krypton, as did Luthor's dreams of ruling the world... again.
Lex is 100% criminal. He loves living the high life and stepping on the little people, intent on asserting his will on those who oppose him. He formed a unique connection with Superman, for as noble and courageous as the Man of Steel was, Luthor would counter by being just as nefarious and vile. Eventually, Luthor would be caught, and only the righteousness of Superman would save the supervillain from being pummelled into powder for his evil deeds. The question at this point: will we ever see Superman battle Lex Luthor on the big screen again? There seems to be no prison that can hold gool old' Lex, except for the one that's keeping a new Superman series in pre-production hell.
INTELLIGENCE - 9: He is a genius, no doubt, but what the hell is he doing with Otis for a right-hand man?
POWER - 4: Weak, and a bit scared when it comes to physical altercations.
VILENESS - 10: Millions of lives are at stake whenever this guy puts another plan into action.
SWAY - 9: Lex loves to talk, and hear himself talk, and can match wits with anyone. Extra points for being able to make Superman mad.
PURITY - 10: Power has absolutely corrupted Luthor. He won't stop and will gleefully hurt more people in the process.
PHYSICAL - 4: He's got an interesting wardrobe; not as wild as The Joker, but still unique.
TOTAL: 46
Posted by Destro at 12:17 PM
April 16, 2004
Dark Helmet
Princess Vespa (Daphne Zuniga), Daughter of Roland, King of the Druids, runs away from home on her wedding day and, seeing an opportunity, the evil Spaceballs snatch her up. King Roland hires journeyman space pilot Lone Star (Bill Pullman) and his cohort Barf (John Candy) to bring Vespa home, but they have a huge challenge ahead of them. The Spaceballs are led by Dark Helmet (Rick Moranis), the evil commander dressed in black who has attained vast amounts of money and power. All this despite the fact he's the shortest guy on his ship and can't breathe inside his helmet.
Still, Dark Helmet must answer to President Skroob (Mel Brooks) and command his ship, all while trying to seduce the Princess. Eventually, she escapes with Lone Star and the chase is on. Dark Helmet would have more luck finding the princess if he wasn't surrounded by assholes. He does not suffer their incompetence, however, and threatens to inflict great pain on the (Space)balls of any man who fails to do their job. So, at least his crew is motivated.
Ultimately, Dark Helmet and Lone Star face off against each other for the first time for the last time. Dark Helmet tricks the naive Lone Star into giving up his Schwartz, but as we all know, the Schwartz cannot be stored inside of a ring or a medallion, but inside all of us... or something like that. The point is that Lone Star proves his worth as his true lineage is revealed. He is a prince and therefore free to marry Princess Vespa. Dark Helmet, on the other hand, finds himself marooned on a strange planet with the President and his top Colonel after blowing up his own ship. There goes the planet, indeed.
Dark Helmet uses fear to keep his crew in line and to run whatever parts of the galaxy he can, but the insolence of a few rebels are enough to scuttle his great plans for universal conquest. He may be ruthless and power hungry, but he isn't the brilliant or - ahem - tall maniac one might fear. But then again, this is Spaceballs, and for the citizens of this universe, he's the worst that they've got.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: Was one of the few assholes on that ship who knew what he was doing.
POWER - 4: Has the power of the Schwartz, but can't fight his way out of a paper bag.
VILENESS - 7: Vowed to suck all the air out of Druidia's atmosphere and steal its princess.
SWAY - 7: Normally, a bit annoying, but when he puts down the mask, he can intimidate quite well with his dark evil voice and his crew is terrified of him.
PURITY - 6: Dark Helmet is a born leader and certainly evil, but he can get frightened at times. And he plays with dolls.
PHYSICAL - 6: His disguise would be fantastically evil if he wasn't so short.
TOTAL: 36
Posted by Destro at 10:16 AM
April 06, 2004
Audrey II
During a solar eclipse, Seymour Krelborn (Rick Moranis) discovers a strange little plant while walking around Chinatown. He brings this little flytrap back to Musknik's flower shop in skid row where he works and tries to nurse it to health. He even names the little bud after the girl he has a crush on, Mushnik's shop girl Audrey (Ellen Greene). But Seymour soon discovers after cutting his finger that the only food little Audrey II (voiced by Levi Stubbs) takes to is human blood. And miraculously, the little plant speaks - only to Seymour - and asks him: "Feed me!"
Just as Audrey II is beginning to blossom, so is Seymour's relationship with the real Audrey. She's dating a lunkhead dentist who treats her badly, as can clearly be seen by the black eye she sports one morning. And since Seymour can't keep going to the butcher shop Audrey II's food, the plant convinces Seymour that they can kill two birds with one stone: knock off the dentist and let Audrey II dispose of the evidence, ridding Audrey of the abusive boyfriend and giving the plant some well-needed food. In other words: "The guy sure looks like plant food to me!" The plan is more or less accomplished, but guilt immediately overtakes Seymour. Audrey II, however, is overtaken by something much worse: bloodlust.
The dentist's body has accelerated the plant's growth as well as its appretite. A stronger and more aggressive Audrey II now demands more bodies, and Seymour is too scared to protest, worried that the next meal might be him or - even worse - Audrey. Meanwhile, the huge plant has attracted a crowd and media attention. Seymour doesn't want to feed Audrey II anymore, but Mr. Krelborn demands he take care of the plant because it's the only reason his little shop is still in business. Reluctantly, Seymour knocks off some more people and feeds them to the growing plant.
Soon, Audrey II is enormous and Seymour is afraid there's no stopping the plant. He confides in Audrey the secret of the plant and offers his undying friendship; she is touched by how well he treats her - no one ever has before. They make a plan to run off together, but first Seymour has to take care of Audrey II. The problem is that Audrey II has grown to enormous size and has already started budding, producing additional little flytraps who need blood too. Soon, she'll be big enough to move beyond skid row and in the city, taking it over, and eventually, the world! (She is a mean, green mutha from outer space, after all...) Seymour won't let that happen though, and after a brutal fight that tears down the Musknik flower shop, Seymour electrocutes Audrey II, blowing her into a million pieces. Seymour and Audrey go off to live in a little house with a white picket fence, and for Audrey II, suppertime is cancelled... permanently.
INTELLIGENCE - 7: Audrey II is a relentless schemer. She has to be since she can't move to do her own dirty deeds.
POWER - 6: While she could barely move, Audrey II would ultimately be able to use those big strong vines and buds in creative ways.
VILENESS - 10: You thought that plant just wanted to eat people, until she revealed her plans to take over the world!
SWAY - 9: She played Seymour for a sap perfectly, trying for pity and then using all-out intimidation and aggressive tactics.
PURITY - 9: Audrey cared only about getting fed and getting bigger, even telling Seymour that some of those victims "deserved to die."
PHYSICAL - 7: Audrey II started out as a cute little flytrap in a tin can. Then she became a gigantic, hideous, man-eating monster!
TOTAL: 48
Posted by Destro at 10:10 AM
April 02, 2004
Aliens
They lurk behind every corner. They hide in the shadows. They seem to be everywhere. And when you least expect it, they strike -- from below, from above, from behind, or maybe from right in front of you. Most are too terrified to fight back, and those that aren't get ripped to pieces by their gigantic jaws and razor-sharp teeth. The really unlucky ones, however, are taken deep inside their lair and become the victims of their parasitic offspring. And in one agonizing burst from beneath their rib cages, the victims die as the new Aliens greet the world.
These slippery and sickening xenomorphs were first found on the planet LV-426 when the cargo ship Nostromo answered a distress call. Its crew discovered a race of extraterrestrials long dead along with other beings growing inside a field full of eggs. One of the crew came back to the ship with some kind of being attached to his helmet. It had crawled in and attached itself to his face. Days later, the being died and fell off by himself. For a while, the crewmember seemed fine until one fateful day when he was overcome with pain in his stomach. Moments later, an alien burst from his chest, killing him immediately and ushering in the age of the Alien.
Nostromo crewmember Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) would miraculously survive her ordeal with the alien, which shed its skin numerous times, transforming into a giant hideous beast that tore her crew apart. She blew the beast into space and retreated to a cryosleep chamber. 57 years later, she would be found, only to discover that LV-426 had been settled by colonists hoping to establish new cities on the planet's surface. And the Company involved with sending them there had recently lost contact with the colonists. A troop of Space Marines would be dispatched with Ripley aboard as an advisor to determine the problem. Sure enough, the Aliens had taken over the settlement and the Marines tried to fight them off. Eventually, Ripley would escape again, this time by blowing up the entire settlement in a massive explosion. But even back on the mothership, she'd have to defend herself from an Alien Queen one more time.
Time and again, Ripley would find herself at odds with an Alien, but the conditions of her surroundings (and herself) would be different each time. Ripley would crashland onto a penal colony planet to discover she had been "impregnated" with an alien before the crash. She would find herself fighting off another hideous alien before doing the only thing she could do to kill this final beast: jumping into a giant incinerator, committing suicide.
Though it all, the Company would be after their precious Alien specimen. Determined to be the ideal planetary weapon, the Aliens could kill in so many ways, using their physical strength, size, and survival instincts and abilities. They even had acid for blood, which made it more difficult to kill them (for risk one would die with them). But the Company would strike again years later, using a DNA sample from Ripley to clone her with the Alien beast inside of her. During the process, things didn't quite go according to plan and Ripley emerged with some of the Alien race's more subtle attributes, like senses of smell and increased strength. An Alien would be extracted from Ripley's body surgically, but once again, a race of aliens would wreak havoc for the scientists trying to control them.
Without question, the Alien is one of the strongest and most lethal villains in the movie universe. Even one - as it has been seen numerous times - can cause incredible hardship. Many of them working together are a total nightmare. And that's the thing: the Aliens do have the ability to work together, and certain specific members of the race have emerged. The Alien Queen, specifically, is quite large and powerful and has the ability to produce dozens, if not hundreds, of new eggs. So it would seem the only way to rid the universe of these beasts is to destroy their home planet and pray they haven't gone anywhere else. As one Space Marine once put it, it's "the only way to be sure."
INTELLIGENCE - 5: The race seems to act on instinct, and can understand some of the events going on around them. Not everything, though.
POWER - 9: Big and powerful with unquenchable appetites and acid for blood. Clumsy at times.
VILENESS - 10: The lucky ones are brutally killed in every way possible. The unlucky ones become alien incubators with chest-bursting results.
SWAY - 5: The aliens do communicate some elementary forms of influence, usually by hissing and showing their teeth.
PURITY - 10: There's no stopping them. They will keep coming until the last possible moment.
PHYSICAL - 10: Quite possibly, the most frightening-looking creature in motion picture history.
TOTAL: 49
Posted by Destro at 09:03 AM
April 01, 2004
Carter Burke
The last thing Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) needed after a 57-year nap was another helping of corporate lies. The Company ignored her warnings of danger on LV-426, the planet where she and her crew had discovered an Alien. And now one of their project leaders, Carter Burke (Paur Reiser), was asking Ripley to join the trip out to that planet as an advisor. And they would annihilate any Aliens out there. Yeah, sure.
Accompanied by a crack team of Space Marines, Ripley and Burke would find the settlement on LV-426 seemingly abandoned. Then, they found find traces of fighting, large gaping holes in solid steel, and strange H. R. Giger inspired matte paintings. Indeed, the Marines would encounter an entire nest of these acid-blooded baddies and take a bunch out, but not before most of their own squad had paid the ultimate price. And all the while, Carter Burke, Company Man watches the carnage, plotting his next move. When the Marines are ready to retreat from the doomed planet, Burke advises taking an alien specimen with them. No dice, they say.
Things aren't so easy, however, as their rescue ship is crashed by an alien, and now they'll have to sweat 17 days in the planet until the next ship arrives. The Marines find a young girl named Newt who has survived for weeks in the underbelly of the settlement, and she takes to Ripley like a daughter to a mother. Carter Burke, seemingly out of options, releases an alien facehugger into the sleeping quarters of Ripley and Newt, hoping one of them will become "impregnated" with an alien specimen and they'll be able to carry it back to Earth inside their bodies, undetected by anyone. The Marines realize what's happening, find the women, and kill the alien, and now Burke's ass is grass.
His imminent beating at the hands of the Marines is interrupted by an all-out alien attack. While the Marines fight them off valliantly, Burke cowardly and foolishly scurries out the back and locks the door behind him. The Marines are trapped and forced to make a stand while Burke tries to escape the settlement on his own. He soon realizes this was The Worst Idea in the Universe when he is greeted by an alien. Burke becomes the latest in a long line of victims, ironically by a member of the species he was trying to save from being destroyed. His cowardice in the face of grisly death is unforgivable, especially when a little girl was ready to fight before he was. Carter Burke is even worse when you realize he's a backstabber too. At least a facehugger will look you in the eye when it attacks you... sort of.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: He's a scheming salesman whose ability to lie makes him the right guy to send to go bring back an alien.
POWER - 3: Not physcially special at all. Below average.
VILENESS - 10: Sets up everyone for immenent death by protecting the alien race, then tries to kill off anyone in his way.
SWAY - 7: Slightly charming but generally non-threatening, which is helpful to convince Ripley to join the Marines on their trip to Hell.
PURITY - 8: Burke is a classic Company Man, doing everything he's told and collecting his cash.
PHYSICAL - 2: Looks and acts like a total wimp.
TOTAL: 36
Posted by Destro at 09:40 AM
March 25, 2004
Gordon Gekko
Capitalism and power suits went together in the 80s like peanut butter and jelly, and there was no bigger shark in the dangerous Wall Street waters than Gordon Gekko (Michael Douglas). The cold-hearted corporate raider was famous for buying troubled companies and selling off their assets to the highest bidder, thereby making himself tons of cash and putting thousands of employees out of work. Gekko lived by the mantra: "What's worth doing is worth doing for money."
Along the way, a young bright-eyed broker by the name of Bud Fox (Charlie Sheen) made it his life's goal to become Gekko's protege. He was relentless in his quest just to get a meeting with the millionaire, and when he finally did, Gekko liked what he saw. Fox would have to prove his worth through loyalty and results, and while getting those results may not make any friends, Gekko would advise him: "If you need a friend, get a dog."
One the the quintessential Gordon Gekko moments comes when he addresses an entire room full of stockholders. His speech on greed is what defines him as a capitalist and a person:
"The point is ladies and gentlemen that greed, for lack of a better word, is good. Greed is right. Greed works. Greed clarifies, cuts through and captures the essence of the evolutionary spirit. Greed, in all of its forms - greed for life, for money, knowledge - has marked the upward surge of mankind..."
Gordon Gekko's greed is what sets him apart from the other wheelers and dealers, but it's also what sets him apart from those who follow the rules and those who break them. Gekko leverages inside information to strike when the time is right, dumping stock and leaving shareholders in ruin. When Gekko takes Bud Fox's advice to buy Blue Star Airlines - the company Bud's father has worked for for years - he sees an opportunity to make more money. The naive Bud watches in horror as Gekko tells the directors the company will be safe, then decides to dump the company so he can make millions and puts many out of work.
Embarassed and upset, Bud makes a deal with a white knight millionaire to save Blue Star and set up Gekko at the same time. Fox succeeds in his plan, costing Gekko millions, but finds himself in heavy violation of insider trading. An engraged Gekko faces Fox once again and admits to some of his wrongdoing before punching him in the face. The real punch comes when it is revealed that Fox was wired, turning on Gekko for the Feds. In the end, jail time is the only destiny for the likes of Gekko and Fox, but unlike Bud, you've got to believe that Gordon Gekko, a man who deals in information, will land on his feet with his eyes still firmly fixed on the prize.
INTELLIGENCE - 8: An extremely intelligent businessman with years of experience behind him.
POWER - 5: Knows how to throw a punch.
VILENESS - 6: In stock trading, there are no friends or allies; there is only money to be made.
SWAY - 9: Gekko will wine and dine you to make as much money as he can off you, then drop you like a bad habit.
PURITY - 8: Greed, of course, drives him, but he knows when he's been beaten.
PHYSICAL - 6: The greased-back 'do was very popular back in the day on Wall Street.
TOTAL: 42
Posted by Destro at 10:43 AM
March 15, 2004
Dick Jones
Dick Jones (Ronny Cox) has an interest in seeing Omni Consumer Products (OCP) become successful. Not only is he one of the Vice Presidents of the company below the CEO - also known as "The Old Man" - and in line to reap the profits of any big sales, but now that the company has the opportunity to supply the military with their products, the financial benefits could be enormous. So all Dick Jones has to do is stay in power as the Old Man's right hand man and squash any challengers to his throne. Like Bob Morton (Miguel Ferrer).
Bob Morton is a young, arrogant, but inventive young executive at OCP. He's got a pet project ready to go immediately as soon as one of Dick Jones' own demonstrations - the ED-209 urban pacification model - goes haywire. The Old Man is impressed when Morton's RoboCop program goes online and joins the Detroit Police force, but Jones loathes this young upstart and wants to shut him and his "bastard creation" down. So Jones hires a cop killer by the name of Clarence Boddicker (Kurtwood Smith) to take out both obstacles in Jones' way. With RoboCop (Peter Weller) out of the picture, he could roll the ED-209s back out onto the streets. Even if they don't work, OCP will provide expensive spare parts for years to come. But while Morton dies in an explosion, RoboCop cannot be killed so easily. In fact, RoboCop brutally interrogates Boddicker and discovers that Dick Jones is behind the whole thing.
With a visual record of Boddicker's confession in his memory, the cyborg storms in on Dick Jones and prepares to arrest him. That's when RoboCop discovers the mysterious Directive 4 which has been programmed into his system. Jones explains that any attempt by him to arrest a senior officer of the company will result in immediate shutdown. RoboCop tries to fight off his programming but when Jones brings in an ED-209 to take care of him, his priority is to get out of Jones' office alive. A few giant explosions later, RoboCop escapes but has been branded a fugitive by his own police force.
Dick Jones knows RoboCop has to be destroyed, and after a quick negotiation with Boddicker, he hands over an arsenal of military weaponry to finish the job. RoboCop fights off the whole crew and takes down Boddicker once and for all, but justice hasn't been served yet. RoboCop storms OCP Senior Meeting and explains the situation to The Old Man himself: Directive 4, Clarence Boddicker, Bob Morton. RoboCop even delivers the most damning testimony from Dick Jones himself: a visual record from his memory of Jones admitting he "had to kill Bob Morton because he made a mistake." Jones tries to take The Old Man hostage and escape, but The Old Man comes up with the best move of all: "Dick, you're FIRED!" RoboCop thanks the Old Man and summarily blasts Dick Jones through a window, sending him to his death dozens of stories below.
Dick Jones is the ultimate corporate scumbag, devious and conniving, arrogant and untrustworthy. He's out for money and power, and will step on anyone in his way, especially fellow OCP associates. But his involvement with killers and his own supreme hubris brings him down. Dick Jones is a smart bastard, but by the end, his plans - like his best corporate suit - are full of bloody holes.
INTELLIGENCE - 8: Dick Jones had the great foresight to put products onto the street that couldn't fight back against OCP.
POWER - 4: He made Clarence Boddicker do most of the dirty work, but Jones would occasionally take out the trash himself.
VILENESS - 8: Joes took to hiring thugs to take out the corporate competition and pushing dangerous robots onto the streets just to make a buck.
SWAY - 8: Jones wasn't afraid to physically intimidate the junior partners and had a scary reputation amongst all of them.
PURITY - 10: Relentless ambition and reckless disregard for the public's safety led to some legendary corporate greed decisions.
PHYSICAL - 2: An old man in an old gray suit.
TOTAL: 40
Posted by Destro at 11:35 AM
November 05, 2003
Ming the Merciless
The supreme Emperor of the planet Mongo, Ming the Merciless (Max Von Sydow), controls through fear and terror. He amuses himself by destroying other planets in the solar system. Back home, he uses his secret police force to find those who oppose him and destroys anyone in his way. So, it is with a bit of a chuckle that the mighty Ming is brought down by a fair-haired goofy quarterback named Flash Gordon (Sam J. Jones).
Kidnapped along with travel agent Dale Arden (Melody Anderson) by the brilliant but misunderstood Dr. Zarkov (Topol), Flash finds himself on this strange planet being run by a psycho with plans to destroy Earth. Well that just won't do for Flash, but before he can call any trick plays, Flash is executed. Short movie, huh? Well, Ming's impestuous daughter, Princess Aura, revives Flash and hides him Arboria with one of her lovers, Prince Barin. Flash realizes that all the different races - the Tree People, the Hawkmen, et al. - could defeat Ming if they only put away their differences and worked together. Ming has kept all of the groups fighting each other for so long and their distrust is so great that it seems impossible. Flash tries to convince Barin to team up with the Hawk Men... and then they're captured by the Hawkmen.
Meanwhile, Ming realizes that Dale Arden is a hottie and decides to make her his Empress of the Week. Those Earthling girls are tough nuts to crack though and she finds a way to escape with Zarkov before getting caught by the Hawkmen. Their leader, Prince Vultan, is a fun-loving blowhard, but like Barin, he has no interest in fighting Ming or teaming up with Barin and the Tree People. Flash is able to win over Barin and Vultan, but is it too late for Earth?
Ming smells treachery and discovers Flash Gordon is still alive. Undoubtedly, this was the work of his daughter and he approves her torture to locate Gordon. Soon enough, he recaptures Dale Arden and sets the wedding plans back into motion, leaving Gordon marooned in the soon-to-be-destroyed Hawkmen palace. As it explodes, Flash escapes and leads the Hawkmen into battle. Back on Mongo, Ming is about to say "I do" when one of his own ships, piloted by Flash, bursts through the side of his palace and impales the Emperor through the chest. So not only has Flash ruined Ming's plans for destroying Earth and getting married, but his daughter has turned on him and now he's dead. The only hope for Ming now is that someone will put on that ring of his, and perhaps the Merciless One will return.
INTELLIGENCE - 7: The Emperor is cold and calcuating, and like his name says, merciless.
POWER - 7: Ming is quite mortal, but his powerful ring and legions of troops protect him at all times.
VILENESS - 9: He destroys planets for his amusement, approves of his daughter's torture, and has his way with unwilling concubines.
SWAY - 5: Ming doesn't intimidate nearly as much as his right hand man, Klytus.
PURITY - 9: Ming has but one weakness: women. But each one only seems to last for a week.
PHYSICAL - 7: His elaborate regalia is not nearly as frightening as his eyebrows.
TOTAL: 44
Posted by Destro at 09:43 AM
October 31, 2003
Jack Torrance
If there's one thing we learned from Poltergeist, it's that Indian burial grounds are bad news. Pity that movie came out two years after The Shining, because that info could have really helped Jack Torrance (Jack Nicholson). Hired to be the winter caretaker of the Overlook Hotel located deep in the Rocky Mountains, Jack brings his wife Wendy and son Danny to live there with him for the winter. The solitude of the place should be perfect for Jack, who would like to utilize the peace and quiet to write.
Of course, Jack is let in on the hotel's dirty little secret before accepting the job: a previous caretaker named Grady went crazy, murdering his family and committing suicide. The complete isolation must have driven him crazy. Jack accepts the job anyway. Turns out that the isolation isn't the most dangerous thing up there, though, as the hotel itself - built on an Indian burial ground - begins to influence Jack and haunt the psychic-powered Danny.
Torrance tries to write but cannot, as he is continually interrupted by manifestations inside the hotel. He sees people from the hotel's past, guests and employees, including Grady himself. He is overtaken by these hallucinations, and is turned against his wife and son. Danny, on the other hand, sees visions of surreal horror, enough to make even the biggest kid crash their big wheel in the hallway. As his father's temper shortens, his rage builds, and Jack decends into complete madness, Danny finds a way to contact an ally, a cook from the hotel with the same psychic powers who decides to return to the Overlook.
Eventually, the hotel forces Jack's trembling hand, and his hands find their way to an axe handle. In one of the most memorable scenes in movie history - "Here's Johnny!" - Jack bashes through a bathroom door, looking to bash his wife's head in. When the hotel cook arrives to try and help, Jack slams the axe into his chest. Moments later, Jack is hot on Danny's trail, and the chase leads to a giant maze of overgrown shrubbery in the middle of a good ol' Rocky Mountain blizzard. Backtracking through the snow, Danny outwits Jack, who is drunk with rage and emotion. He stumbles around, unable to find his way back, and collapses. By next morning, Jack has frozen to death and Wendy and Danny have left. But the Overlook Hotel and the memories stored inside its walls still remain.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: Jack is an intelligent man, but nothing could prepare him for this hotel.
POWER - 5: As he gets crazier, his axe swings just get wilder (not more accurate).
VILENESS - 8: He's ready to kill his wife and son, and never hesitates once the hotel cook enters the fray.
SWAY - 8: His madness makes him louder and incredibly unpredictable.
PURITY - 10: By the end, Jack is no longer in control of his actions.
PHYSICAL - 6: At first, he just needs a shave. By the end, his face has adopted an almost primal snarl.
TOTAL: 43
Posted by Destro at 09:30 AM
October 22, 2003
Joan Crawford
This Oscar-winning actress was Hollywood royalty when she adopted a baby girl in 1939. Joan Crawford (Faye Dunaway) was nearing the end of her career, however; the plum roles were less frequent and her publicity was waning. Perhaps to boost her press coverage a little bit, she adopted a little girl whom she named Christina and became a mother after a number of miscarriages.
The little blonde with curls certainly took after her mother, showing a rebellious spirit at an early age. It was then that she discovered just how controlling her mother could be. Joan demanded nothing but perfection from her daughter, as well as the title of "Mommie Dearest." She yelled her daughter into submission, ordering her to swim laps in the pool and to eat rare bloody steak, no matter how tired or disgusted her daughter was of each.
The defining moment of their relationship took place one late night when Joan entered Christina's bedroom, rumaged through her closet, and discovered one of her little dresses on a wire hanger. "NO WIRE HANGERS!" she screamed with rage. Rousing her daughter from her bed, Joan scolded the frightened child and even beat her with the offending hanger. Soon after, Christina was sent to live at a private school. Years later, she would be sent to a convent.
Perhaps the most insulting maneuver by her mother occurred years later when Christina, who had always been a natural actress and studied at school, got work on a soap opera in New York City. Laid up in the hospital with a sudden illness, Christina watched as her mother insisted on replacing her on the show during her sickness. The fact she was supposed to be playing a woman half her age only made it more embarassing, for Joan and Christina.
Based on the book by Christina, Mommie Dearest depicted Joan Crawford as an obsessive, controlling, drunk maniac who couldn't bear not being the center of attention. Even after Joan tried choking Christina to death, she came to accept her mother's actions to be driven by a self-imposed condition more than by hatred. At the end of her mother's life, she was happy her mother's pain was finally over. And then Christina discovered she was left absolutely nothing in her mother's will. Even beyond the grave, her mom was one major bitch.
INTELLIGENCE - 5: Joan Crawford's savvy and drive were hampered by excess and a sense of entitlement.
POWER - 4: Strong enough to overpower a little girl like Christina.
VILENESS - 8: Her obsession with cleanliness and order drove her to do terrible things to her daughter, physically and mentally.
SWAY - 9: Joan backed down from nobody, screaming or acting to get her way. Only few could see through it.
PURITY - 9: Obsessive and controlling, she did manage at times to show love for Christina.
PHYSICAL - 6: Those eyebrows were damn scary.
TOTAL: 41
Posted by Destro at 06:05 PM
October 14, 2003
Rachel Phelps
It's been 40 years since the last World Series appearance by the Cleveland Indians, and the team, not to mention the city, continues to doubt their chances to ever return. To add insult to injury, the team's owner got married in the offseason and didn't survive the honeymoon. Now, just weeks before spring training, the Tribe is in the hands of the late owner's bride, Rachel Phelps (Margaret Whitton), a former stripper who hates Cleveland. She sets a plan in motion immediately to put together a team so bad that it will lose lots of games, causing attendance to drop below the minimum amount necessary to keep the team's agreement with the city intact. Miami is ready to welcome a new baseball team, and Rachel Phelps wants some sun and fun.
Enter the saviors of Cleveland. Invited to spring training are a bunch of nobodys, has-beens, and never-will-bes, including journeyman catcher Jake Taylor (Tom Berenger), pitcher Rick Vaughn (Charlie Sheen), Cuban defector Pedro Cerrano (Dennis Haysbert), and camp crashing outfielder Willie Mays Hayes (Wesley Snipes). Never given a chance before, these guys find this first opportunity the chance to open some eyes, play together, and just have fun playing baseball. Some of the guys are rough around the edges - including arrogant third baseman Roger Dorn (Corbin Bernsen) - but they work out their differences and playing for veteran manager Lou Brown (James Gammon), start playing some decent baseball.
Rachel Phelps has no interest in seeing a rag-tag group of overachievers trying to make any sort of succesful run. So, she starts to make things tough for the team, forcing the team's general manager to replace the team jet with an old rickety twin-engine charter, and then a cramped smelly bus. (Luckily, she doesn't figure out until Major League II that trading good players away works too.) The GM can't stand to see the team blindsided like this, so he tells Lou Brown, who passes the news onto the team. Their owner wants them to lose. The team is shocked, but completely energized by this turn of events. Starting at that point, the Indians begin a devistating run through the American League, rolling with a huge winning on their way to a two-way tie with the Yankees atop the division.
At this point, all Phelps can do is watch as the Indians complete their dream season by willing the one-game playoff against the Yanks in dramatic fashion. All the nobodys on the team have become stars because of their obvious talent and flair for the dramatic, and their ability to work together as a team. Rachel Phelps wanted to destroy the team and deprive Cleveland of a baseball team, but instead provided the Cleveland faithful with one of the most exiting teams they've ever seen.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: Crafted a simple straight-forward plan, and unwittingly put together a team with great chemistry.
POWER - 2: Other than slapping Cerrano's behind in the locker room, she was hands off.
VILENESS - 6: As the team owner, she's willing to do whatever it takes to ruin the team's chances of winning.
SWAY - 6: Condescending and arrogant, Phelps won't take no for an answer.
PURITY - 8: Not even when the Indians were on the verge of pulling out an incredible victory to win the division did she even begin to care.
PHYSICAL - 5: Struts around dressed like Cruella de Vil, only not as freaky lookin'.
TOTAL: 33
Posted by Destro at 10:18 AM
August 13, 2003
Freddy Krueger
Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) was a disturbed young man who murdered small children, but after lawyers managed to get Krueger off on a technicality, the community of Elm Street rose up in anger. The parents on the street (including those of the murdered children) hunted down Krueger, set his house on fire, and burned him alive.
Because he was killed so violently, Freddy was unable to go to Hell, instead winding up in some nether region where he has been able to stay connected to the Elm Street families by entering their dreams. Attacking the children of Elm Street, Freddy has been able to exact some revenge for his own murder. By killing them in their dreams, the children die in real life. So, it would seem, if you can avoid falling asleep, you can avoid Freddy. It's just not that simple as we have seen in the Elm Street movies.
Freddy's appeal as a villain is universal because everyone has had a nightmare at one time in their life. To think a madman like this could crawl into your head and screw with you is terrifying; when he actually does it to the kids on Elm Street, it is. Part of his advantage in dream land, besides knowing how to manipulate it for his own use, is his signiture look. The hat, the striped sweater, and of course, the glove full of razor-sharp knives.
In the various sequels, Freddy's learned to embrace his sense of humor, torturing the children (and anyone in his way) in deliciously disgusting ways. In 2003, he will finally square off against another horror icon, Jason Voorhees, and perhaps we will discover who will win the long-awaited battle. However, I think we all know Freddy vs. Jason will merely be the Round 1 of a new fight. One can only imagine who else may get involved.
INTELLIGENCE - 5: From the cleverness of the original to the dumbness of the later flicks, it all averages out.
POWER - 8: His only drawback is that he hasn't figured out a way to kill people while they're AWAKE. In dreamland, he rules.
VILENESS - 10: Slicing, dicing, and exploding teenagers on ceilings, in beds - he's done it all and more.
SWAY - 9: Extremely intimidating, but also loves to turn on the charm.
PURITY - 8: A complete nutbag, he's been known to show occasional weakness.
PHYSICAL - 10: The glove is an immortal horror icon. Nothing creeps you out more than this guy in a dark alley.
TOTAL: 50
Posted by Destro at 04:31 PM
Jason Voorhees
11-year old Jason Voorhees was attending summer camp when he presumably drowned in Crystal Lake. Mom blamed the camp counselors, but Jason's body was never found. He would return from his watery grave, however, to become one of the greatest figures in horror history. Jason would exact revenge on the same kind of campers and counselors who put him in danger, and his acts were ones of quiet rage and calculation. After ten films and over twenty years, the hockey mask has become an icon of blood-curdling terror.
Throughout the entire Friday the 13th series, Jason has offed over 100 people on screen with a vast array of fantastic devices. Consider this list of weapons used (which is by no means complete): icepick, barbed wire, straight razor, spear gun, cleaver, pitchfork, fire poker, surgical hacksaw, corkscrew, axe, broken bootle, tree branch, dart, tent spike, party horn, electric guitar, syringe, steam pipe, wrench, pencil, car door, deep frier, barbecue skewer, liquid nitrogen, and, of course, the machete. Yup... with versatility comes longevity.
As the years have passed, the movies and plots have become more jumbled and confusing, at times involving demonic possession and large leaps of logic (and in Jason X, a journey into space and the future). Now, in Freddy vs. Jason, he will finally match up against another horror icon, Freddy Krueger. After being manipulated by Freddy to kill some Elm Street residents, will Jason move aside for Freddy? My guess: not without a BIG fight.
After so many movie appearances, one thing remains true about Jason Voorhees: superstitious or not, everyone feels a slight twinge of uneasiness whenever Friday the 13th comes around. For that, you can thank the guy in the hockey mask.
INTELLIGENCE - 5: Don't know about anything else, but the man does know knives (and all other manner of cutlery).
POWER - 9: Shows great strength and staying power.
VILENESS - 10: Like his slasher film counterparts, Jason's strength is slicing, dicing, and impaling.
SWAY - 5: Let's his mask and machete do all the talking.
PURITY - 10: Nothing stops this guy. Dumb dudes, hot chicks, and everyone in between are all prospective victims.
PHYSICAL - 8: The hockey mask is a horror icon, and as Jason gets rattier in every sequel, so does the face underneath.
TOTAL: 47
Thanks to House of Horrors for helping me research this bio.
Posted by Destro at 11:54 AM
July 18, 2003
Damon Killian
He's been in the entertainment business for decades, and he knows what the people want: blood, carnage, death, destruction... In other words: entertainment. Such is the draw of the ICS Network's wildly successful TV game show, The Running Man, and the man behind it all, Damon Killian (Richard Dawson).
Produced with the cooperation of the Entertainment Division of the Justice Department, the show brings the world's most lethal and notorious criminals to justice while also giving them the chance to cheat death and/or interminable confinement. They can (supposedly) win their freedom by defeating the game's "stalkers" - trained killers with high-tech weaponry - and millions of screaming fans. Imagine the death penalty enforced by the WWE and you may get a clearer picture.
The ringleader of the circus is Killian, a seasoned TV veteran with a big ego and a loud mouth who has crafted The Running Man into a phenomenon, and is about to bring in his biggest contestant. Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger), a.k.a. The Butcher of Bakersfield, took the fall when hundreds of civilians were killed by the military. Now, he's being forced to run for his life, literally, while, at the same time, hoping to prove his innocence.
In between smooching little old ladies, Killian has relied on the game show to line his pockets and further his own image, all while dishing out a little bit of justice at the same time. When Richards gets involved, however, and starts fighting back, everything begins to collapse. Killian's thirst for higher ratings gets him in deep trouble, and when Richards finds his way out of the game and proves his innocence, he comes looking for the man in charge. How ironic that Killian meets his fate giving the people what they want: death and justice.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: Sometimes shrewd, always overbearing, occasionally whiny.
POWER - 3: He's a weak, older man: no match for Ah-nold.
VILENESS - 5: Doesn't give a crap about anybody except for himself.
SWAY - 9: All great game show hosts have tons of charisma.
PURITY - 9: Greedy and vain, he's all about the ratings.
PHYSICAL - 2: All movies from the 80s had its share of bad suits. His is one of them.
TOTAL: 34
Posted by Destro at 10:30 AM
October 31, 2002
Michael Myers
Happy Halloween. For so many cinematic trick-or-treaters, this holiday is no longer a happy time for eating goodies, either because they're dead or have been forever scarred by encountering a psychopath by the name of Michael Myers. On Halloween night 1963, six-year old Michael brutally murdered his older sister and ended up locked away in the county sanitarium for the next 15 years. On Halloween night 1978, Michael came home... and the rest is movie history.
Michael's primary targets would be found in his own family tree, his rage seemingly fueled by the abandonment for so many years. His sister Laurie Strode, Laurie's psychic daughter Jamie, and Laurie's son John were among subsequent targets. Myers' focus was always "dead on," but anyone - and we mean anyone - who got in the way got dead quickly, and usually in a creative and disgusting way. Getting impaled on something unnaturally was usually the grossest and most effective way to go.
However, no foe was quite as determined to rid the planet of Michael Myers as the legendary Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasence). Over a handful of sequels, the good doctor continued to pursue the dark legend, and he became more and more haunted as the bodies continued to pile up. After emptying six bullets into the body of Michael Myers in 1978 and watching him survive, Loomis would never ever give up until the very end.
Played in the original by the guy who directed The Last Starfighter (Nick Castle), The Shape's shoes are often filled by career stuntmen who enjoy taking an ass-kicking, absorbing various stabbings, electrocutions, gunshots, fire, windows, and other usually-fatal acts of mankind. His physical resilience is downright fascinating, and his obsession with revenge is neverending. It seems that no matter what you do, Michael Myers manages to survive... and prepares to return next Halloween.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: Myers' plans are plain, simple, and usually effective. And he knows how to drive a car.
POWER - 9: Deceptively strong for a guy his size, and absolutely impervious to pain.
VILENESS - 10: Impaling and slashing people has rarely been done better, and with such silent contentment.
SWAY - 5: As a large mute psychopath, Myers can only intimidate non-vocally. Saves him from spouting bad puns, though: "What a cut-up! Ahah, get it?"
PURITY - 9: His obsession with murdering every last remote member of his family is admirable.
PHYSICAL - 5: While the albino Shatner mask is off-putting, most people don't get scared when they see The Shape, even up close.
TOTAL: 44
Posted by Destro at 03:27 PM
June 11, 2002
Biff Tannen
Biff Tannen is the big bully from school we've always wanted to forget, but in the case of Back to the Future, he was the bully that Mom and Dad tried to forget. Lucky for Marty McFly, he gets to travel back in time and not only rid his parents from Biff's abuse, but he removes them from Biff's shadow over the years, making things better by bumping into a few pivotal points in time here and there. In doing so, Marty brings to an end a long line of terrorizing Tannens in Hill Valley.
In the universe of BTTF, Biff would never go so far as to kill anyone, but that doesn't mean he didn't try, especially when Marty shows up in 1955 and tries to steal "his girl," Lorraine a.k.a Marty's own mom. At his worst, Biff is a pompous egotist who demands loyalty from his idiotic band of cohorts no matter what time he's living in. He's also an incredible murderer of the English language and it's many fine metaphors. At best - for everyone else - he's a simple, submissive goof who occasionally waxes cars. In the end (of BTTF III, that is), Biff is no longer a concern (it's a Red Hot Chili Pepper instead). But it's that Tannen threat - and a time machine - that helped turn Marty and his parents from scared underachievers to upstanding citizens.
INTELLIGENCE - 4: Biff's about as smart as a screen door on a battleship, or something like that.
POWER - 7: He's the Big Man on Campus with the muscle to match.
VILENESS - 6: Has a serious vile streak, even as a high school senior, but especially as a greedy, power-hungry casino owner.
SWAY - 7: Uses intimidation to get his way, which works on most of the high school population, but not all.
PURITY - 7: Shows unique drive to accomplish certain goals, like trying to kill Marty or promising to marry Lorraine.
PHYSICAL - 5: Big and dumb as a teenager, but frightening from a fashion standpoint in the 80's and beyond.
TOTAL: 36
Posted by Destro at 10:07 AM
May 29, 2002
David Lo Pan
This Mofo is one serious villain in terms of having a master plan - completing a sacred ceremony to rule the universe from beyond the grave - and being obsessed with making it happen. However, he never counted on a brawling trucker by the name of Jack Burton to foil his plans.
David Lo Pan, played by James Hong in Big Trouble In Little China, has a legion of followers who will die to protect him and three skilled martial arts with spiritual power at his side. However, for thousands of years, all this guy needed to realize his power was a girl with green eyes. You gotta wonder why he didn't just put out a classified ad earlier.
Armed with unheralded magical power, most residents of Chinatown run in fear at the mere mention of his name. And yet Lo Pan had the bad luck to run into some guy looking for his truck and a good time. Actually, I suppose it was Jack who ran into Lo Pan with his truck to start things off, but either way, Jack's reflexes would prove to be too much for Lo Pan's power - and legend - in the end.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: Armed with the knowledge to create incredible magic, but not wise enough to keep enemies away from his wedding.
POWER - 7: A powerful being who mostly relies on his minions to do his dirty work.
VILENESS - 4: Seems to enjoy threatening people with various Chinese Hells more than simply killing them.
SWAY - 9: His cursed legend is widespread in Little China and he commands a legion of loyal followers.
PURITY - 7: Lo Pan is obsessed with becoming human again but makes a few too many mistakes because of it.
PHYSICAL - 3: A basket case on wheels or a ten-foot-tall roadblock: either way, he's pretty funny-lookin'.
TOTAL: 36
Posted by Destro at 05:12 PM
March 28, 2002
Alex Forrest
Talk about "unsafe sex." One of Michael Douglas' many roles as a white-bread family man who screws the wrong woman came in this 1987 Adrian Lyne thriller when he played Dan, a lawyer who has a one-night stand with a woman he works with.
That colleague is Alex, played by Glenn Close, a women quite drawn to Dan. So drawn, in fact, that for the rest of her time on the mortal plane, she devotes her life to trying to keep him all to herself. No matter that he's married with a little girl (who looks way too much like a little boy, but that's another story).
Alex does a number of things to hold onto Dan: attempting suicide, riddling him with constant phone calls, showing up at his office... you know, the usual psycho ex-girlfriend kinda stuff. Then, when that didn't work, she tried the unusual: kidnapping his daughter, faking a pregnancy, attacking his wife, and boiling the family rabbit.
Alex is one of those Mofos that, for some people, is justified in her actions... to a point, that is. I'll admit, it serves Dan right for cheating on his wife. However, Alex redefines the term "mental illness" with her inability to simply let go when there was no going back.
Glenn Close's Oscar-nominated performance solidified Alex Forrest as one of the scariest villains ever for the "horny married man." Just rent this movie and those urges will pass... quickly.
INTELLIGENCE - 7: Very shrewd and clever in her maneuvers against Dan. She always knew just what buttons to push.
POWER - 5: Not physically strong, relying on her mysterious phone calls and handy kitchen knives to do more damage.
VILENESS - 9: Kidnapping his daughter, boiling their rabbit, and staging her "pregnancy" went way too far, even for an "ex."
SWAY - 7: Dan's paranoia grew exponentially as Alex terrorized his family. She was unrelenting in a very scary way.
PURITY - 9: Few Mofos are as screwed up as this one. She had reason to resent Dan, but the lengths she went to... whoa.
PHYSICAL - 5: The heavy black mascara and frizzy hair are certainly unnerving enough.
TOTAL: 42
Posted by Destro at 04:18 PM
March 14, 2002
Chucky
For a long time, this doll was nothing more than a Jason-wannabe, a poor man's Freddy. He did his movies, killed lots of dumbass victims, but he had no respect. Indeed, he's been in some embarrassing situations, like that whole kid's military school thing and the endless plot holes and storylines that make no sense.
But beyond the Child's Play sequels and their shortcomings, Chucky himself is clearly a Mofo to be reckoned with. His unassuming form spells trouble for those not familiar with the exploits of Charles Lee Ray in his otherworldly form, and since he usually finds himself with children, the possibilities are even more frightening.
However, there's just a few too many negatives in the way of Chucky being one of the top Mofos. His size and lack of power are big ones. He is evil and he is crazy, but trapped in the form of a bad Good Guy shorter than the majority of his victims, he is indeed cursed.
INTELLIGENCE - 5: Utilizes his average intellect to outsmart totally dumb victims. Does have knowledge of the occult as well.
POWER - 2: Even with the occasional voodoo power, Chucky is way too limited to be taken seriously physically.
VILENESS - 9: Here's where he scores big. Offs his victims in a multitude of tasty ways, too many to list here.
SWAY - 4: Can be scary occasionally. Needs dramatic music and heavy winds to really pull it off though.
PURITY - 9: Either he wants to kill and have fun or plans to return to human form. Either way, he's damn focused.
PHYSICAL - 8: Keeping his psychotic side hidden as a doll is perfect. That is, until he gets ripped to shreds (see above).
TOTAL: 37
Posted by Destro at 05:03 PM
Predator
This visitor from another planet preys on the biggest, fastest, and strongest of the human race and summarily hunts them down and kills them in a number of juicy ways. Would you prefer the shoulder-holstered missile launcher or the double-bladed, saw-toothed, hand-fastened knife nightmares that would make Wolverine jump out of his tights? Whatever he uses, his victims become part of his traveling trophy case of skulls.
What may be the most terrifying part of this Mofo is the way that he doesn't seem to care about human life... with one exception. He never seems to kill women. In that way, he would seem to believe in some kind of universal hunter/hitman/killer code: no women, no kids. Just like The Professional. Perhaps...
All I know is that between the cloaking device, the hunter mentality, and the alien noises, appearance, and technology, this guy is as nasty as Mofos come. However, as Arnold himself says: "If it bleeds, we can kill it." Indeed, you can, but it'll take a helluva lot of physical strength, endurance, and mental outwitting to do it.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: Hunts by using his experience and/or training, but beyond that, he's merely a hunter using his skills.
POWER - 9: Superhuman size and strength. If you can kick Arnold's ass, you score well here. (Nice shoulder gun too!)
VILENESS - 10: Skins his victims after ripping their skulls and spinal cords out of their bodies. Anyone gonna argue with a 10 here?
SWAY - 6: His breathing and growling noises are pretty damn scary to say the least. Let's his actions speak for him.
PURITY - 8: While looking for big game (humans), it would seem he enjoys his hunt... but doesn't kill women. Hmm.
PHYSICAL - 10: His cloaking device helps him hide from prey. Without that, he's pretty terrifying. Without his mask: YIKES!
TOTAL: 49
Posted by Destro at 04:47 PM
Clarence Boddicker
Before he was the lovable, abrasive father on "That 70s Show," something was very very wrong with Kurtwood Smith in the excessive violence-and-gore sci-fi classic, RoboCop. He played cop killer Clarence Boddicker, the drug-addicted leader of a gang of murderous thugs terrorizing Old Detroit.
Boddicker and his gang were truly made for the times. In the rough and crumbling society they operated in, they killed at will and were bound for something big when they met an unlikely business partner: Dick Jones, Vice President of Omni Consumer Products (OCP). Jones wanted one of OCP's creations - RoboCop, to be exact - destroyed. To get the job done on the down-low, he hires these bad guys to do the job and arms them with military hardware. (Of course, they had to test this hardware on a small shopping district downtown first...)
Clarence often hit both ends of the emotional spectrum, sometimes piping hot and other times calm in an unsettling way, perhaps because of his prickly personality or love for drugs. When it comes to violence, however, he always operated with all guns a-blazin', regardless of the consequences.
A businessman and ruthless killer, Boddicker had no respect for the system, so the system fought back in the form of RoboCop. I'm just waiting for the day he snaps on "That 70s Show" and Red blows Kelso's arms off with a shotgun. Heh...
INTELLIGENCE - 7: A decent gang leader. Too bad he couldn't find guys who didn't blow up the money during bank heists.
POWER - 4: His power comes from his firearms and his gang, not himself. Takes a good beating from RoboCop too.
VILENESS - 10: Watch Murphy's killing again. You know he shoots him that last time just to stop the annoying screaming.
SWAY - 7: Extremely confident, he's got enough extra charisma to hold meetings with the likes of OCP's Dick Jones.
PURITY - 10: Very brutal and quite ruthless, he was driven by greed, power, and having some fun with his boys.
PHYSICAL - 3: Looks like a banker from Thunderdome.
TOTAL: 41
Posted by Destro at 10:08 AM
March 08, 2002
General Zod
If you're gonna banish somebody from Krypton, please do us earthlings a favor and send 'em somewhere else.
Just when you thought it was safe to visit Mount Rushmore, the diabolical General Zod arrives, fresh from a brief stay in the Phantom Zone. He and his minions of displeasure, the sultry Ursa and the surly Non, did their best to bring the entire Earth to its knees... and pretty much succeeded until Superman showed up.
You see, Zod, hailing from Supes' home planet, had the same powers (times three, counting his team). So, while the Kryptonian also known as Clark Kent was having an identity crisis, The Black Outfit Squad was wiping the planet with whatever resistance the humans were putting up.
Superman II is a pretty messy movie, stemming back to conflicts between director Richard Donner, the producers, and probably everyone else on that set. As a result, the climax is pretty weak, resulting in some weak ass endings for our baddie buddies here.
Zod, however, will rate well on the Mofo Meter regardless. A natural leader, he combines his super-human strength with an intellect to match. Quite a foe for Earth's greatest hero, and casting Terrance Stamp was a stroke of genius.
INTELLIGENCE - 8: A leader and strategist, Zod definitely had the brains in his gang and made the most of them.
POWER - 10: This guy is as powerful as Superman. As far as I'm concerned, that's a 10.
VILENESS - 8: Destruction and terror are just the appetizers to the main course: reshaping Mount Rushmore in his image! Gah!
SWAY - 8: Extremely intimidating. It takes a strong personality to make the President quake in his boots. (Well... it should anyway.)
PURITY - 8: Driven to make Superman and the entire Earth kneel before him. Very driven.
PHYSICAL - 5: As one website described it, Zod dresses like a backup singer for Depeche Mode. At least he's wearing black.
TOTAL: 47
Posted by Destro at 03:09 PM
March 03, 2002
Darth Vader
If the Death Star is the "ultimate power in the universe," then this hulking heap of black leather and machinery is the perfect badass to command it. Formerly a little boy with amazing piloting abilities, the Dark Lord of the Sith originally came to life in the opening scene of Star Wars: A New Hope. He went on to lead the bad guys to a big loss in that movie, chopped his son's hand off in the next one, and met a very Viking end in the big finale. In between, he did just about everything a supervillian can do to ensure the top spot on our scoreboard: torture people, choke people, chop his own son's hand off, threaten to turn his daughter to the Dark Side... The list goes on, as does his immortality as one of the craziest mofos ever.
INTELLIGENCE - 8: Very smart with excellent command and strategic ability. Usually always a step ahead of the good guys.
POWER - 10: He can choke people from ten feet away, toss things at people from across a room with his mind... nuff said.
VILENESS - 8: Tortured just about everyone in the trilogy at least once in a number of tasty ways.
SWAY - 10: The voice of James Earl Jones says it all, literally. Not to mention the ability The Force has to cloud minds.
PURITY - 9: Thoroughly consumed by evil... until that fateful day when he had enough of his boss, Palpatine. Point off there.
PHYSICAL - 10: The mask, the costume, the cape, the look. Nothing says supervillain like that getup.
TOTAL: 55
Posted by Destro at 11:58 PM