August 30, 2004

Eric Qualen

Eric Qualen (John Lithgow) is an international terrorist with the ability to move large amounts of US currency around the world. Hence his plan to hijack a Treasury plane transporting $100 million with a specially-trained gang and a daring plan involving a plane-to-plane heist. When the heist is foiled by an FBI agent, the planes crash and the three cases containing all the money are lost in the Colorado Rockies. So, his gang poses as stranded hikers and calls for help from the local Colorado Mountain Rescue, who sends Gabe Walker (Sylvester Stallone) and Hal Tucker (Michael Rooker). They are forced to help the gang find the cases through the dangerous terrain.

Upon finding the first case, Walker is able to escape and destroys the case in the process. This sets off a race between Walker and the gang to see who can find the cases first, and who will be able to survive the mountains. Qualen has to continually yell with his extreme accent to keep his gang under control, but he does lead them. Even when the dirty Treasury officer who helped pull the inside job tries to make a power play, Qualen mercilessly executes the only other helicopter pilot (and his love interest) to ensure his own survival. In the end, Qualen does an awful lot of snarling and cussing, but not enough to pull off his mission.

It's kind of interesting: Qualen seems to be in charge, but very often relies on others to get things done. The whole plan on making millions is dependent on his ability to move the large US currency in those cases to clients around the world, but he also needed the Treasury agent in the first place, as well as the muscle to pull it off. In the Rockies, Qualen is out of his element, relying on Hal Tucker to lead him and the gang to the cases, but of course, Tucker will slow him down on purpose to allow Gabe to get the drop on them. You could say that as soon as the planes crashed, this operation should have been scrapped, but give the guy some credit for at least trying to cash in on $100 million, even if the chances of succeeding were slim to none.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Qualen has put together a pretty ballsy plan to rob the US Treasury, and if not for the FBI's intrusion, might have pulled it off. His helicopter piloting skills also come in handy.

POWER - 5: He is capable with the gun and can even put up a fight with Sly Stallone, but only for a little while.

VILENESS - 10: Expendable gangs are only part of a mastermind's plans. Extreme determination and mercilessness is another part.

SWAY - 8: Besides the over-the-top accent and a few bipolar moments, Qualen was pretty intimidating and always in command of things.

PURITY - 9: Seems to be driven to a fault, but then again, you could say he's willing to go the extra mile to succeed in his evil plans.

PHYSICAL - 5: Is it possible to look greasy on the coldest mountaintop? Yes, it is.


Posted by Destro at 04:18 PM

July 31, 2004

Xander Drax

Not long before the Nazis hit it big, the world was threatened by Xander Drax (Treat Williams), an eccentric madman obsessed with capturing the Skulls of Touganda, three artifacts that supposedly possess incredible power. Drax and his goons scour the planet looking for the skulls and, in the process, become enemies with the do-gooder Phantom (Billy Zane). This hero in a purple suit seems to have been defending justice in the Bengalla woods for hundreds of years, and one of Drax's goons even claims to have killed the Phantom at one point.

Drax is being investigated by a newspaper publisher back in New York City, and soon takes his daughter, Diana (Kristy Swanson), hostage. Diana's old flame Kit Walker is actually the alter ego of the Phantom, so the Ghost Who Walks conveniently shows up to try and rescue the damsel in distress. Eventually, Drax and his goons are too much for the Phantom, and the entire crew finds itself headed to the friendly-sounding Devil's Vortex to locate the final skull. They run into the Singh Brotherhood, protectors of the skull and sworn enemy of the Phantom. Drax captures the third skull and witnesses the incredible power of the skulls, much too late to realize he cannot control it.

Xander Drax is enigmatic and larger than life, with an ego unmatched by any man. He seems to take great joy in his wicked deeds, including hiding a pair of razor blades for a scientist in his microscope. Drax has no allegiances, always watching out for number one, but you have to think he was too naive to think he could control a power so legendary as the Skulls of Touganda.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Xander Drax is bold and smart, certainly smarter than the thugs on his payroll.

POWER - 4: Drax has surrounded himself with vicious bruisers more than capable of doing the physical stuff for him.

VILENESS - 8: He'll sacrifice his right hand man to get what he wants, not to mention any innocents who get in the way.

SWAY - 6: His ego is out of control, and his charisma is pretty decent. And he sure loves to hear himself talk.

PURITY - 8: Drax is focused on the skulls and destroying the Phantom.

PHYSICAL - 3: The 1930s were a time to be stylish not scary, and Drax was, right down to the great suits.


Posted by Destro at 11:59 PM

July 20, 2004

Poison Ivy

Dr. Pamela Isley (Uma Thurman) was a shy, skittish genius with a love for plants and a true concern for their fate, given the increasing industrialization of the world and the threat on rainforests. With so many toxins in the atmosphere, Mother Earth was certainly at risk and there wasn't much Mother Nature could do about it. That is, not until Dr. Isley stumbled upon a vile experiment which bastardized her research into a way to mutate human strength. Dr. Isley was supposedly killed by Dr. Woodrue, the greedy scientist behind the serum which turned serial killer Antonio Diego into the monstrous Bane. Instead, Dr. Woodrue would inadvertantly turn Dr. Isely into a more powerful being as well: Poison Ivy.

The serum - mixed with Dr. Isley's research matierials - would have a unique effect on her body. With her blood replaced with aloe and chlorophyll skin, Poison Ivy walks into Gotham City in search of the man who could bring about real change because of his money and power: Bruce Wayne (George Clooney). After Wayne shoots down Dr. Isley's demands to deindustrialize the planet, Poison Ivy set about to bring Gotham to its knees. She attempts to steal a priceless set of Wayne diamonds during a charity ball. This is where she first encounters Gotham's protectors, Batman & Robin. However, while the beautiful and exotic villain hypnotizing pheremones easily seduce everyone in the room, they are no match for the other bad guy that shows up looking for the diamonds: Mr. Freeze (Arnold Schwarzenegger). Outmanned and outgunned, Ivy hands the ice over to the Iceman, but she recognizes he could be an eventual ally.

Sure enough, Freeze finds himself in Arkham Asylum after being captured by Batman. Poison Ivy brings along Bane to bash down the door, and Ivy provides Freeze with his coveted cold suit. Now, together, the two villains devise a plan: freeze the entire planet, allowing Mother Nature to reclaim what is rightfully hers. Ivy helps Freeze recover his freezing equipment, but mercilessly does in the only person Freeze ever cared about: his wife, lying in cryostasis, waiting for a cure to her disease. This enrages Freeze, but he takes it all out on Batman, whom Poison Ivy blamed Mrs. Freeze's death on.

Eventually, Batman & Robin find their way to Poison Ivy's lair, and after battling Bane, Ivy is not much of a challenge. In fact, she's done in by newcomer Batgirl (Alicia Silverstone), who succeeds in getting Ivy caught in her own flytrap. Arkham Asylym would welcome Poison Ivy as its guest this time, but she would be reunited with an old friend when Mr. Freeze returns. He discovered the truth about Ivy unpluging his wife's statis unit, and his wife was saved by Batman. And now Poison Ivy is in for a big slice of revenge, best served cold, from Mr. Freeze.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: Dr. Isley's research was meant for good, but abused for evil purposes - eventually, her own.

POWER - 4: Not counting her poisonous lips, Ivy wasn't much of a physical danger to anyone.

VILENESS - 7: She cares little for the "mammals" of Gotham, and is all too willing to unplug Mrs. Fries' statis chamber.

SWAY - 6: Indeed, she could ensnare men even without the pheremones. But they helped a lot.

PURITY - 8: Ivy maintains that Mother Nature should retake control of the planet, but her goals are far too radical to be embraced.

PHYSICAL - 8: The mousy scientist becomes a bombshell, with the sexy walk and talk to match.


Posted by Destro at 03:59 PM

Mr. Freeze

Dr. Victor Fries (Arnold Schwarzenegger) was working on a cure for his wife's disease (MacGregor Syndrome) when he fell into a giant vat of liquid nitrogen. The accident rendered him unable to live in the normal world, but being the genius he was, he designed a cold suit that would allow him to continue living and working for a cure. However, his ice machines would require diamonds to run, and the man they call Mr. Freeze would soon enter a world of crime, stealing diamonds to keep his dreams of finding a cure - and himself - alive.

Gotham City, a home for many wealthy and influential citizens, has proven to be a good source of diamonds for Freeze. And when a charity ball announces it will feature the Wayne diamonds, Freeze crashes the party. Already in attendance, it turns out, are Gotham's own Batman & Robin, there to protect the jewels. They are distracted by Freeze's goons and by a stranger in town, the beautiful and exotic Poison Ivy (Uma Thurman). Freeze finds her holding the diamonds and she hands them over after discovering her pheremone dust is no match for Freeze's cold blood.

Freeze would meet Ivy again at Arkham Asylym after being locked up by Batman. However, Ivy was there to break Freeze out. She wanted to form a pact with the scientist to strike back at Gotham once and for all. By utilizing the new Gotham telescope and Freeze's own ice gun, the duo set out to freeze the entire planet, bringing an end to man's arrogance and beginning a new era led by Mr. Freeze himself. Poison Ivy, of course, was interested in seeing man destroyed and Mother Nature returning to power.

Things would take a terrible turn, however, when during a fight with Batman, Freeze's wife's statis chamber would be deactivated. Ivy reports this news to Freeze, who blows his top. He shows no mercy on his way to the Gotham Observatory, and immediately sets out to freeze the world. Batman would arrive, of course, and stop Freeze, but not before he revealed the truth to the scientist: Ivy unplugged his wife's chamber herself. Freeze was headed back to the cooler, but Batman promised he could continue his work on finding a cure for MacGregor Syndrome. Both men understand the importance of family, as Batman needed Freeze's work to cure his butler Alfred and Freeze was more than happy to try to save his wife. Meanwhile, he would also have the chance to exact a little revenge on his new cell mate at Arkham Asylum: Poison Ivy. Mother Nature is in for a long sentence.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: The doctor is well-read, highly-skilled, and resourceful - a good match for Batman.

POWER - 7: Has incredible size and strength, but relies heavily on his cold suit, which needs constant diamond recharging.

VILENESS - 8: Willing to freeze anyone, giving them about 14 minutes to thaw out or die.

SWAY - 5: Unleashes terrible puns with a thick accent, but no one can doubt his sincerity.

PURITY - 6: Out of love, Freeze will resort to any means to accomplish his ultimate goal, which is to find a cure for his wife's disease. All this for a good cause.

PHYSICAL - 8: Looks like a frozen RoboCop, but that's still scary enough to send most running the other way.


Posted by Destro at 03:59 PM

June 18, 2004

Judge Claude Frollo

Quasimodo (Tom Hulce), the bell ringing Hunchback of Notre Dame, believes that he was abandoned by his gypsy mother 20 years ago and that Judge Claude Frollo (Tony Jay), the Minister of Justice, felt pity for the baby and took him in to raise him as his own. That's not exactly how things went down. In fact, if it weren't for Notre Dame's Archdeacon, Frollo would have doomed Quasimodo to certain death at the bottom of a nearby well rather than look upon his deformed face again. Since that fateful night, Frollo has taught Quasimodo that he is an ugly monster and that he should never step foot outside the walls of Notre Dame. Everything changes when Quasimodo decides to do just that.

The annual Festival of Fools introduces both Quasimodo and Frollo to the beautiful gypsy Esmeralda (Demi Moore). She helps crown Quasimodo as the King of Fools, and when the cruel crowd turns on him when his deformity is discovered, it is Esmeralda who helps him escape from the public spectacle. Frollo is embarassed by this voluptuous girl and commands Captain Phoebus (Kevin Kline) to arrest the girl, but the gallant and moral soldier helps her claim sanctuary inside Notre Dame. It is there where Esmeralda learns more about Quasimodo, and he in turn helps her escape.

Soon, Quasimodo and Phoebus both find themselves falling in love with the gypsy girl. But in a strange twist, so does Frollo. Locked away in his chamber, Frollo curses Esmeralda for bewitching him, and stoking the fires of lust inside him. It is there that he proclaims that if he cannot have her, she will burn for her crimes. Frollo commands his troops to cleanse the city of the gypsies; when Phoebus defies Frollo's orders, he becomes an outlaw as well. Soon, Phoebus enlists Quasimodo's help to find Esmeralda to warn the gypsies of Frollo's plans to attack their hideaway, the Court of Miracles. Unbeknonst to them, they lead Frollo and his troops right to the gypsies.

Phoebus is arrested and Frollo is set to burn Esmeralda at the stake, but Quasimodo saves the day, overcoming his insecurities about his looks and swooping down to grab Esmeralda. Frollo, fed up with being upstaged and defied by outlaws and freaks, finally sets out to do what he wanted to do two decades earlier: kill Quasimodo. Frollo tries to stab Quasimodo in the hunchback, and the fight leads out to the balcony of Notre Dame. Trying to murder Quasimodo and Esmeralda, Frollo falls to his death when he steps out onto a loose piece of the church's architechture. And that's pretty much the final confirmation that Quasimodo's gargoyle friends were never rooting for the Minister of Justice; the hunchback was always their favorite.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Frollo is a devious and shrewd liar, leveraging his position of power to his own will.

POWER - 4: The Minister of Justice is an old, frail man, relying on his troops to do his dirty work.

VILENESS - 10: Frollo is set to drop a poor baby down a well and murder gypsies because of his own sexual insecurities.

SWAY - 7: He did plenty to verbally beat down Quasimodo over the years and keep the Parisians in check.

PURITY - 8: Frollo's lust for Esmeralda and devotion to the church distract him from his mission to rid Paris of its "gypsy problem."

PHYSICAL - 5: His goofy hat clashes with his beady eyes and constant snarl.


Posted by Destro at 10:26 AM

May 07, 2004

Col. Nathan R. Jessup

Colonel Nathan R. Jessup (Jack Nicholson) eats breakfast three hundred yards from four thousand Cubans who a trained to kill him, so don't think for a second that anyone can intimidate such a decorated, determined, and patriotic American like him. No, the only way you can intimidate a man like him is to catch him off guard, to discover his weakness and expose it, to leverage the justice system for the chance to find the skeletons hanging in this guy's closet. In other words, the only way you can intimidate Col. Nathan R. Jessup is to catch him in a lie, and demand a reason for it.

Jessup was the commanding officer of the ground forces stationed in Guantanomo Bay, Cuba. His Marines worked as a machine with lots of help from his right-hand men, Lt. Col. Markinson (J.T. Walsh) and Lt. Kendrick (Kiefer Sutherland). When one of the men made a mistake, it was the job of the other men to never let that one Marine forget it. Using a hazing technique known as a "Code Red," a couple of Marines were ordered to let one of their own know he made a mistake one night. The mistake, it turns out, was theirs, as the young Marine wound up dead.

Faced with incredible embarassment, Jessup did everything he could to cover up the details of the order given to the two young Marines now on trial for murder. They were left out to dry, facts were covered up, and official documents were falsified. The simple fact was that if word got out an order was given to rough up the deceased kid, Jessup's ass and the rest of officers would be on the block. Leave it to one young upstart attorney, Lt. Daniel Kaffee (Tom Cruise), a guy hired to plea bargain for the two Marines and unwittingly sweep the case under a rug, to actually investigate and uncover a conspiracy.

Dramatically called to the stand, Col. Jessup would voice his lack of respect for the people like Caffee who did things to tear people down instead of understanding what he was trying to do. Jessup made his moves to protect his Marines and his country, and it's just too damn bad that one subpar Marine fell got dragged under the wheels of his rise to political power. His devotion to the Marine way of life is admirable, but Jessup takes offense to being questioned about the manner in which he protects his country. In the end, he shows his true colors and admits to giving the order that cost at least two Marines their lives and two innocent Marines their careers. He can't understand why he's being punished for his actions; after everything, it is in fact Col. Jessup who can't handle the truth.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Jessup is the commanding officer of the Marine ground forces in Cuba. He's earned these points.

POWER - 5: He's one tough Marine, but he is an older Marine.

VILENESS - 8: The death of one of his own hardly bothers him; covering it up is his only concern.

SWAY - 10: Jessup makes everyone uncomfortable, whether he's barking orders or calm and cool.

PURITY - 10: He's not just driven by the Marine code; he is obsessed with it.

PHYSICAL - 5: He's one of the meanest lookin' soldiers you'll ever meet.


Posted by Destro at 11:00 AM

April 23, 2004

Lori Quaid

Douglas Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger) makes a good-enough living as a blue-collar laborer and his beautiful wife Lori (Sharon Stone) is completely devoted to him. Lori is beautiful, loves Doug dearly, and their marriage still seems to be fairly passionate. But everything changes one day when Doug visits Rekall, a company specializing in memory implants. Instead of getting to "expierence" a secret agent fantasy, he finds himself with real blood on his hands: people are trying to kill him.

Lori calms Doug down and goes to get help... and suddenly a stranger begins shooting at him! Doug uncovers the identity of the shadowy figure: it's Lori! And the truth comes out: apparently, Doug has had a memory implant before, and that includes most of the details of his life. His years of memories are fictional, even though his current job is real. But Lori isn't really his wife, just someone hired to pose as his wife to keep an eye on him. She feels a little bad for Doug though, and offers to show him what kind of woman she really is aside from the docile loving wife she's been playing. Doug smells a rat though, and this is confirmed when he sees armed men approaching their apartment. He knocks out Lori and makes a run for safety. Lori is left behind wondering if this gig is over or not; her boyfriend Richter (Michael Ironside) is there to tell her pack her things, because Quaid is as good as dead.

Later on, Lori gets the call to come back to work. This time, much to her dismay, she is summoned to Mars, a place she despises wholeheartedly. She has been asked to pose as the loving wife once again. Vilos Cohaagen (Ronny Cox) has come up with a plan to convince Quaid, hiding in a Martian hotel, that what's happening to him is part of a secret agent memory implant gone wrong. Lori appears at the door of Doug's hotel room, pleading lovingly with her husband to stop all this bloodshed and return to her. Quaid's confusion is compounded by this sudden reappearance of the woman who was the love of his life and ended up attacking him in his own home. Once again, Doug distrusts what he's hearing and refuses to believe her. Lori goes ballistic and, in seconds, troops storm the hotel room and hold Quaid. This gives Lori the opportunity to stomp some anger into Doug's body (and his balls). Yes, she is a major ballbuster.

On the way to bring Quaid to Cohaagen, Lori and the troops are ambushed by Melina, Martian freedom fighter and Quaid's former lover (even though he doesn't remember it). Melina and Quaid manage to kill the troops, but Lori nearly kills Melina in the process. Before she can strike a fatal blow, Doug shoots a knife out of Lori's hand. Surprised to find herself looking down the barrel of Doug's pistol, Lori reverts to her loving wife identity and tries to reason with Doug again. Quaid keeps a gun trained on her as Lori asks him if he could really shoot her: "Sweetheart, after all, we're married." She goes for a gun behind her back and whips it around to shoot Doug. He, instead, shoots her right between the eyes, killing her.

"Consider dat a divorce!"

Lori was a loving wife who quickly transformed into a ballbusting nightmare. She is devious and sexy enough to talk people into doing what she wants. Doug's paranoia, however, is too strong to be influenced by Lori's acting talents. She made a convincing udercover agent, even though a few of Cohaagen's troops thought she enjoyed the gig of playing the wife of a musclebound patsie a little too much. Eventually, she became just another victim of Cohaagen's elaborate and unravelling conspiracy. It's a shame; she looked very talented.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Lori is more of a mercenary than a mastermind. You could count on her for pouty lips and T&A, not to talk strategy.

POWER - 5: She's no slouch, with reasonable kung fu skills, but she could never take down Ah-nold.

VILENESS - 9: Once the charade was over, Lori was willing to do anything to take out Quaid just for making her go to Mars. Damn!

SWAY - 6: A sexy liar and convincing "wife" for Quaid, although, in the end, she couldn't save herself from a messy divorce.

PURITY - 7: Either she's a devoted undercover agent or she really did enjoy going undercover as the wife of the larger-than-life Quaid. Or both.

PHYSICAL - 6: She's hot and keeps herself in fightin' shape. Nice.


Posted by Destro at 09:45 AM

April 22, 2004

Vilos Cohaagen

The planet Mars is now a settlement and tourist attraction, but it could not have become this without the usual pitfalls of colonization and interplanetary conflict: greed, power, deception, and government cover-ups. The Chief Administrator of the planet is Vilos Cohaagen (Ronny Cox), a corporate stooge with a nasty temper and insatiable greed. His biggest obstacle in the way of complete control over Mars is a group of early settlers who were exposed to the Mars atmosphere over time because of cheaply-made domes. These people and their offspring have become mutants, and many of them have gained supernatural powers, including psychic ability. These people refuse to be swept under the corporate rug, but Cohaagen has hatched a plan with his most trusted friend, Hauser, to rid Mars of the mutants forever.

Hauser essentially had his identity erased from the world and from his own mind, and a new one was injected. He walks the Earth now as Douglas Quaid (Arnold Schwarzenegger), mild-mannered husband with incredibly huge muscles and a strange accent. And through a series of coincidences (he thinks), Quaid finds himself on the run from the government, having discovered his whole life has been a sham. He must get to the bottom of this, and he's got a nagging feeling the bottom of things will be found on Mars. He travels there to discover more clues to his true identity. He encounters the mutants and eventually meets their spiritual leader, Quato. The psychic stresses to Quaid the importance of unlocking the memories trapped in his mind, and through deep meditation, he does.

These secrets would prove to be part of the conspiracy crafted by Cohaagen. Deep underground, giant reactors - perhaps millions of years old - were discovered by Cohaagen and company. Their purpose was most likely to generate a breathable environment for the planet, even though some have theorized it would ignite all the turbinium on the planet and destroy it. Desperate to keep a stranglehold on the citizens of Mars, they decide not to turn these reactors on and risk rendering their business of selling air obsolete. But turning them on would no doubt free Mars and its people from the corporate chokehold and the planet's toxic atmosphere.

In the end, Cohaagen's incredible greed reveals how inhuman (or inmartian?) he is. He is constantly barking and screaming at his right-hand man Richter (Michael Ironside), berating them for even thinking for themselves. Cohaagen has jumped his people through so many hoops just to rid himself of the poor people he wronged in the first place. He feels no devotion to them to the point that he feels things would be better without them. Cohaagen, at one point, orders the death of all the mutants once and for all. It would prove to be his biggest mistake as this order would drive Quaid, now fully committed to defeating Cohaagen and his vile plans for planetary domination, to start the alien reactors and release breathable air onto the planet's surface. During the process, Cohaagen would be jettisoned onto the planet surface before the environment changes. He painfully gasps and chokes to an ugly death in an environment of no oxygen. For all the wicked plans Cohaagen made, he never planned on his former best friend Hauser growing a conscience.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: Cohaagen is ruthless, shrewd, and was the architect of an ingenious plan with Hauser to expose the mutant leaders.

POWER - 3: He's pretty weak, letting Richter do all the dirty work for him.

VILENESS - 10: As the air bottoms out in Venusville, Cohaagen is asked what to do: "Fuck 'em." Vile perfection.

SWAY - 7: Spends most of his time giving press conferences as Mars' political leader and screaming at Richter.

PURITY - 9: Cohaagen is a monarch on Mars, but this operation forces him to choose between his friendship with Hauser or killing Quaid to secure his plans.

PHYSICAL - 3: Looking old and a bit frail, Cohaagen has probably been breathing too much of that canned Mars air.


Posted by Destro at 10:17 AM

April 02, 2004


They lurk behind every corner. They hide in the shadows. They seem to be everywhere. And when you least expect it, they strike -- from below, from above, from behind, or maybe from right in front of you. Most are too terrified to fight back, and those that aren't get ripped to pieces by their gigantic jaws and razor-sharp teeth. The really unlucky ones, however, are taken deep inside their lair and become the victims of their parasitic offspring. And in one agonizing burst from beneath their rib cages, the victims die as the new Aliens greet the world.

These slippery and sickening xenomorphs were first found on the planet LV-426 when the cargo ship Nostromo answered a distress call. Its crew discovered a race of extraterrestrials long dead along with other beings growing inside a field full of eggs. One of the crew came back to the ship with some kind of being attached to his helmet. It had crawled in and attached itself to his face. Days later, the being died and fell off by himself. For a while, the crewmember seemed fine until one fateful day when he was overcome with pain in his stomach. Moments later, an alien burst from his chest, killing him immediately and ushering in the age of the Alien.

Nostromo crewmember Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) would miraculously survive her ordeal with the alien, which shed its skin numerous times, transforming into a giant hideous beast that tore her crew apart. She blew the beast into space and retreated to a cryosleep chamber. 57 years later, she would be found, only to discover that LV-426 had been settled by colonists hoping to establish new cities on the planet's surface. And the Company involved with sending them there had recently lost contact with the colonists. A troop of Space Marines would be dispatched with Ripley aboard as an advisor to determine the problem. Sure enough, the Aliens had taken over the settlement and the Marines tried to fight them off. Eventually, Ripley would escape again, this time by blowing up the entire settlement in a massive explosion. But even back on the mothership, she'd have to defend herself from an Alien Queen one more time.

Time and again, Ripley would find herself at odds with an Alien, but the conditions of her surroundings (and herself) would be different each time. Ripley would crashland onto a penal colony planet to discover she had been "impregnated" with an alien before the crash. She would find herself fighting off another hideous alien before doing the only thing she could do to kill this final beast: jumping into a giant incinerator, committing suicide.

Though it all, the Company would be after their precious Alien specimen. Determined to be the ideal planetary weapon, the Aliens could kill in so many ways, using their physical strength, size, and survival instincts and abilities. They even had acid for blood, which made it more difficult to kill them (for risk one would die with them). But the Company would strike again years later, using a DNA sample from Ripley to clone her with the Alien beast inside of her. During the process, things didn't quite go according to plan and Ripley emerged with some of the Alien race's more subtle attributes, like senses of smell and increased strength. An Alien would be extracted from Ripley's body surgically, but once again, a race of aliens would wreak havoc for the scientists trying to control them.

Without question, the Alien is one of the strongest and most lethal villains in the movie universe. Even one - as it has been seen numerous times - can cause incredible hardship. Many of them working together are a total nightmare. And that's the thing: the Aliens do have the ability to work together, and certain specific members of the race have emerged. The Alien Queen, specifically, is quite large and powerful and has the ability to produce dozens, if not hundreds, of new eggs. So it would seem the only way to rid the universe of these beasts is to destroy their home planet and pray they haven't gone anywhere else. As one Space Marine once put it, it's "the only way to be sure."

INTELLIGENCE - 5: The race seems to act on instinct, and can understand some of the events going on around them. Not everything, though.

POWER - 9: Big and powerful with unquenchable appetites and acid for blood. Clumsy at times.

VILENESS - 10: The lucky ones are brutally killed in every way possible. The unlucky ones become alien incubators with chest-bursting results.

SWAY - 5: The aliens do communicate some elementary forms of influence, usually by hissing and showing their teeth.

PURITY - 10: There's no stopping them. They will keep coming until the last possible moment.

PHYSICAL - 10: Quite possibly, the most frightening-looking creature in motion picture history.


Posted by Destro at 09:03 AM

March 02, 2004

Howard Payne

Pop quiz, hotshot! Former police officer Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper) dedicated years to the force's bomb squad and lost a thumb in the process, and all the thanks he got was a crappy pension and a cheap gold watch. Now he wants revenge for this blatant disrespect and rigs a high-rise elevator's brakes with explosives. He demands millions of dollars of the people inside die. What do you do?

If you're LA cop Jack Traven (Keanu Reeves), you do everything you can to get those poor citizens out of the situation alive. Jack and his mentor Harry Temple (Jeff Daniels) manage to out-think the bomber but Payne gets away. Soon after, a passenger bus blows up and Jack answers the call again. Payne scowls at Jack over the phone, letting him know he still wants his money, and he better get it or an entire busload of people will die. The bomb on the bus will arm if it goes over 50 mph, and then if it drops below 50, the bomb will detonate. Payne gives Jack rules for controlling the situation so things don't get completely out of control, and so Payne can get his money. Payne also convinces (and proves) that he can see everything that's going on on the bus, and that any deviation from his plans will result in a big boom. Jack bends the rules, however, and gets onto the bus himself. As crazy as Payne is, he actually enjoys watching Jack take these amazing risks; he's intrigued by Jack and the unexpected things he does.

To be sure, Payne cares nothing for the innocent lives on the bus. This whole situation was caused, in his eyes, by the selfish people he served and protected for many years. He gave the best years of his life to the cause without any repayment, so now he will take away the lives of many unless he gets what he wants. What Payne didn't anticipate was encountering individuals just as passionate and clever. After some research, Harry and a SWAT team are soon knocking on Payne's front door. As soon as Harry figures out Payne isn't there, however, a hidden bomb detonates, destroying the home and killing Harry and some of his men.

This news almost drives Jack over the edge, but one of the hostages, Annie (Sandra Bullock), convinces him they need him now more than ever. Jack and the LAPD figure out an ingenius way to sneak the passengers off the bus without Payne knowing and prepare to take him down. Payne realizes he's been duped though and grabs Annie, pulling her onto a subway train. Jack is unrelenting in his pursuit and finds himself on top of the train with Payne's hands wrapped around his neck. It looks bleak for Jack until he sees the light at the end of the tunnel - a red signal light, that is. Jack pushes Payne's head into the light speeding toward them and with a quick snap, Payne's days of terrorizing anyone are over.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: He's a "walking encyclopedia" of bombs and what cops do to defuse them. Highly skilled.

POWER - 5: Payne is a retired cop, older and slightly disabled.

VILENESS - 9: He didn't get to kill everyone, but he sure wanted to.

SWAY - 7: His street smarts keep him quick over the phone with Jack and company.

PURITY - 9: Overcome with greed and a sense of entitlement.

PHYSICAL - 4: Seems to have a couple of useful disguises at his disposal.


Posted by Destro at 10:50 AM

February 24, 2004

Sheriff of Nottingham

While King Richard the Lionheart is away from home fighting in the Crusades, somebody's got to keep the fair citizens in line. The Sheriff of Nottingham (Alan Rickman) provides the protection and keeps the peace in his absence, that is, if starving, robbing, and murdering the people is the kind of protection you're looking for. One poor victim of the Sheriff's greed for power is the father of Robin of Locksley (Kevin Costner). If you're not with the Sheriff, you're against him, and Robin would find his father dead against him. Robin would take the earliest opportunity to annouce his return with a strike against Guy of Gisborne (Michael Wincott), the Sheriff's cousin and right-hand man.

Vowing revenge but in search of shelter, Robin and his friends head into the mysterious Sherwood Forest. Many believe it is haunted, but Robin discovers the only thing it's haunted by is a gang of outcasts. His fighting skills win their respect and, when he announces his plans to take down the Sheriff, they're ready to follow his lead. Soon, Robin gets close enough to the Sheriff to leave a scar across his cheek; the Sheriff retaliates by terrorizing the lands with more of his own men. Finally, the people have had enough of the oppression and the Sheriff has had enough of their insolence.

The most compelling point about our villain here, however, is how over the top his rage is. Power has not only corrupted the Sheriff, it has saturated him. Greed and arrogance ooze out of every pore and, like any political leader, he often hides behind his men until it's safe enough for him to fight on his own. He is often sweaty and greasy-looking, taking advantage of the female servants, hanging on the every word of his old crone fortune teller, or hanging out with Guy of Gisborne, the cousin following in his wicked footsteps. Rage overtakes the Sheriff whenever he hears new news about Robin of Locksley and his merry men. Following another report of Robin's activities, he punishes the people with his own brand of terror: "Cancel the kitchen scraps for lepers and orphans, no more merciful beheadings, and call off Christmas!"

In the climactic part of this story, the Sheriff has taken Marian hostage and plans to personally hurt Robin in the worst way he can think of: by marrying the woman he loves. Just as the ceremony takes place between Marian and - ahem - George, Robin and his men storm the castle, leading to one of your classic swashbuckling encounters with swords, fire, and all that kind of thing. Robin eventually ends George's tenure as Sheriff by stabbing him through the heart. One might not have guessed his heart was vulnerable to attack, but Robin Hood proved them wrong.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: The Sheriff employs a old witch to prepare his strategies. Why guess the future when you can see it for yourself?

POWER - 6: He can handle a sword just fine, but lets his cousin and his men do the fighting for him.

VILENESS - 9: The Sheriff rose to his current station by perfecting his own personal brand of striking fear into the people and keeping them down.

SWAY - 7: He is as intense as they come, but is given to fits of whining and extreme anger.

PURITY - 9: The Sheriff hopes to remain Nottingham's dictator and milk it for all of its power and riches.

PHYSICAL - 5: His dark voice and gaze match his evil heart, and the sweat he produces makes him look even more out of control.


Posted by Destro at 10:45 AM

February 16, 2004

Captain Rochefort

The Captain of the Cardinal's guards just so happens to be a former Musketeer. However, Rochefort (Michael Wincott) was cast out as a King's guard for conduct unbecoming, and more specifically for leading a fellow Musketeer into a trap, resulting in the guard's death. That unfortunate guard was the father of D'Artagnan (Chris O'Donnell), a young boy who has grown up to become highly-athletic and skilled man who wishes to become a Musketeer like his father. Such romanticism would make Rochefort's stomach turn.

Rochefort now carries the rank of Captain and he serves as the right-hand man of the religious leader of France, Cardinal Richelieu (Tim Curry). Rochefort's latest assignment is to notify the King's guards that they are no longer needed, and it is a task that gives him great pleasure. With his gravelly voice and snarl of a grin, he orders the Musketeers to disperse or be arrested. Upon their return to France, the Three Musketeers who weren't there to hear it personally - Aramis, Athos, and Porthos - decide to make a stand for what they believe in. They are joined by the young man who came to the Musketeers looking to become one: D'Artagnan.

Captain Rochefort easily takes down the wild D'Artagnan and arrests him. The Cardinal gleefully reports to the young prisoner that the Musketeers are no more and orders him to death. When the Three Musketeers rescue their young prodigy, Rochefort and his guard begin their pursuit. In the meantime, however, D'Artagnan has learned of the Cardinal's plans to unite with England and steal power from the King. Rochefort is now tasked to find the Musketeers and D'Artagnan not just to avoid embarassment, but to avoid an all-out political disaster for his boss, the Cardinal.

As the Cardinal's political plans with England are scuttled, Rochefort returns to France to protect the Cardinal and his other plans: to assassinate the King. The Musketeers reunite to storm the castle and capture the Cardinal without harm to the King. Meanwhile, Rochefort finds himself in a duel with young D'Artagnan, and before he offs the young man, he reveals the truth about the boy's father: it was he who killed his father. Rochefort is prepared to deliver the final blow when he is foiled by love. The Queen's maiden Constance is able to deliver a sword back into D'Artagnan's hands before being struck, and he thrusts it into his black heart. Rochefort dies in the line of duty, much like the man he murdered years ago. This time, however, justice is done.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Rochefort is a rugged, ruthless killer, but he's a right-hand man serving the real brains of the operation: Cardinal Richeleiu.

POWER - 7: His sword-fighting skills make him a lethal, frightening killer.

VILENESS - 8: Rochefort has no scruples, and because of it, is a good fit with his master, the Cardinal.

SWAY - 6: His name is mud amongst the Musketeers, but he backs up his wicked words with the sword.

PURITY - 8: He sold his soul to the Cardinal, never looking back to the Musketeer honor he disgraced.

PHYSICAL - 6: Rochefort has a black heart to match the color of his hat, eye patch, and entire wardrobe.


Posted by Destro at 01:20 PM

Cardinal Richelieu

"Is he a man of God, or a man of gold?" This is an appropriate question about the religious (and, he hopes, political) leader of France, Cardinal Richelieu (Tim Curry). His Eminence is supposed to provide spritual guidance for the people of France and their King, but instead plots and schemes for money and power and, most of all, to satisfy his sexual desires. It is quite rare to see a man so close to God lusting to be so close to beautiful women, particularly the lovely Queen Anne.

The ruthless Cardinal's self-serving conduct and his association with the wicked Captain Rochefort (Michael Wincott) provide plenty of underhanded resistance against everything King Louis is trying to accomplish in his own country. The Cardinal, meanwhile, hopes to reach an agreement with England's Duke of Buckingham to bring their two countries together under their power. Installed as the religious and political leader of the nation, the Cardinal believes he can be unstoppable. Before that can happen, however, the King's guards have something to say about that.

The Musketeers have served the throne for years, but upon Rochefort's orders to disband the guard, there appears to be no stopping the Cardinal's evil plans. Enter The Three Musketeers: Aramis (Charlie Sheen), Athos (Kiefer Sutherland), and Porthos (Oliver Platt). They defy the Cardinal by keeping the Musketeers' spirit alive and together with a young Musketeer wannabe, D'Artagnan (Chris O'Donnell), thwart his plans to bring the secret alliance with England to bear. However, the plans are more elaborate than they first believed: the Cardinal plans to have the King assassinated as well.

Rushing home to France, the Three Musketeers and D'Artagnan foil the assassination attempt. The Musketeers reunite with their guard brothers to fight off the Cardinal's loyal guards and storm the castle, where the King and Queen are being held. At one point, the Cardinal himself pulls out a gun and shoots Aramis, allowing for an escape attempt. In the end, though, Aramis would return to capture the man of God, and the King himself would punch his lights out.

Cardinal Richelieu admits freely to those he hopes to ensnare how much of a man he is, a man driven by greed, power, and lust. He schemes to get his hands on everything and everyone and does not abide failure or dissent. He is not as charming as he thinks he is, but he certainly is intimidating. And his years in the service of France and God have taught him a thing or two, particularly: you don't want the Musketeers in your way. It's a pity for him that he couldn't execute his plans - and his King - in time.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Devious and well-versed in the political maneuvering amongst church and state.

POWER - 5: Before he shot a Musketeer, the only time he raised a hand was to reach for the Queen.

VILENESS - 8: He cares nothing for the poor and helpless, happily playing with their emotions before signing their execution.

SWAY - 8: The Cardinal can appear friendly and persuasive as well as overpowering and tyrannical, but he's not the ladies' man he hopes to be.

PURITY - 8: Power over the throne and everyone in sight is the goal of this servant of God.

PHYSICAL - 5: His creepy gaze and blood red robes are a frightening sight.


Posted by Destro at 12:48 PM

February 03, 2004

Archibald Cunningham

The Marquis of Montrose has taken a troubled young man into his home in the hopes that the climate of Scotland "will cool the fever in his blood." Archibald Cunningham (Tim Roth) is trouble from the start, immediately seducing the young housemaid, Betty, working in the Marquis' home, and spending the Marquis' money without care or reason.

One man who plans on stretching every last guinea is Robert Roy MacGregor (Liam Neeson) a.k.a. Rob Roy, a local Scot trying to build up his lands and to make a home for his people. He contracts with the Marquis for a loan of 1000 guineas, but when MacGregor's man disappears with the money, treachery is the first thing on his mind. It is, of course, Cunningham and the Marquis' man Killearn who have conspired to steal the money, and Cunningham does more than that: he kills one of MacGregor's dearest friends and dumps the body in the nearby loch.

Besides being a murderer, Cunningham is a violator of women, usually hiding behind his station to pursuade or force the opposite sex to do his will. In the case of Betty, she falls in love with the young man, and he cares nothing for her. Even after she reveals she is pregnant by him, her dear "Archie" tells her with a smile: "Love is a dunghill, and I am but a cock who climbs atop it to crow." When the legendary Rob Roy is declared an outlaw by the Marquis, Cunningham greedily takes on the job to bring him in. He heads straight for MacGregor's home where his wife Mary remains behind. Cunningham orders the family's cattle slaughtered, their crops destroyed, and their house burned down. In the middle of it all, he rapes Mary while Killearn watches. He exits with a grin and makes sure Mary knows his name so the great Rob Roy can come for his revenge.

Cunningham eventually does capture MacGregor; he ties him up and beats him savagely, completing MacGregor's humiliation by dragging him behind a galloping horse for Cunningham's amusement. Rob Roy escapes only to learn the terrible truth about what Cunningham did to his wife, and he arranges a duel with the villain through the help of a local nobleman who stands against the Marquis. In one of the great (and most emotional) swordfights in movie history, the already wounded Rob Roy and Cunningham battle to certain death. MacGregor, a brawler with the sword, is continually nicked and stabbed by the swifter Cunningham until he can take no more. MacGregor slices his sword through Cunningham's body, nearly cleaving him in two. The fight is over, and the assault on Mary has been avenged. Archibald Cunningham's place in history as one of the most awful bastards in cinema is unshakable, but thanks to the great Rob Roy, he'll never violate another woman again.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Cunningham is spoiled, pampered, and far too proud to be considered clever.

POWER - 7: His skills with the sword are amongst the best in recent memory.

VILENESS - 10: He's a murderer and rapist, but more than this, he cares nothing for the well being of anyone but himself.

SWAY - 5: His charm is as fake as the wig atop his head. His sword speaks louder.

PURITY - 10: Cunningham is admittedly beyond repair, "a bastard" who cares nothing for others' love or lives.

PHYSICAL - 5: He's a snarling, stringy beast, but his eyes reveal his true deadly intensity.


Thanks to the Baroness for her help writing this bio!

Posted by Destro at 12:00 PM

January 31, 2004

Ivan Korshunov

While Russia is a shadow of its former superpower self, the United States and its President are more than confident. So confident, in fact, that President James Marshall (Harrison Ford) travels to Moscow to deliver a powerful yet somewhat controversial speech about terrorism and the hard stance America will take against it. This new position is tested immediately when a group of Russian nationalists take control of Air Force One as it begins its journey home and demand the release of General Alexander Radek, a tyrant looking to turn the country back into the evil Cold War Russia it once was. Before the terrorists can grab him though, the President flees in the escape pod.

The terrorists aboard the President's plane are led by Ivan Korshunov (Gary Oldman), a true son of "Mother Russia" who makes his terms clear: bow to their demands or, every half hour, someone aboard the plane will be executed. The President's own wife and daughter are aboard the plane, but unbeknownst to the terrorists, so is the President (who launched the pod empty). This places him in the awful position of choosing between the lives of those he loves and ignoring the important anti-terrorist policy he just put forth. Of course, President Marshall is a former Medal of Honor winner and can kick any man's ass. The Prez decides to kick some and fight back against these terrorists.

All the while, Korshunov terrorizes the hostages by threatening them all and personally killing the National Security Advisor and the Press Secretary. With hidden parachutes, he helps most of the hostages escape, but the President is eventually captured. When the gun is placed to the head of the First Daughter, the President finally relents. He places the call to the Russian President to ask for Radek's release. Korshunov then reveals he has lied: he won't be letting anyone go. This leads to the President's dramatic fight back and his eventual order to Korshunov in the cargo bay to "Get off my plane!" The terrorist eventually does escape the plane in his own parachute, but not before his neck is broken by the President in the process.

During the hostage situation on AFO, Korshunov was incredibly vile. When killing a hostage, he'd put the cabin speakers on so everyone could hear the person die. Then threatening the lives of the First Lady and Daughter pushed the President over the edge. He may be a nationalist - some might say, a patriot - but his methods and actions weren't about to be approved by Americans or Russians.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: It takes an incredible plan to hijack Air Force One and follow through on those terrorist actions.

POWER - 6: Korshunov certainly can handle himself, with his fists or with a gun.

VILENESS - 10: His threats were terrible, but his murders aboard Air Force One were committed without mercy or pity.

SWAY - 9: He never hesitates: this is Korshunov's most dangerous strategy during the negotiations to get what he wants.

PURITY - 10: Korshunov admits that niether his morals nor his allegiance to God will stand in the way of his love for "Mother Russia" and the country it once was.

PHYSICAL - 4: He is as intense as they come, and screams in anguish over his fallen comrades.


Posted by Destro at 04:05 PM

January 22, 2004

Dr. Zachary Smith

As a stowaway aboard the Jupiter 2, Dr. Zachary Smith (Gary Oldman) becomes an unwitting participant in the Global Sedition conspiracy to murder the Robinson family along with any witnesses to that fact. Clearly, he has no qualms with killing the family, toasting them with "Give my regards to oblivion." It's when he is slated to die along with them that he starts to take offense to the plan.

The Robinsons, led by patriarch Prof. John Robinson (William Hurt), are set to travel to Alpha Prime through a new Hyper-Gate in search of resources to help the people of Earth as their own planet is seemingly running dry. Opposed to this, the Global Sedition hires the snivelling Dr. Smith to do their dirty work and sabotage the Robinson ship. Once his work has been done though, he is trapped aboard by his own employer, to be disposed of in deep space.

Dr. Smith wakes up the cryo-sleeping Robinsons in time for them to save the ship - well, little Will does - and helps revive their daughter Judy from certain death. They don't trust Smith though and lock him up in a makeshift brig. Eventually, though, he becomes a reluctant part of the team to help them explore a brand-new quadrant of space, having engaged the hyperdrive in an emergency without a destination Hypergate to guide them. Now marooned in deep space, the Robinsons must find a way home and will need Dr. Smith's help too.

Everything changes (again) when the Jupiter 2 lands on a strange planet and Dr. Smith suffers an injury which mutates him into a giant spider-like creature. We only see the aftermath of this: a dead family, save for Will who has grown into a true genius, building a Hypergate completely from scratch to return to Earth. It is the spidery Dr. Smith, however, who plans to use the gate, readying himself to travel back to wipe out the planet and take over the world with his spider offspring. In the nick of time - so to speak - Will is able to use the Hypergate to speak to his family in the past and warn them of the impending doom. For Dr. Smith, it would seem a bittersweet destiny: his plans for world domination are thwarted, but at least he doesn't turn into a spider.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: This doctor is clever, inventive, and crazy like a fox.

POWER - 3: Mostly, he seems to be a scared weakling, but he's just fully aware of his own physical limits.

VILENESS - 10: Willing to murder the Robinson family for the Sedition cause and his own profit. And then he killed them anyway.

SWAY - 6: Keeps people off-guard with his skittish behavior, all the while looking for his chance to stab anyone in his way in the back.

PURITY - 8: Greedy and slimy, he's only willing to work with the Robinsons when his own survival hangs in the balance.

PHYSICAL - 4: Pencil-thin and scruffy, it looks like a strong gust of wind could knock him over. Until he turns into a spider, that is.


Thanks to the Baroness for her help writing this bio!

Posted by Destro at 03:48 PM

January 16, 2004

Norman Stansfield

Detective Norman Stansfield (Gary Oldman) has a number of problems. A drug problem, psychological problems, problems with Beethoven... At the beginning of The Professional, his problem is with one of the lowlifes he's been paying to store drugs on the down low. That problem becomes a fatal one for the drug courier's whole family, which is murdered by Stansfield and his goons in a violent, dizzying barrage of ammunition. The sole survivor is 12-year old Mathilda (Natalie Portman) who slips by the NYPD and into the reluctant but protective arms of the local neighborhood hitman, Léon (Jean Reno), living right down the hall.

As the hitman and the little girl strike up an unlikely friendship, Stansfield continues to strike fear into the neighborhood thugs and his own guys, popping pills with his spine-shattering spasms and showing a serious lack of control of his temper. The death of that family? Doesn't bother him. What does bother him is the revelation that somebody slipped through his fingers, and when he discovers the existence of young Mathilda, he does everything he can to find her and kill her.

Mathilda, however, has her own ideas about finding and killing people, namely the goons who murdered her little brother. At a price of five grand a head, Léon's normal asking price is steep, but he sympathises with his young friend and takes on the mission. One by one, Léon takes out the team of cops and Stansfield roughs up Léon's local boss for information. Stansfield corners Léon and Mathilda at Léon's apartment. In a stunning show of excess for the apprehension of just one guy by an obsessed, eccentric maniac, Stansfield summons the entire NYPD force: "Bring everyone." "You want everyone--?" "EV-ERY-ONE!!!!"

Soon enough, everyone does come and Léon nearly slips by, but Stansfield shoots him in the back. The ruthless and careless Stansfield takes enjoyment in erasing the last shred of evidence against his wrongdoings and smiles in the face of Léon's death only to learn too late that the dozen grenades strapped to Léon's chest mean the end of Stansfield's life too. In a glorious explosion, Léon saves Mathilda and finishes the job he promised to complete by killing Stansfield. While Mathilda can now find a place to grow and plant her roots, Stansfield will forever be responsible for stealing away the only true father she ever had.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Stansfield is smart and has connections.

POWER - 5: He lets his boys take out the trash, but he can certainly fend for himself.

VILENESS - 10: He'll shoot kids! He'll shoot at old ladies in hotel hallways! He has no morals whatsoever!

SWAY - 9: Stansfield is so eccentric and ill-tempered that it's impossible to know when he'll snap next.

PURITY - 9: This guy is so over the top that he sometimes loses focus and lets important things slip by... but not often.

PHYSICAL - 4: He's a little ragged from the pill-popping, but perfectly at ease in his plain clothes detective-wear.


Posted by Destro at 04:54 PM

January 08, 2004


Jonathan Harker (Keanu Reeves) is a young London lawyer summoned to the distant lands of Transylvania to help an eccentric Count get his real estate holdings in order. Count Dracula (Gary Oldman) is a strange, mysterious, and imposing figure clad in elaborate robes and employing a thick-as-mud accent, making Harker uncomfortable from the beginning, and soon after, paranoid for his life. This hermit of a Count has remained long hidden from the world, but a jarring discovery sends him to London. Dracula finds a picture of Harker's fiance, Mina (Winona Ryder), who bears a striking resemblance to his one true love, Elisabeta. She was the unfortunate victim of a suicide, believing her lover was dead. When he learned of her death, Dracula renounced God and cursed the living. Hundreds of years later, Dracula remains undead, but his passion is ignited by the sight of young Mina.

In London, Mina and her friend Lucy (Sadie Frost) spend time laughing and giggling over all the suitors pining for young Lucy, and gushing over Jonathan's adoration of Mina. Soon, Dracula arrives and, at first sight, is overcome by Mina's appearance. Mina, however, is repelled by the lavish wardrobe and outlandish accent, but soon softens to the Count's seemingly innocent advances. After spending a day together, the chemistry between them is immediately apparent. Mina and Dracula know they have a connection, but only the Count is fully aware that it spans "oceans of time" between them.

However, there is an ugly fact about Dracula unbeknownst to Mina: he is a bloodthirsty killer, a vampire who must feed off the living in order to exist. Like a rabid wolf, the Count stalks and seduces his prey, including young Lucy, whom he curses with a neckbite. She begins to transform into an undead being as well; that is, until Dr. Abraham Van Helsing (Anthony Hopkins) arrives to try and counteract the process. He is too late to save Lucy's life, but he restores her soul by driving a stake into her heart and chopping her head off. These practices are not easy for the uneducated Englishman civilians in his midst, but they must believe in order to defeat the advances of Count Dracula, the Nosferatu.

Dracula is a grosteque being, but at the same time a soulful, passionate, romantic individual. His obsession with Mina reaches a head when she asks him to make her like he is: a vampire. Dracula is overcome with love for her and cannot bring himself to commit this terrible act - to "condemn" her, as he puts it - but she forces his hand. He finally relents just as Van Helsing and company corner him. The race is on as Dracula rushes back to his Transylvanian castle where he can safely rest and regain his strength. In the process, Mina begins to show vampiric aspects, helping the Count return home. There, he attains his eventual redemption and returns to human form. Only then can he be released from his own curse, and Mina reluctantly stabs his heart and beheads him. Count Dracula's soul is released and his bond with Elisabeta is restored, but his reign of terror across London remains both frightening and legendary.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Wily and clever, the Count is a cunning warrior with animal instincts.

POWER - 7: His strength surpasses any man, and regenerative powers give him a distinct edge, but his power is dimished during the day.

VILENESS - 10: He kills at will - man, woman, or child - driven by passion and hunger.

SWAY - 10: Incredible influence. He can hyponotize and make people hallucinate while seducing women and ravaging them.

PURITY - 8: He is a bloodthirsty animal and an undead monster, but love still beats in his chest (sort of).

PHYSICAL - 10: Dracula can transform into anything, given the chance and shadows to escape into.


Thanks to the Baroness for her help writing this bio!

Posted by Destro at 02:44 PM

December 09, 2003

Headless Horseman

A great evil has descended upon the small village of Sleepy Hollow. Bodies are being found without their heads, and the locals believe that a creature known as the Headless Horseman is responsible, exacting revenge for its own untimely (albeit deserved) demise many years before. Sent to investigate is New York City constable Ichabod Crane (Johnny Depp), who employs scientific method and educated deductions in his search for the killer. His only problem seems to be his penchant for fainting at the sight of blood.

Crane does not buy the local story of revenge, however, and follows the clues where they lead him. Usually, they lead to mysterious revelations regarding the well-bred Van Tassel family, especially young Katrina (Christina Ricci), and to further entanglements with the Horseman. The constable is determined, though, and he uncovers a conspiracy whose shadow looms over the most prominent figures in the town, the same people who are coincidentally ending up without heads.

The Headless Horseman is not the architect of evil, however, as the real villain behind this treachery is Lady Van Tassel (Miranda Richardson). In an attempt to steal the Van Tassel fortune - and exact a long-brewing revenge over the very family that shunned her own many years ago - she assembled a long list of victims to be killed, thereby allowing her to assume control of the Van Tassel family. The Horseman would provide the means, as well as a prime suspect for authorities. To do so, she would be able to control the dark rider utilizing the mystical powers of her long-forgotten sister, hidden deep in the woods.

Her mistake, however, was to think she could always control such a creature. Upon the discovery of the true villain, Crane managed to break the spell upon the Horseman, and with his head back where it belonged, the Hessian (Christopher Walken) would make Lady Van Tassel pay for her wicked deeds. All in all, the intense fear caused by the Horseman's various appearances around town were nearly as lethal as the raw physical power with which he operated. But finally, with the spell broken, the Horseman would be able to ride into the great beyond, and once and for all, he would go there intact.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: The Horseman is an efficient killer, stalking his prey in intelligent ways.

POWER - 8: Supernaturally strong, skilled with the sword, and could ride like the wind.

VILENESS - 10: Sliced and diced men, women, and children in a number of juicy ways, always involving some kind of dismemberment.

SWAY - 2: Intimidation is for people with heads. We chop heads off around here!

PURITY - 8: Completely controlled by Lady Van Tassel at first, the Hessian just wanted to rest in peace after he regained his head.

PHYSICAL - 10: If a headless rider on a giant horse doesn't scare ya, nothing will.


Posted by Destro at 04:14 PM

November 13, 2003


Almost a year ago, Sidney Prescott (Neve Campbell) lost her mother, who was raped and brutally murdered. Now, Sidney and the rest of the little town of Woodsboro once again find themselves under media scrutiny when an awful double murder is committed. Old wounds are reopened by a killer wearing a dark black cloak and scary white mask, a being some have referred to as "Ghostface."

When Sidney Prescott is attacked, Sidney's boyfriend Billy (Skeet Ulrich) is the prime suspect. But when she receives a call from the killer while he's in jail, nobody knows what to think. Some begin to wonder if there's a connection between the recent events and the murder of Sidney's mother a year ago, including tabloid reporter Gail Weathers (Courtney Cox). But the people most affected by the killings are the school kids allowed to go home after school is cancelled, including Sidney's friends Tatum (Rose McGowan), Randy (Jamie Kennedy), and Billy's best friend Stu (Matthew Lillard). A big party is quickly planned. Ghostface decides to crash.

Tatum and Gail's cameraman are both murdered. Local Deputy Dewey (David Arquette) takes a knife to the back. Randy gets shot. And after finally agreeing to have sex with her boyfriend, Sidney watches as Ghostface thrusts a knife into Billy's chest. Finally, a point is reached when the killer has to call an end to the night, though, and he reveals his true identity to our heroine: Stu and Billy!

Not only had these two framed an innocent man, Cotton Weary, for the murder of Sidney's mom a year ago, but they planned to pin all of this year's killings on Sidney's Dad, whom they had kidnapped and stolen a cell phone from to perpetrate all their threatening phone calls. Was their motive a sick homage to their favorite horror movies? Billy did confess that "movies don't make psychos; movies make psychos more creative." Or were they embarassed by Sidney's mom and her promiscuous behavior, and decided to carry out their own judgment and execution? Or was the connection between Sidney's mother and Billy's father the reason he snapped?

Ultimately, Ghostface became the victim of his own device, literally, as Sidney was able to slip away and hide from her prospective killers, and then taunt them with the very cell phone and voice changer they used. With a little help from Gail and Randy, Sidney would take out both killers. Their rampage was tragic, but, in the Scary Movie Department, certainly unpredictable. Upon additional viewings, you find yourself wondering just who is who when the Ghostface mask is put on, and how they pulled off everything they did. In the end, Ghostface's legend cuts deep into the very genre its killers loved: horror.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Armed with a deep knowledge of scary movies, these two though up clever plans for killing.

POWER - 6: Both killers are young and physically able to run and jump after their prey.

VILENESS - 9: Ghostface certainly had a thing for gutting people.

SWAY - 7: Very effective on the phone in terms of scaring the hell out of people.

PURITY - 8: Billy was more serious, but Stu seemed more passionate about it.

PHYSICAL - 7: This basic black costume is made all the more scary by the fact it could be in two places at once.


Posted by Destro at 09:32 AM

November 10, 2003

Jame Gumb

At one point during The Silence of the Lambs, Jame Gumb (Ted Levine) unknowingly kidnaps a Senator's daughter, and then orders her to keep herself well moisturized, not for her own health but because he plans on killing her, then using her skin to make a woman suit to wear. So for that suit to work, the skin has to be soft... Just let the idea sink in for a bit, because this is the mindset of a vicious, ruthless, merciless killer and he's one of the last guys you want to find yourself in a dark alley with.

The FBI hopes that another notorious killer will be able to shed light on the recent disappearances of young women in the area (found with pieces of their skin removed), and they send their pretty little agent Clarice Starling (Jodie Foster) to see Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Anthony Hopkins). Indeed, Lecter does recognize the work and knows the identity of this bad boy the feds have nicknamed "Buffalo Bill." Jame Gumb was a man confused and curious about his sexuality and had been turned down for sexual reorientation a number of times. No doubt, this inability to change and the rejection by society had led to him taking matters into his own hands. Lecter would hold this information over Starling's head, teasing her until he was ready to give it up.

Starling manages to track down Gumb at his rundown home, but he confuses her by introducing himself as "Jack Gordon." He flees into his basement when Starling realizes who he is, and when she pursues, Starling finds herself inside a real-life horror movie. Blood splattered on the walls, a bathrub with a rotting body inside, and suddenly all the lights go out. Gumb tries to sneak up on her with night vision goggles but gets shot to death by the perky-eared FBI agent.

Gumb committed premeditated acts of violence and depravity, then committed even more disgusting things to these young girls after the fact. His ultimate goal was to become a woman, but his plan was a sensible workaround to him, even though it was an incredibly revolting one to the rest of the world. The last thing Gumb managed to do that endangered the rest of the world, however, was more indirect, as the process of capturing him arguably allowed the escape of Dr. Lecter to occur. Just as it was with Jame Gumb, no one could anticipate the atrocities Lecter would commit.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Besides his sewing skills, Jame also has the good sense to use an alias wherever he goes.

POWER - 6: He has average physical strength, but does all the heavy lifting himself.

VILENESS - 10: His kidnappings and murders led to even more awful acts of depravity.

SWAY - 4: Jame is a shy person and keeps very much to himself.

PURITY - 10: His desires have destroyed any morals he once had.

PHYSICAL - 6: Normally, he kinda looks like a slob, but he becomes one scary looking dude when pushed.


Posted by Destro at 09:50 AM

October 29, 2003

The Fisherman

Four kids are out partying one summer night celebrating the end of their high school days. There's drinking involved, of course, and as they speed around Reaper's Curve, their car smacks into something. A deer? No. It's a guy, and he looks dead. Do they call the cops and accept the punishment for their stupidity? No. They drop the body into the ocean and make a promise to bury the truth forever. Yeah, well, there's one person who won't agree to that: The Fisherman.

The following summer, Julie James (Jennifer Love Hewitt) and her friends receive cryptic notes that claim "I Know What You Did Last Summer" and they freak. That's when a dark figure dressed in a black rain slicker carrying a silver hook begins stalking them. Who saw them hit the man? Or did someone watch as they dumped the body? Julie and her friends - Ray, Helen, and Barry - try to stay alive while attempting to uncover the identity of the Fisherman.

The Fisherman knocks off a few people, including a cop and Helen's sister, and eventually gets to Helen and Barry. At this point, Julie begins to suspect her boyfriend Ray is the killer, and as she runs away spots a local fisherman heading out to the harbor. He lets her on the boat, leaving Ray at the docks, proclaiming his innocence. While on board, Julie stumbles upon a room full of pictures of her and her friends and realizes she got on the wrong damn boat. The Fisherman is none other that Ben Willis (Muse Watson), the man they hit with their car and left for dead. He's intent on making these stupid kids pay what they did to him.

At the end, Ray finds a way to get onto the ship and saves Julie. During the fight, Willis gets his hand chopped off and falls overboard. His demise is questionable since the body is never recovered, and so Julie and Ray will always be left wondering if there's someone out there that Still Knows What They Did Last Summer. But as far as villains go, this is one of the few that, for the most part, had a really good reason to go crazy.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Willis shows great patience, waiting a full year to recover from injuries before tracking down his targets, and makes very few mistakes.

POWER - 7: He's a very strong man, able to carry 100-pound models, err, victims around on a hook.

VILENESS - 9: Guts people like fish.

SWAY - 6: His non-verbal strategy of leaving notes definitely works.

PURITY - 8: Ben is enraged the kids dumped his body rather than help him, and wants them all dead.

PHYSICAL - 7: The dark slicker and shiny (often bloody) silver hook make for a decent bad guy getup.


Posted by Destro at 10:00 AM

October 27, 2003

Baxter Cain

There was a time when sports were the celebration of friendship, loyalty, and athletic ability all rolled into one. As times changed, every professional sport seemed to degrade into a collection of overpaid, pampered, hulking figures who danced and celebrated after the most pedestrian of achievements. Overseeing it all were greedy owners like Baxter Cain (Robert Vaughn) who, when the other sports fell out of favor, latched onto the latest thing, a pure creation that brought fans back to sports: BASEketball.

Cain owns the Dallas Felons franchise, the biggest rival of the Milwaukee Beers, the team on which BASEketball's creators, Joe Cooper (Trey Parker) and Doug Remer (Matt Stone), both play. Following the death of the Beers team owner, Coop became owner of the team, but it came with a condition: if he couldn't win the Denslow Cup championship during the next season, he'd lose his ownership, which would be given to the owner's widow. Hoping to cash in, Baxter Cain moved in on Denslow's widow, Yvette, in an effort to gain control of the Beers - and the entire league.

The new season found the Beers on top, driven to win the Denslow Cup and allow Coop to keep the team. However, Cain would plant the seed of deceit between Coop and Remer, playing them off of each other and tricking them into starting up a sportswear clothing sweatshop in Calcutta. In addition, he was able to get the funding of the Dream Come True Foundation cut, a cause both Coop and Remer were behing, especially because of its hot director, Jenna.

In the end, this battle would be won on the BASEketball field, where the guys would realize their mistakes and engineer an incredible comeback in the championship game against - who else? - the Dallas Felons. Cain began to count his chickens before they hatched, starting plans even before the game was over to move the Beers to Jacksonville and build a new stadium without handicapped seats. Yvette discovered how shallow Cain was, and after the Beers won the Denslow Cup and ownership of their team, Cain would end up with mud on his face. Well, milk actually, courtesy of a sweet psyche-out from Remer. "Got Milk?"

INTELLIGENCE - 7: This millionaire is a shrewd, clever businessman.

POWER - 3: He lets his team take care of the physical stuff.

VILENESS - 6: Cares nothing for the sport of BASEketball, kids, or disabled people, and in the worst owner move possible, wanted to move the Beers to Jacksonville. Ugh!

SWAY - 6: Enjoys old school villain standbys like blackmail and calling people "numbskulls."

PURITY - 7: Cain is so driven by money and power that he's actually after Yvette for her interest in the team, not her Jenny McCarthy body.

PHYSICAL - 3: Has one terrifying hairpiece.


Posted by Destro at 08:43 AM

October 09, 2003

Gen. Francis X. Hummel

While American servicemen protect the United States, a select few are called on to take care of things never heard or seen by the general public. Certain operations are top secret, highly sensitive, and may in fact be illegal, but they are carried out for the greater good. At least, this is what the US Government says. So it seems incredibly hypocritical and unfair when certain men die and are not given a proper burial nor are they honored for their bravery. And their families will never understand why. Highly-decorated Brigadier General Francis Xavier Hummel (Ed Harris) is a man who believes in honor, and after years of trying to change the way these soldiers are disrespected by their own government - including dozens who were under his command - he executes a plan to make them change.

Hummel assembles a commando unit, steals a battery of rockets armed with VX poison gas, and takes over Alcatraz Island with a group of tourists as hostages. With the rockets pointed at San Francisco, millions of lives are threatened, unless the government agrees to honor the men who have died during secret operations. The US government is taken by surprise, and tries to assemble their own group of experts. They draft Dr. Stanley Goodspeed (Nicolas Cage), a self-proclaimed lab rat who knows everything there is to know about VX; and former spy John Mason (Sean Connery), the only man ever to escape Alcatraz. Together with a strike team, they should be able to infiltrate the Rock and disarm the rockets. At least, that's the plan.

General Hummel and his team are waiting for them, and immediately attain a tactical advantage. However, his trigger-happy mercs waste the strike team before Hummel can do anything, leaving Goodspeed and Mason on their own in the tunnels beneath the prison. Hummel is angry that more American blood has been shed and blames the government. When they discover the pair of men in the tunnels, Hummel's team gets to work on finding them, and the chase is on.

As the cat-and-mouse game continues, Hummel is placed under increased pressure, finding himself - a well-respected officer - the enemy of his country. Ultimately, time runs out for the government and Hummel fires a rocket into the heart of San Francisco. As the missle bears down on its target, the government is completely powerless. However, Hummel realizes his bluff has been called; he reprograms the rocket to splash into the ocean. It's over. He won't kill millions of people to prove his point, and he prepares to leave. That's when his mercenaries take exception; they want to be paid for their work and Hummel tells them there is no money. At that particular point, Goodspeed and Mason jump in to help Hummel, but the damage is done: the commandos are preparing to launch the last of the rockets, and Hummel has been shot by his own men.

With his last breath, Hummel regrets his actions, seeing more American soldiers die for nothing. His plan was to take drastic action in order to make a point, to open the eyes of the US government. A man like this, so honored and with such a celebrated military career, has witnessed some of the ugliest things to happen in wars and conflicts across the globe, but he felt the worst of it was happening right at home. Hummel is one of those rare villains who becomes a martyr for the men he tried to honor.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: You don't get to his position in the military without being a clever strategist with years of experience.

POWER - 5: He's a slightly older officer who relies on the well-trained mercenaries on his team to do the dirty work.

VILENESS - 5: He went into this knowing people could get killed, but he wanted to keep the casualties at a minimum.

SWAY - 9: A good general always has command of the floor. Hummel sure does.

PURITY - 3: Hummel's plan is honorable, and he drops his threat against the people of San Francisco as soon as his bluff is called.

PHYSICAL - 4: His chrome dome and steel gaze mean business.


Posted by Destro at 10:33 AM

October 03, 2003

Street Preacher

The year is 2021 and a data courier named Johnny (Keanu Reeves) holds some awfully precious cargo in the memory chip implanted in his head. Not only is he being chased by every trigger-happy badass in Newark, but he's been overstuffed with data, causing synaptic problems and, if not treated, fatal seepage. (That sounds grosser than it really is.) Johnny needs to get the data out of his head, but when it's discovered the data could save millions of lives, he's gotta get it out intact. On the way to making this happen, a bounty hunter gets hired by the head of the pharmaceutical company trying to keep the miracle cure under wraps. That bounty hunter is the Street Preacher (Dolph Lundgren).

Looking like something that walked out of Thunderdome, down deep the Preacher is a highly-augmented human being, with seemingly no real bones left in his body. He's built for fighting and killing, and all the while, delivering the Word of God for good measure. Hey, any killing machine that can deliver last rites at the same time has got to be convenient somehow.

The Preacher gets on Johnny's trail, leaving interrogated, tortured corpses behind with the help of his Holy Cross, doubling as a machete. He's definitely got a thing for impaling people; maybe he's got a crucifixion hang-up... Nevertheless, this more-than-human mercenary eventually tracks down Johnny and ends up meeting a power surge strong enough to fry every human and non-human molecule in his body. (Ah, the power of the Internet...) Yes, the Preacher will now have to answer to the Man Upstairs personally, particularly after the messy ways in which he sent previous victims His way before.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Average intellect for a bounty hunter, but he sure knows his scripture.

POWER - 8: Built like a cyborg, the Preacher has the strength and power to crush those who face him.

VILENESS - 8: Sticking sharp objects into people seems to be the Preacher's favorite way to get attention.

SWAY - 5: His religious rantings put confusion more than the fear of God into people.

PURITY - 8: Driven by the Good Book and the Bottom Line, he's a mercenary down deep.

PHYSICAL - 5: Looks like a homeless guy, but his size is still intimidating.


Posted by Destro at 01:01 PM

August 13, 2003

Freddy Krueger

Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) was a disturbed young man who murdered small children, but after lawyers managed to get Krueger off on a technicality, the community of Elm Street rose up in anger. The parents on the street (including those of the murdered children) hunted down Krueger, set his house on fire, and burned him alive.

Because he was killed so violently, Freddy was unable to go to Hell, instead winding up in some nether region where he has been able to stay connected to the Elm Street families by entering their dreams. Attacking the children of Elm Street, Freddy has been able to exact some revenge for his own murder. By killing them in their dreams, the children die in real life. So, it would seem, if you can avoid falling asleep, you can avoid Freddy. It's just not that simple as we have seen in the Elm Street movies.

Freddy's appeal as a villain is universal because everyone has had a nightmare at one time in their life. To think a madman like this could crawl into your head and screw with you is terrifying; when he actually does it to the kids on Elm Street, it is. Part of his advantage in dream land, besides knowing how to manipulate it for his own use, is his signiture look. The hat, the striped sweater, and of course, the glove full of razor-sharp knives.

In the various sequels, Freddy's learned to embrace his sense of humor, torturing the children (and anyone in his way) in deliciously disgusting ways. In 2003, he will finally square off against another horror icon, Jason Voorhees, and perhaps we will discover who will win the long-awaited battle. However, I think we all know Freddy vs. Jason will merely be the Round 1 of a new fight. One can only imagine who else may get involved.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: From the cleverness of the original to the dumbness of the later flicks, it all averages out.

POWER - 8: His only drawback is that he hasn't figured out a way to kill people while they're AWAKE. In dreamland, he rules.

VILENESS - 10: Slicing, dicing, and exploding teenagers on ceilings, in beds - he's done it all and more.

SWAY - 9: Extremely intimidating, but also loves to turn on the charm.

PURITY - 8: A complete nutbag, he's been known to show occasional weakness.

PHYSICAL - 10: The glove is an immortal horror icon. Nothing creeps you out more than this guy in a dark alley.


Posted by Destro at 04:31 PM

Jason Voorhees

11-year old Jason Voorhees was attending summer camp when he presumably drowned in Crystal Lake. Mom blamed the camp counselors, but Jason's body was never found. He would return from his watery grave, however, to become one of the greatest figures in horror history. Jason would exact revenge on the same kind of campers and counselors who put him in danger, and his acts were ones of quiet rage and calculation. After ten films and over twenty years, the hockey mask has become an icon of blood-curdling terror.

Throughout the entire Friday the 13th series, Jason has offed over 100 people on screen with a vast array of fantastic devices. Consider this list of weapons used (which is by no means complete): icepick, barbed wire, straight razor, spear gun, cleaver, pitchfork, fire poker, surgical hacksaw, corkscrew, axe, broken bootle, tree branch, dart, tent spike, party horn, electric guitar, syringe, steam pipe, wrench, pencil, car door, deep frier, barbecue skewer, liquid nitrogen, and, of course, the machete. Yup... with versatility comes longevity.

As the years have passed, the movies and plots have become more jumbled and confusing, at times involving demonic possession and large leaps of logic (and in Jason X, a journey into space and the future). Now, in Freddy vs. Jason, he will finally match up against another horror icon, Freddy Krueger. After being manipulated by Freddy to kill some Elm Street residents, will Jason move aside for Freddy? My guess: not without a BIG fight.

After so many movie appearances, one thing remains true about Jason Voorhees: superstitious or not, everyone feels a slight twinge of uneasiness whenever Friday the 13th comes around. For that, you can thank the guy in the hockey mask.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Don't know about anything else, but the man does know knives (and all other manner of cutlery).

POWER - 9: Shows great strength and staying power.

VILENESS - 10: Like his slasher film counterparts, Jason's strength is slicing, dicing, and impaling.

SWAY - 5: Let's his mask and machete do all the talking.

PURITY - 10: Nothing stops this guy. Dumb dudes, hot chicks, and everyone in between are all prospective victims.

PHYSICAL - 8: The hockey mask is a horror icon, and as Jason gets rattier in every sequel, so does the face underneath.


Thanks to House of Horrors for helping me research this bio.

Posted by Destro at 11:54 AM

August 12, 2003

Joshua Foss

During Game Seven of the Stanley Cup finals in Pittsburgh, Joshua Foss (Powers Boothe) and his group of terrorists storm the VIP Booth where the Vice President is watching the game with other dignitaries. After immediately offing one innocent victim, Foss states his demands: a sum of money exceeding $1.5 billion. After rerouting and transferring different amounts of it to hide the true destination, the final take will be about half a billion dollars. Not a bad pay day.

How could Foss be able to not only take the VP hostage, but also outwit the Secret Service and get the upper hand? While his background remains a mystery, the safe bet is that Foss is a former Secret Service agent who either got fired or went rogue, taking advantage of the knowledge he picked up working for the government and using it to earn a little bit of severence pay. He is extremely well-prepared, with team members all over the arena, outside the arena, and even working for the other side. A former agent's still gotta have friends in the Service, right?

Meanwhile, the token Die Hard "guy caught in the middle" is firefighter Darren McCord (Jean-Claude Van Damme), attending the game with his son and daughter. Once he realizes what's going on, he does his best to fight off bad guys and use his arson investigation experience to locate and defuse Foss' bombs, which have been strategically placed around the arena to bring it down, killing everyone inside.

As for Foss, he's very intelligent, stern, cool, and he's got a sense of humor. But you also have to respect a villain for adjusting his approach given the different people he has to deal with. He threatens the Vice President with killing everyone in the arena. He threatens McCord with killing his daughter. He threatens McCord's daughter Emily with a mouth full of spiders. You gotta know who your audience is to elicit the right response.

In the end, Foss nearly escapes after fleeing in disguise to his waiting helicopter. But in all the plans he drew up for this operation, he didn't count on a martial arts trained firefighter with a major parental streak to show up and spoil his plans.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: With his Secret Service experience, he is well-trained and well-prepared.

POWER - 6: In decent physical shape. Also has great aim with a gun and isn't afraid to use it.

VILENESS - 8: Women, children, hockey fans: nobody is safe from Foss.

SWAY - 8: Read my analysis of his different threats above to see why he's so good.

PURITY - 8: Only cares about the money and getting himself out of the arena. The less guys of his that are left, the bigger share he gets.

PHYSICAL - 4: Nothing special, except that he also knows how to make a basic disguise for himself.


Posted by Destro at 09:27 AM

August 01, 2003

Mommy & Daddy

If there's a universe where Leatherface actually exists, then these two are most definitely related to him. Mommy and Daddy, sometimes referred to as the "Man" and "Woman" of The People Under the Stairs, have been living in a big ol' house in the middle of a ghetto for years. They actually control most of it, serving as the merciless landlords for many of the slums in the town.

Local rumor has it that the couple are sitting on a goldmine though, and they mean it literally. In an attempt to get inside their house, two local thugs drag along a young boy named Fool (Brandon Adams) to help with the operation. With Fool inside, disguised as a boy scout, he'll be able to let the other guys in to check out the basement. Things don't go according to plan, however, as both thugs end up dead and Fool finds himself trapped inside, hiding in the walls where he can hear strange moans, and with the couple's young girl, who has been verbally and physically abused for years.

Mommy and Daddy are relentless in their search for Fool and the other troublemaking kids running around inside the walls, sending dogs into the fray and firing shotguns at anything that moves. Fool discovers that these kids were discarded by the couple when they couldn't abide by their radical rules. Fool eventually finds his way to the basement and discovers the treasure: piles of real gold, all gathering dust while the rest of the neighborhood collapses upon itself. In the end, the local townspeople show up and expose the insane couple for who they really are: brother and sister! The kids from Under the Stairs escape and attack the couple, and before he escapes, Fool plants a dynamite surprise in the basement to level the house once and for all. The destruction of the couple's house may add another eyesore to the street, but Fool's bravery ends up saving the neighborhood.

INTELLIGENCE - 4: Not the brightest bulbs on the tree, but they did what they could to keep everyone out.

POWER - 5: This duo isn't all that physically gifted.

VILENESS - 8: Between cutting off kids' tongues and locking them in the basement, they certainly aren't afraid to get their hands (or anything else) dirty.

SWAY - 4: People skills are not a finer point of their "relationship."

PURITY - 7: Paranoid and greedy, these two went over the top to practice evil.

PHYSICAL - 7: If there's one thing this couple did well, it's LOOK crazy. Dig that gimp outfit on Daddy!


Posted by Destro at 09:16 AM

June 03, 2003

Mr. Blonde

Vic Vega (Michael Madsen) had seen time in and out of jail, and by the time he found himself in Joe Cabot's office, he was looking for some real work again. Not the type where you punch a time clock and bust your ass carrying boxes around, mind you, but some real gangsta shit. Big Joe and his boy, Nice Guy Eddie, were more than happy to help out one of their boys, and thought a certain big jewel heist would be perfect for Vic.

Going by the codename "Mr. Blonde," Vic found himself as part of an anonymous gang assembled by Joe to pull off the heist. The plan seemed simple enough until one of the employees pulled the alarm during the robbery. Vic started shooting and didn't stop until he was out safe. This strategy pissed off some of his colorful compadres, namely Mr. White (Harvey Keitel) and Mr. Pink (Steve Buscemi), who verbally blasted away at Mr. Blonde as soon as he arrived at the rendezvous point following the heist. Clutching his soda and wearing a pair of dark black sunglasses, Mr. Blonde asked White: "Are you gonna back all day, little doggie, or are you gonna bite?" Just one of Mr. Blonde's most quotable of quotables.

Eventually, Mr. Blonde would find himself alone with the unluckiest character in Reservoir Dogs, a cop he took hostage and stashed in his trunk. Convinced of a rat in the house, White and Pink demanded to know who had tipped off the cops to the heist, and it was Blonde's job to extract the information. Instead, in one of cinema's now-immortal scenes, Mr. Blonde proclaimed that he didn't care what the cop said; he was going to torture him anyway because he found it "amusing." And then he danced around until he was good and ready... and sliced off the cop's right ear. In a way, it's a bloody shame that Blonde would get capped soon thereafter by the aforementioned rat, Mr. Orange (Tim Roth), because we get denied any more of Blonde's deliciously awful torturing and memorable pieces of dialogue. What we did see and hear, though, is the stuff true Mofos are made of.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: He's no mindless thug, but a bit too reckless to be in charge of things.

POWER - 6: He's a fairly big dude who knows how to handle a gun... and a straight razor.

VILENESS - 10: For millions of people, listening to "Stuck in the Middle with You" will never be the same.

SWAY - 7: His low-key approach definitely throws his fellow Dogs, especially White and Pink.

PURITY - 10: He doesn't care what anyone else thinks and takes every opportunity to show that, both physically and verbally.

PHYSICAL - 6: Gotta give him an extra point for the shades.


Posted by Destro at 02:04 PM

May 28, 2003

Darian Forrester

14-year-old Darian (Alicia Silverstone) was the sweet little girl next door, but when a journalist named Nick (Cary Elwes) moved into the apartment over the garage at her parents' home, she had found a new Crush. She started with some harmless flirting and wearing revealing clothing, but when that wasn't enough to finish the job, she tried the direct approach and went after Nick physically. Nick, being twice her age, did the right thing and turned Darian down; according to Darian, however, that was the wrong thing.

Soon after, Darian would begin performing the kind of acts that bitter ex-girlfriends would even be ashamed of. Nick became the victim of such "woman scorned" pasttimes as scratching up the guy's car, deleting important files so he'll be ruined at work, and leaving 6000 angry messages on his machine. That was just the tip of the iceberg, though, because when Darian found out Nick had a real girlfriend, she became insanely jealous, engineering a stunt to lock the girlfriend in a photographer's dark room and filling the sealed room with angry bees.

The real pies de resistance, however, was even more disturbing. Following a physical encounter with Nick, Darian faked an assault on herself and even stole a used condom from Nick's apartment to, ahem, "plant the evidence" of an apparent rape. Darian's only remaining friend her own age, Cheyenne (a young Amber Benson from Buffy!), would finally try to stop Darian, and end up with a broken arm because of it. But Nick finally took things into his own hands when Darian held Cheyenne hostage in exchange for his love. Nick would finally convince Darian's dad that she was a friggin' nutcase after punching her out during a surreal climax involving a carousel in the attic of their home. Darian would end up in a mental institution, unable to let go of her obsession with Nick, that is, until a new man worthy of her undying love - her doctor, to be exact - would come along. Gah... *chills*

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Fairly clever at times for a girl her age...

POWER - 4: ...but she fights like a little girl.

VILENESS - 8: Went to incredible lengths to get rid of Nick's girlfriend, her meddling friend Cheyenne, and even to fake her own rape.

SWAY - 6: Being sweet on the outside and so young, plenty of people bought her act.

PURITY - 7: Her shrine to Nick is certainly chilling, but she'll call for daddy when she's in trouble.

PHYSICAL - 6: Her sweet little girl next door exterior certainly worked on some people.


Posted by Destro at 10:43 AM

March 14, 2003

Castor Troy

This international criminal mastermind was, ahem... faced with a bone-chilling scenario one dark night. He awoke in a medical clinic after spending days in a coma following a dramatic gunfight with Sean Archer (John Travolta) and dozens of his fellow federal agents. Kept alive by the government, Castor Troy (Nicolas Cage) discovered something that makes the "kidney removal" urban legends pale in comparison: someone had taken his face... off. *insert face removing gesture here*

In Face/Off, the truth was that Castor and his brother Pollux had planted a bomb somewhere in L.A. and only they knew its location and how to disarm it. With Castor seemingly a vegetable, Sean Archer entered a top-secret prison posing as Castor Troy, complete with surgical alterations and Castor's own face in place of his own. As soon as Archer uncovered the bomb's location from Pollux, his mission was complete. But that's when Castor Troy unexpectantly woke up...

Castor would undergo the same procedure Archer did, this time taking Archer's face and assuming his identity. As a top federal agent, "Sean Archer" would be unstoppable and hold significant power, taunting the real Archer and leading raids against his terrorist rivals; at one point, he even slept with Archer's own wife. As a notorious terrorist, "Castor Troy" would be locked away in prison forever. Until he breaks out, of course.

With murder, kidnapping, and many other forms of terrorism under his belt, Castor Troy was already a very clever and extremely aggressive sociopath, but having his face stolen truly put him over the edge. Castor had once tried to assassinate Archer, but accidentally killed Archer's son in the process. Castor couldn't understand why Archer would take things so personally, but he would when Archer dropped Castor's own brother from the top of a building to his death. Castor's ability to withstand pain and improvise in many deadly ways certainly makes him a vile entry on the Mofo scoreboard. But oddly enough, some people will only remember some of his most evil deeds... committed by Sean Archer.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: While Pollux could build bombs, Castor was the one planning and scheming awful ways to use them.

POWER - 7: Castor could fight to the death and withstand the pain of living without a face.

VILENESS - 10: If sleeping with Archer's wife wasn't enough, he also set his best friend on fire, murdered his mentor, and was ready to kill everyone in L.A. too.

SWAY - 6: He can give you chills or infuriate you... just by using his tongue.

PURITY - 10: Castor was already a maniac when his face was removed. If your face had been removed, what mental shape would you be in?

PHYSICAL - 7: As himself, he just looks cool, but as Archer, he's perfectly disguised. Average score between a 4 and a 10.


Posted by Destro at 10:21 AM


Deep in the Klatu Nebula, the brave Thermians have been trying to survive the advances of the genocidal Sarris, leader of a gang of Fatu-Krey soldiers that almost resemble humanoid dragons. The bonus for Sarris: he's got what looks like a tarantula growing out of his head. Stan Winston and his crew sure do have an imagination...

Anyway, Sarris has been offing Thermians at an alarming rate. Their home planet has been destroyed and billions are dead. Only a noble few remain on board the NSEA Protector, a ship built to the exact specifications of another ship seen on "historical documents" beamed into space from the planet Earth. Confused? Well, the Thermians sure are, because those documents were actually episodes of a low-budget sci-fi TV show from the 80's called Galaxy Quest, in which actor Jason Nesmith (Tim Allen) plays Commander Peter Quincy Taggert, head officer onboard the Protector. Faced with extinction, the Thermians do the only logical thing they can and seek out Taggert and his crew for help against Sarris.

Sarris, who unlike the Thermians is well-versed in deception and delivering terror, soon realizes that this dream team of officers is nothing more than a group of actors, and the sad desperation of the Thermians fuels his sick taste for pain even more. Little does Sarris expect, however, that Nesmith and his "crew" would put up a fight. Armed with the experimental Omega 13 device, endless techincal expertise at the hands of the Galaxy Quest fans, and a great deal of luck, Nesmith and company defeat Sarris and give new life to the Thermian race... as well as their own Galaxy Quest franchise.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Defeating Thermians in the past was like blasting fish in a barrel. Faced with a stronger resistance, Sarris shows weakness.

POWER - 6: While big and strong, the Fatu-Krey are a bit awkward on their feet.

VILENESS - 7: Sarris takes great pleasure in toying with (and destroying) the simple-minded Thermians.

SWAY - 9: With his booming voice and unrelenting intensity, Sarris could intimidate the Thermians easily. Humans too.

PURITY - 7: His hatred for the Thermian race fuels some terrible acts.

PHYSICAL - 10: As if the weapons on his ship weren't scary enough, get a load of this guy's face!


Posted by Destro at 09:13 AM

February 26, 2003

Simon Phoenix

It took the deaths of thirty innocent people for the police to finally catch notorious killer Simon Phoenix (Wesley Snipes), and he wasn't even the one responsible for their deaths. Sgt. John Spartan (Sylvester Stallone) was nicknamed the Demolition Man for his reckless destruction of public property in the search for fugitives from justice, but never before had he caused the deaths of the people he vowed to protect. Spartan called the wrong bluff and thirty hostages died. He and Phoenix were both sent to a new maximum security facility for the worst offenders, a cryo-prison, where inmates are frozen and locked away to serve their time.

46 years later, during a scheduled parole hearing, Simon Phoenix mysteriously escapes. The current police department is ill-equipped to handle a killer as aggressive as Phoenix, so they thaw out the guy who took him down in the first place: John Spartan. Armed with a non-lethal stun wand and a chance for redemption, Spartan sets out to find his man. What nobody realizes, however, is that Phoenix's escape was engineered by Dr. Cocteau, the man responsible for rebuilding San Angeles as a mecca of peace and ultra-sensitivity. However, Cocteau saw to it that Phoenix's normal prisoner rehabilitation program was replaced with all manner of knowledge in fighting, terrorism, mayhem, and various San Angeles access codes, all in an effort to kill Cocteau's primary social adversary, Edgar Friendly.

With all of his new powers, skills, and knowledge, Simon Phoenix became an even deadlier (and more efficient) killer. He quickly re-assembled his gang and found ways to gain the power and wealth he lost so many years ago. He emerged as the most dangerous man in San Angeles, able to fight anyone and cause murder/death/kills in mass quantities. Eventually, the SAPD's strategy to fight fire with fire would pay off, as John Spartan's unrelenting chase of Phoenix would lead back to the cryo-prison where the two would battle it out. In the end, the prison would be blamed for creating an even greater monster in Simon Phoenix, and the society in which it existed would need to evolve. Because, really, what kind of a world is it where you can't exchange bodily fluids?

INTELLIGENCE - 8: Simon was defrosted with the knowledge to be a killing machine, but his own intellect couldn't quite put it all together.

POWER - 8: He was also given extra strength and speed during his stay in the cryo-prison.

VILENESS - 7: Never cared who got in the way of the mayhem he was causing.

SWAY - 5: Phoenix spent more time trading quips with John Spartan than intimidating people.

PURITY - 7: Simply wants to raise hell and have a good time with his boys.

PHYSICAL - 6: Neither the denim overalls nor the Goodyear outfits really made the most of Simon's look, but he's got style nonetheless.


Posted by Destro at 10:44 AM

December 11, 2002

Cyrus Grissom

On a prisoner transport plane filled to the gills with unsavory individuals, Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom (John Malkovich) kicked his master plan into high gear. Rather than ride the Jailbird, a.k.a. Con Air, to a maximum-security prison in Louisiana, Cyrus and his gang of buddies took over the plane and pointed it towards freedom. Besides the brothers and sisters of law enforcement who were now being held hostage, one person on board was not down with the Virus' plans: Cameron Poe (Nicolas Cage). The former US Army Ranger had been convicted of murder while protecting his wife in a barfight and was heading home after serving his time. He wasn't interested in going anywhere else.

Flanked by the likes of the murderous Nathan "Diamond Dog" Jones, Billy "Bedlam" Bedford, and rapist "Johnny-23", Cyrus appeared to be in complete control. He was, of course, under the assumption that all the convicts would be just as willing to head to greener pastures as he was. Grissom's intelligence gave him clever ideas for escape and strategy, and his vile reputation gave him solid ground to stand on when challenged by others. Cyrus' own words pretty much sum up the legend he had become: "It's not difficult to surmise Nathan's feelings towards killing these guards; and my own proclivities are well-known and often-lamented facts of penal lore."

As Cameron Poe began to help the authorities recapture the plane, he made himself Cyrus' new prime target. But for all the intellectual ammo and seemingly-capable thugs Cyrus had in his arsenal, Poe was too quick and crafty to be squashed like a simple bug. In the end, after making it through every con on the plane, the Army-trained Poe was too much for The Virus, both physically and mentally. One can only imagine, however, how things might have turned out if Garland Greene was in charge of things. They don't call him the "Marietta Mangler" for nothing.

INTELLIGENCE - 9: This self-taught sociopath is well-bred in the finer points of mayhem.

POWER - 6: In decent shape, but was smart enough to let the bigger dogs fight for him.

VILENESS - 7: And he can be extremely vulgar and insulting.

SWAY - 7: You gotta be charismatic to be the leader of a prison riot, especially on a plane.

PURITY - 10: Is he out of his mind? "According to my last psyche evaluation... yes."

PHYSICAL - 4: The baldhead and goatee is a nice touch to his prison garb.


Posted by Destro at 02:37 PM

November 20, 2002

Shooter McGavin

Image courtesy of Bushwood.netGolf isn't known as a contact sport, but a failed hockey player named Happy Gilmore (Adam Sandler) does what he can to succeed in the sport of kings, all for a good cause. Happy's grandmother has been thrown out of her own home after failing to pay back taxes, and now it's up to Happy to find the money to save the house. He will have to challenge the most-celebrated golfer on the PGA tour, however, and right now, that's Shooter McGavin (Christopher McDonald).

Shooter is a talented but incredibly arrogant jackass who delights in winning lots of money and praise, and firing caddies at will. Faced with the freakish talent of Happy Gilmore - who possesses a wicked slapshot that's been converted into a dead-eye fairway drive - McGavin rests on his laurels as a talent but does everything possible to have Gilmore thrown off the tour. As Happy begins to learn more about golf and improves his game, he becomes the Number One threat to McGavin's PGA title hopes. At one point, McGavin hires a stalker to harass Happy to the point of PGA rule-breaking and possible banishment. But the last straw is when McGavin buys Happy's grandmother's house right out from under him.

Shooter often tries to act like the bully of the schoolyard, but Happy's smart-ass retorts usually get the best of him. Take this exchange:

Shooter: You're in big trouble pal. I eat pieces of shit like you for breakfast.
Happy: (starts laughing) You eat pieces of shit for breakfast?
Shooter: (flustered) .....NO!!

Ultimately, with everything on the line, Shooter McGain must watch while the more popular and creative Gilmore wins the next tournament and buries Shooter's chances at being the star of the PGA. In the end, Shooter will be lucky to eat anything for breakfast after his last tournament, given the large crowd of people hoping to kick his ass. If you're not gonna play nice, you just shouldn't play at all.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Shooter has some decent villainous plans. That stalker thing worked for a while.

POWER - 7: Golf is the battlefield of choice here, and Shooter's pretty damn good at it.

VILENESS - 6: He's willing to put Happy's grandma out on the street? Dick.

SWAY - 5: He tries to talk down to people, but c'mon, remember that "pieces of shit" line he tried to use?

PURITY - 8: The guy's a total dick. But he is trying to win a PGA title here so there's rules he has to follow.

PHYSICAL - 2: Shooter is a chubby white golfer, which is not too different from many other golfers.


Posted by Destro at 10:19 AM

November 06, 2002

Jean-Baptiste Zorg

Mofos come in all shapes and sizes, and seemingly from all walks of life. But the most fascinating ones, in my opinion, are the businessmen (and women) who bring chaos to the cinematic universe, all in the name of the almighty dollar. Being a businessman like Jean-Baptiste Zorg (Gary Oldman) is crucual for gaining power, wealth, and respect. And in The Fifth Element, Zorg is preparing to pull off his most important business deal in history: acquire a set of sacred stones for a highly-secretive buyer, known only as Mr. Shadow. After hiring some Mangalore thugs to do the job for him - and watching them fail - Zorg realizes that if you want something done... well, you know the rest.

Off to Fhloston Paradise he goes with devious plans in mind (and his new ZF-1 blaster in hand). To a man like Zorg, time is not only money, it is life itself. Working under ultimately fatal conditions, Zorg does his damnedest to extract the stones from the Titanic-like cruise liner, but before you can say "Leeloo Dallas Multipass," they slip through his fingers and a giant karma bomb pretty much does the rest for Jean-Baptiste Zorg. Just goes to show you that just because you own the company that supplies military weapons, you shouldn't necessarily be the one to use them.

Zorg, a futuristic cross between Jean-Paul Gaultier and H. Ross Perot, is downright frightening from a fashion standpoint. Perhaps just as astounding though is his confidence in his own business practices. Witness the deal between Zorg and the mercenary band of aliens: "Four stones? Four crates. ZERO STONES? ZERO CRATES!" Even while under duress, Zorg remains a crafty negotiator; as for his dealings with Mr. Shadow, however, Zorg was clearly in over his head.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: A crafty businessman with some fairly devious plans up his sleeve.

POWER - 5: Zorg's one of the smaller mofos out there, but he's not afraid to get his hands dirty.

VILENESS - 7: The morals pretty much go out the door when money - and his own life - hangs in the balance.

SWAY - 6: Not afraid to raise his voice, even against mercanaries twice his size.

PURITY - 8: Will hire the dirtiest players in the game and personally kill civilians.

PHYSICAL - 4: The Jean-Paul Gaultier getup measures well for shock value, but not for villainy.


Posted by Destro at 09:31 AM

October 31, 2002

Michael Myers

Happy Halloween. For so many cinematic trick-or-treaters, this holiday is no longer a happy time for eating goodies, either because they're dead or have been forever scarred by encountering a psychopath by the name of Michael Myers. On Halloween night 1963, six-year old Michael brutally murdered his older sister and ended up locked away in the county sanitarium for the next 15 years. On Halloween night 1978, Michael came home... and the rest is movie history.

Michael's primary targets would be found in his own family tree, his rage seemingly fueled by the abandonment for so many years. His sister Laurie Strode, Laurie's psychic daughter Jamie, and Laurie's son John were among subsequent targets. Myers' focus was always "dead on," but anyone - and we mean anyone - who got in the way got dead quickly, and usually in a creative and disgusting way. Getting impaled on something unnaturally was usually the grossest and most effective way to go.

However, no foe was quite as determined to rid the planet of Michael Myers as the legendary Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasence). Over a handful of sequels, the good doctor continued to pursue the dark legend, and he became more and more haunted as the bodies continued to pile up. After emptying six bullets into the body of Michael Myers in 1978 and watching him survive, Loomis would never ever give up until the very end.

Played in the original by the guy who directed The Last Starfighter (Nick Castle), The Shape's shoes are often filled by career stuntmen who enjoy taking an ass-kicking, absorbing various stabbings, electrocutions, gunshots, fire, windows, and other usually-fatal acts of mankind. His physical resilience is downright fascinating, and his obsession with revenge is neverending. It seems that no matter what you do, Michael Myers manages to survive... and prepares to return next Halloween.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Myers' plans are plain, simple, and usually effective. And he knows how to drive a car.

POWER - 9: Deceptively strong for a guy his size, and absolutely impervious to pain.

VILENESS - 10: Impaling and slashing people has rarely been done better, and with such silent contentment.

SWAY - 5: As a large mute psychopath, Myers can only intimidate non-vocally. Saves him from spouting bad puns, though: "What a cut-up! Ahah, get it?"

PURITY - 9: His obsession with murdering every last remote member of his family is admirable.

PHYSICAL - 5: While the albino Shatner mask is off-putting, most people don't get scared when they see The Shape, even up close.


Posted by Destro at 03:27 PM

October 29, 2002

Cal Hockley

"You like lamb, don't you hon?" As a representative of the upper crust of society aboard the maiden voyage of the Titanic, Cal Hockley (Billy Zane) still has plenty to learn about the opposite sex. Then again, back in those days, I guess it was commonplace to drive your significant other into the depths of despair because of the incredible ass you were acting like. No wonder 17-year-old hottie Rose DeWitt Bukater (Kate Winslet) wanted to leap from the stern of the biggest boat in history. Kudos for Leo DiCaprio for spotting a hot piece of ass when he did.

But back to Cal. He's a total dick. Arrogant and greedy, he understood his place in society as a rich white man to be that of a control freak. Just as the passengers of the Titanic never considered a disaster could befall the ship, Cal never thought his marriage-to-be could be destroyed by the likes of an Irish commoner, even one as pretty as Leo. However, between trying to save face over the loss of his babe and greed over the giant jewel he had given her, Cal went to every length possible to rid himself of Jack Dawson. And that included submerging Rose along with him and the doomed oceanliner.

Cal's reached his own demise off-screen, between the lines of Rose's narration, no less. He survived the incredible disaster - did he even notice? - but his arrogance would catch up with him and lead to suicide. Indeed, how can you expect anyone else to love you when you're too busy being in love with yourself?

INTELLIGENCE - 5: He has an average intellect, enough to speak somewhat-intelligently about the things rich people care about.

POWER - 5: He's a stiff, but in fair shape for someone that sips brandy with the boys all day.

VILENESS - 7: Greedy and controlling, smarmy and off-putting, he was willing to kill his fiance to save face.

SWAY - 6: He's got a jealous streak and a temper capable of some decent intimidation.

PURITY - 9: Cal could not swayed from giving up Rose, and if he couldn't have her, no one could.

PHYSICAL - 4: He sure is a sexy bastard in that fine suit of his.


Posted by Destro at 09:49 AM

October 18, 2002

Maxxx Orbison

Everyone has dreams of making it big in Hollywood, but some just end up making pornos. In Maxxx Orbison's case, he got to do both. Thanks to a fateful *ahem* stroke of luck, the director of Orgazmo found the ultimate leading man at his front door. Joe Young (Trey Parker) was hoping to spread the word of the Lord, but ended up starring in a movie where chicks just spread their legs.

On screen, Orgazmo would defeat foes by making them feel sweet pleasure via the Orgazmorator, then kick their ass. Behind the scenes, however, Maxxx Orbison was a greedy, controlling tyrant with a team of stooges ready to keep his stars in line.

Maxxx's destiny is uncertain. Greed drove him to rush Orgazmo 2 into production after the first movie miraculously became the biggest hit of all time (pre-Titanic, of course). And that same greed may have cost him the most valuable things every man holds dear: his family jewels. But that loss may have made him even stronger, for now you must fear... Neutered Man! (We'll see if that ever becomes a reality, though.)

INTELLIGENCE - 6: He is conniving, with some decent evil ideas about how to do business.

POWER - 5: He's a big guy, but let's his thugs do the dirty work for him.

VILENESS - 4: He takes Joe's fiance hostage, threatening to turn her into a porn star. Kinky.

SWAY - 7: One of his stronger points, Maxxx gets what he wants or he gets mad (and screams louder).

PURITY - 7: Not even seeing Orgazmo become the biggest box office hit will satify his greed.

PHYSICAL - 5: The slicked-back hair and chunky stature remind some of a cinematic version of ECW's Paul Heyman.


Posted by Destro at 02:50 PM

July 12, 2002


Once an overbearing husband and farmer, Edgar became and overbearing bug posing as an ugly human after a close encounter on his farm. Later, in New York City, he began to terrorize intergalactic ambassadors and the general populace. As usual, it's time to call in the Men in Black.

This particular case for the MiB couldn't have come at a worse time as an alien race was already demanding "the galaxy" and time was winding down quickly. Led by veteran Agent K and rookie Agent J, the MiB tracked this big bug down and did what they could to take him down. His bug strength and dimwittedness helped Edgar fight off the agents a few times and led to a showdown downtown.

Edgar's best points are certainly his off-putting behavior as he posed as a human being. Coming off as overly excited and loud - and decomposing in the process - he frightened many a NYC resident. Finally, in bug form, he battled the MiB's best but proved to be just as vulnerable to a Series 4 Deatomizer as his ship had been. Edgar is absolutely one of the toughest customers in the movies lately. I'm sure the MiB can't wait until one of his millions of cousins or uncles rises up to take his place.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Edgar is a bit on the dim side, but, hey, nobody said bugs were smart.

POWER - 8: With the power of a giant cockroach, Edgar is one tough hombre. Still vulnerable to MiB weapons though.

VILENESS - 7: Has no problem throwing, impaling, and sliming people in his way.

SWAY - 7: Edgar tends to get very physical - and loud - when he wants something.

PURITY - 9: With his family's existence on the line, you know Edgar's in it for the long haul.

PHYSICAL - 9: In human form, he's frightening. In bug form, forget the Raid - just start running.


Posted by Destro at 12:38 PM

May 29, 2002

Peyton Flanders

A woman is married to a successful doctor, an OBGYN to be exact. She's incredibly happy too because they're about to have their first baby. Suddenly, the doctor gets slammed with a number of lawsuits, claiming he sexually assaulted his patients. One of them was Claire (Annabella Sciorra). The doctor commits suicide, and his wife, played by Rebecca De Mornay, has a miscarriage.

This woman becomes obsessed with vengeance for the deaths of her husband and baby. Passing herself off as prospective nanny, Peyton Flanders, she gets a job working for Claire's family. Soon enough, she has slipped her way into more intimate parts of the family, befriending the couple's daughter Emma, making advances towards the husband Michael (Matt McCoy), and - get this - breastfeeding the youngest baby. Good grief!

It's rare that women have the chance to play a part so deliciously evil these days and De Mornay is pretty incredible. Peyton meets her demise in a particularly villainous way, but not after she's thoroughly terrorized the family in her own seductive, clever ways.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Made some clever moves, but too many old habits resurfaced and tipped off the good guys.

POWER - 5: Not particularly physically powerful.

VILENESS - 8: Acted nice, buy terrorized anyone in her way. Breast feeding someone else's baby though... that's low.

SWAY - 8: Acted very sweet, so everyone was really taken in by her, especially Claire's daughter and husband.

PURITY - 9: So obsessed by revenge that she was willing to go to any length to take Claire's place in the family.

PHYSICAL - 6: Her beauty helped her get in good with Michael.


Posted by Destro at 05:17 PM

May 10, 2002


Sil, played by Natasha Henstridge in her first movie role, is one nasty mutha from another planet, sent to Earth in the form of alien DNA so gullible scientists could reproduce her here in human form... or something like that. The point is that like any secret government experiment, something goes wrong and it/she escapes. It's not long before a trail of dead bodies leads the Species search party out to L.A. where all the weirdos in the universe hang out.

For such a B-movie idea, Sil's character is actually developed pretty well, considering she grows not only into a jaw-droppingly gorgeous babe but into a better human-being-in-disguise by improving her interpersonal skills and using abilities like lip-reading from hundreds of feet away and disguising herself with hair color and different clothes. Such actions from an alien are pretty damn resourceful and certainly show off her skill at blending in and surviving underground.

However, her main focus as she's driven by instinct is not to club-hop at the trendiest L.A. bars but to mate. As Sil tries to learn how to survive the Michael-Madsen-led death squad, the desire inside gnaws at her even more. Eventually, she does mate with an unfortunate Alfred Molina (or fortunate, depending how you look at it) and her offspring nearly gets loose. (Speaking of misbegotten offspring, let's just forget Species II ever happened.) But hey, this is Michael Madsen we're talking about! The Alien Blonde versus Mr. Blonde? No contest. Game over.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Knows how to interact on a very basic level, but with observation, she's able to improve her skills over time.

POWER - 9: Her alien powers give her incredible strength and healing powers, not to mention extremely heightened senses.

VILENESS - 7: Has no moral sense, so kidnapping and murdering people really doesn't bother her at all.

SWAY - 4: Her lack of experience with humans makes it difficult for her to fit into society and influence anyone.

PURITY - 8: Driven to reproduce by a time bomb of a biological clock, she's haunted by not knowing why she exists.

PHYSICAL - 9: In L.A., hiding is easy if you're a tall, blonde hottie; when it's time to fight, she's H.R. Giger's wet dream.


Posted by Destro at 03:55 PM

March 28, 2002

John Doe

Most villains these days lack one thing that helps them on their way to greatness. And no, I'm not talking about a lightsaber or a cool-ass costume. I'm talking about a plan, something for them to follow, to stick to. Many mofos on this list have one, but get sidetracked when the good guys nip at their heels trying to foil said plan. Not this one.

John Doe (real name: supposedly unknown) wanted to remind the world about the Se7en deadly sins it was supposed to be avoiding: gluttony, pride, greed, lust, sloth, envy and wrath. And in David Fincher's dark and dingy world, Doe was able to slip into the shadows after each instance in which he left bloody examples of the weak representatives of mankind for the detectives on the case, played by Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman.

The revolting acts of the deranged Mr. Doe eventually made his plans clear but his means even more mysterious. How would he complete the picture he was painting and would the authorities catch him in time? The fact is that John Doe is one of the few Mofos here - or in cinematic history, for that matter - to actually win in the end. Some may say that his undoing proves that good always wins in the end, but the completion of his wicked plan simply makes John Doe a Mofo Martyr.

INTELLIGENCE - 9: Brilliant and clever, if not insane and disturbed at the same time. You seen this guy's notebook collection?

POWER - 4: Simply an average physical man being driven to commit ungodly acts by an unhealthy mental obsession.

VILENESS - 10: Paints the pictures for our good detectives with blood and guts in some of the grizzliest acts known to cinema.

SWAY - 6: Given the insanity of his activities, it's tough to be swayed by this psycho... unless your wife's head is in the box.

PURITY - 10: He's even willing to sacrifice his own life to complete his illustration of the seven deadly sins.

PHYSICAL - 2: There's nothing especially scary about Doe... unless he's holding a box with your wife's head in it.


Posted by Destro at 04:24 PM

Casanova Frankenstein

In a city where all the villains were out of business, the only sheriff in town made a big mistake by letting one back in.

Captain Amazing committed a gross error in judgment when he arranged to have the superevil Casanova Frankenstein let out of the nuthouse. Soon enough, the Cas was up to no good and had the upper hand on the Captain and his dear Champion City. His plan was to use some kind of mindbending machine to, well, do something really evil to the city and its fair citizens. It's hard to tell what his exact plans were; he was, of course, insane.

Anyway, in the end, it took a band of misfit superhero-wannabes to defeat Frankenstein, and even then their team still didn't have a name. While this is embarassing to a supermofo like Casanova Frankenstein, he should take solace in the fact that it took seven of them to take on one of him. And now there's one less disco fan in the world. *weep*

INTELLIGENCE - 9: His strongest asset, he was able to do a great deal of research in the asylum where he stayed for 20 years.

POWER - 5: Physically mediocre; relies on his gangs to do most of the tough stuff, but seems to enjoy fisticuffs quite a bit.

VILENESS - 7: Wants to take control of Champion City and will kill everyone to accomplish his goal.

SWAY - 8: Very charming. However, in 20 years, he was never able to convince anyone to let him out of the nuthouse.

PURITY - 7: Definitely insane, but he seems to enjoy disco more than terrorizing people.

PHYSICAL - 3: The scariest thing about the Cas' appearance is his sad devotion to the wardrobe of the '70s.


Posted by Destro at 04:07 PM

Annie Wilkes

Annie Wilkes - masterfully portrayed by Kathy Bates - certainly would not classify herself as a villain. In Misery, she simply did what any good citizen would do if they happened to run across her favorite author injured in a car accident in the dead of winter. She took him in and helped him get better. It’s the least his #1 Fan could do.

Of course, she went a bit over the line. Just as Paul Sheldon (James Caan) was ready to leave, Annie felt the desire to keep him there longer. Especially after finding out that Sheldon was killing off her very favorite fictional character from his novels, Misery. Annie felt it was necessary for Paul to stay longer and make things right, and when Paul disagreed, she needed to take steps to keep him there.

Whether it was by lying, drugging him, or using the occasional sledgehammer to the ankles to keep him off his feet, Annie did it. In the position poor Paul Sheldon was in, Annie represented a serious obstacle to freedom to overcome, but it was only a matter of time before Annie lost her battle.

INTELLIGENCE - 4: She did her part to keep Paul in the dark, but couldn’t throw the law off her trail.

POWER - 5: Not physically strong, but it was enough to keep the injured Paul off his feet and in the house.

VILENESS - 9: Broke Paul’s ankles just to keep him captive and shot poor Richard Farnsworth.

SWAY - 6: Very friendly with the small town folks; even with Paul. No one would suspect her of evil doing.

PURITY - 8: So obsessed with keeping Paul there, Annie did just about everything to make it so.

PHYSICAL - 5: Her regular appearance allowed her to keep a low profile while holding Paul hostage.


Posted by Destro at 04:00 PM


Regardless of whether it was the mindless loner in James Cameron's original or the cyborg who learned catch phrases in the sequel, The Terminator had a job to do and nothing was about to get in its way.

In The Terminator, it hunted down Sarah Connor, a seemingly-unimportant waitress and fashion victim of the 80s. It killed extras at will and took out an entire police station filled with That Guys like Lance Henriksen and Paul Winfield. In Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it was sent back to protect Sarah's son, John, from a newer model terminator.

In the first movie, we see how deadly this machine can be. Ruthless and determined, it came within a pneumatic press of completing its mission. In the following movie, we got to see that it could learn and adapt to become more human and blend in better. In either case, The Terminator will never quit. In this case, being programmed is quite like being insane: either way, right or wrong, there's no way you can go against the inner workings of your brain... or CPU.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: It has "detailed files" on the subjects, but not much about how to act in public or blend in.

POWER - 9: Super-human strength. Very efficient killer, thanks to its study of the human anatomy.

VILENESS - 8: Will do anything to complete its mission, including offing anyone in its way: bar patrons, cops, punks, anyone.

SWAY - 3: Not charismatic at all. Later models should learn not to start their missions completely naked.

PURITY - 10: Programmed to complete a mission without question. There's NO way whatsoever to talk it out of doing its job.

PHYSICAL - 8: Bad-ass look. Very intimidating. However, once he starts to get hacked up, he can't pass well for a human.


Posted by Destro at 03:30 PM

March 14, 2002


For a long time, this doll was nothing more than a Jason-wannabe, a poor man's Freddy. He did his movies, killed lots of dumbass victims, but he had no respect. Indeed, he's been in some embarrassing situations, like that whole kid's military school thing and the endless plot holes and storylines that make no sense.

But beyond the Child's Play sequels and their shortcomings, Chucky himself is clearly a Mofo to be reckoned with. His unassuming form spells trouble for those not familiar with the exploits of Charles Lee Ray in his otherworldly form, and since he usually finds himself with children, the possibilities are even more frightening.

However, there's just a few too many negatives in the way of Chucky being one of the top Mofos. His size and lack of power are big ones. He is evil and he is crazy, but trapped in the form of a bad Good Guy shorter than the majority of his victims, he is indeed cursed.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Utilizes his average intellect to outsmart totally dumb victims. Does have knowledge of the occult as well.

POWER - 2: Even with the occasional voodoo power, Chucky is way too limited to be taken seriously physically.

VILENESS - 9: Here's where he scores big. Offs his victims in a multitude of tasty ways, too many to list here.

SWAY - 4: Can be scary occasionally. Needs dramatic music and heavy winds to really pull it off though.

PURITY - 9: Either he wants to kill and have fun or plans to return to human form. Either way, he's damn focused.

PHYSICAL - 8: Keeping his psychotic side hidden as a doll is perfect. That is, until he gets ripped to shreds (see above).


Posted by Destro at 05:03 PM

Top Dollar

The interesting thing about this villain is that he never got on the bad side of the hero until about two-thirds of the way through the movie. If you'll remember, Eric Draven was resurrected in The Crow to take out the group of bad guys who killed him and his fiancé the previous year. Of course, these bad guys worked for Top Dollar, a shrewd, twisted businessman who ran the city with his own brand of capitalism and chaos. When his boys started to die, the Crow became his problem as well.

From the beginning, however, Top Dollar was fighting his own inner demons. He was a heavy drug user, sleeping with his sister (or his "father's daughter," as he referred to her), and obviously had some kind of bad cold which made his voice extra deep and menacing. But though it all, he remained a businessman first and foremost, looking to reclaim the glory of his earlier days and raise the stakes for future returns on his investment in the city.

Perhaps it was his underestimation of Eric Draven that did him in. He seemed to be swatting at flies when he should have been shooting down this Crow with both barrels a-blazin'. In the end, though, it was simply Draven's desire for vengeance and to protect his friends that counted more than Top Dollar's desire for an obstacle-free business marketplace. The Crow just put Top Dollar in the red, permanently.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Pretty solid mentally and made good decisions.

POWER - 6: Counted on his gang to do most of the work, but his talent with swords shows in the end.

VILENESS - 7: Kept some pretty nasty habits, including sleeping with his sister and killing their sexual partners.

SWAY - 8: Had a number of followers who were pretty talented for your usual gang of hoodlums.

PURITY - 4: Saw Draven simply as a nuisance; comes off more like a businessman than master criminal.

PHYSICAL - 6: Good look for a bad guy, but the voice scores him the points here.


Posted by Destro at 10:14 AM

Mona Demarkov

This Russian mobster was not content to sit around waiting for Death to find her. Once she was brought into town in custody, a snitch named Jack (Gary Oldman) told the bad guys, led by the Don (Roy Scheider), just where she was so they could finish her off. However, she had escaped and the disappointed Don ordered Jack to kill her himself. Heh, right.

Mona was sexy, beautiful, and deadly, all wrapped in a tight little crazy package. She didn't care who got in the way of her plans, which were pretty simple: get free and take out the Boss who wanted her dead. Jack was no problem to get away from given his weakness for long legs and drop-dead gorgeous babes, and the Don soon found himself in a hollow unmarked grave.

It wasn't until she faked her death in a fire, however, that her insanity truly peaked. She lopped off her own arm and threw it into the fire with a dead body (Jack's mistress!) to try to throw the authorities off her trail. Once the heat got too hot, however, she found herself on the side of the law, selling out Jack and his crimes in a deal with the Feds.

Her ending was not the type a villain like hers deserves, in my opinion, but allowed her to become all the more haunting in the Jack's memory. If she can't get him in life, she will haunt him in death. Stunningly gorgeous and violent, Mona is about as nuts as they get.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: A step ahead of everyone after her. Knew just what to do to get what she wanted.

POWER - 6: Above average for most women, particularly for her ability to take pain.

VILENESS - 9: If you thought burying her enemies alive was bad, look what she did to Juliette Lewis... and herself.

SWAY - 7: Incredibly sexy. Lured Jack into her trap without much of a problem.

PURITY - 9: Her plans were to get free and take out her former boss. She just about accomplished both before she was done.

PHYSICAL - 8: Incredibly beautiful with great taste in a wardrobe, she was alluring and had a great evil laugh.


Posted by Destro at 10:04 AM

March 12, 2002

Hannibal Lecter

The good doctor wasn't famous for his mind or his taste in food, but rather for the combination of both. How could a man so brilliant be so blatantly evil? If we could answer that question, Sir Anthony Hopkins may not have won the Oscar for his portrayal of Clarice Starling's buddy in the cage. Dr. Lecter buries the needle on the Mofo-Meter in a number of categories, ranking him as one of the craziest Crazy Mofos in movie history.

His acts of cruelty from The Silence of the Lambs rank right up there with some of the worst ever. A sample: cutting the face of a guard and wearing it as a disguise during an escape. He has absolutely no remorse while slicing and dicing his victims and his taste for vengeance seems to be unending. Meanwhile, in Hannibal, the doc displayed his love for carnage all over the world. And the climactic scene with Starling (Julianne Moore) and Krendler (Ray Liotta) is about as surreal and disturbing as you will ever see on the big screen.

As a good measure, think about some of the villains you think you might be able to take on and this should explain why certain Mofos score higher than others. The question here is: would you ever want to go up against Lecter, with the possibility he may eat your face at any given moment? I'll take my chances with someone else any day.

INTELLIGENCE - 10: An absolute genius. His mind is often sharper than the knives he uses to dine on people with.

POWER - 7: Deceptive strength for a man his age. Good stamina and dexterity, and he always remains incredibly calm, even during a struggle.

VILENESS - 10: Where to begin? He kills people. He eats people. And there's no end in sight for his tastes.

SWAY - 10: His genius allows him to control conversations and influence even the steadiest individuals.

PURITY - 10: The Doctor passed the point of no return long ago. He is a severe danger to society.

PHYSICAL - 6: Besides his occasional disguises, Hannibal employs one fantastic stare.


Posted by Destro at 10:15 AM

March 07, 2002


This Egyptian High Priest had it all. Power, wealth, and all the sandals a guy could want. However, he went a little too far when he got frisky with the Pharaoh's mistress, Anck-Su-Namun. Their love would be their undoing.

In The Mummy, their love was discovered by the Pharaoh, who was immediately killed by the lovers. Anck-Su-Namun sacrificed herself to save Imhotep, who vowed to resurrect her. He came close twice, only to be thwarted by the Pharaoh's guards and an English librarian and her swashbuckling sweetheart.

Later, in The Mummy Returns, he plans to defeat the Scorpion King to achieve unspeakable power. Resurrected by the reincarnation of his lover, his lust for power wouldn't be enough to save him a second time... or would this be the third time?

In the end, Imhotep is doubly powerful because of his devout following, but all the ways to defeat him seem to be written down in books already.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: He was shrewd but driven too much by his passions. Perhaps if he wasn't so whipped by Anck-Su-Namun...

POWER - 9: Beyond the grave, Imhotep had supernatural power and superhuman strength... when the Gods allowed it.

VILENESS - 7: Sucked his opponents dry of bodily fluids and used mummies and scarabs to off his enemies. Gross.

SWAY - 9: Had a religious following devoted to him to the death (and beyond) and was rarely intimidated by opponents.

PURITY - 7: He craved world domination but was constantly distracted by his love for Anck-Su-Namun.

PHYSICAL - 7: He could be a gross, gooey mummy or a sandstorm, or sometimes just completely smug.


Posted by Destro at 10:55 AM