October 15, 2004

Kim Jong Il

The only thing scarier than a weapon of mass destruction is the person willing to use it. And that would make Kim Jong Il the scariest mofo on the planet. The North Korean dictator has assembled a secret cache of WMDs and has been organizing terrorists around the world to unleash them upon the planet at the same time, thereby knocking the United States down to the same level as everyone else in the world. And we can't have that...

The heroic Team America is dispatched to fight the terrorists off and discover who is behind this devious plan. They draft Gary, a Broadway actor, to pose as a Middle Eastern terrorist and infiltrate the bad guys. Team America has a habit of shooting first and asking questions later, though, and their trail of bullets, dead bodies, and desecrated national monuments eventually leads them into a trap. Kim Jong Il captures the team and only Gary can save them. In the end, Team America must pull together to defeat Alec Baldwin's gang of peacenik glitterati.

As for Kim Jong Il, at every turn, he shows how eccentric a character he is while simultaneously showing no mercy for those in his way. Not long after firing a bullet through the head of his interpreter for a complete misunderstanding, his terrorist associates bow to his wishes, afraid of him. Only a complete maniac would terrorize other terrorists! Also, he shows no respect for the United Nations or what they stand for when he feeds Hans Blix to his pet sharks. It's no wonder Il finds himself so "ronery."

Ultimately, Team America foils Il's plan and discovers the ugly truth behind Kim Jong Il's identity. Suffice it to say: he is a puppet, like many of the politicians and celebrities in the world, but when freedom is in danger, you can count on Team America being there to cut the strings, bitch.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: This South Korean leader has drawn up a plan to turn the entire planet into Third World countries. He is smart and very dangerous.

POWER - 3: Kim Jong Il lets his Hollywood comrades and hired guns work for him. And he's a puppet; he can't do shit.

VILENESS - 9: What kind of maniac would subject Hans Blix to the wrath of angry nurse sharks?

SWAY - 7: Although some people have trouble understanding him, he did execute his last translator, so you'd better try hard to listen.

PURITY - 10: The entire world is on the brink of disaster because of this psychopath!

PHYSICAL - 2: Not only is he a little dude with big goofy glasses, but he's also 10 inches tall. With strings.


Posted by Destro at 09:46 AM

September 09, 2004

Eric Knox

Eric Knox (Sam Rockwell), is a brilliant young scientist and the founder of Knox Industries. His expertise is in voice recognition software and his signiture product will allow computer systems to map a voice to a person like a fingerprint. When Knox is kidnapped and his software is stolen, an elite team of three female private investigators are called in to work on the case: Charlie's Angels.

Knox Industries president Vivian Wood (Kelly Lynch) hires Charles Townsend and his girls to find Knox and bring back the software and she points them to the man who tried to buy Knox Industries and was recently spurned, Roger Corwin (Tim Curry), owner of Red Star Systems. His company specializes in satellite tracking and Knox's software would undoubtedly allow him to find anyone in the world just by the sound of their voice.

The girls infiltrate Red Star and steal Corwin's system software to locate the stolen Knox software. In the meantime, Knox beds one of the Angels, Dylan (Drew Barrymore), and gains her trust. Before they realize what's happening however, Knox turns on Dylan, revealing that the kidnapping was a setup and that Red Star was nothing but a red herring. In fact, the girls were used to steal Red Star's software for Knox to use, and he will use it to settle a personal vendetta against the girls' boss. Knox claims that Charlie killed his father when they were in Army Intelligence together. He facts are wrong, but try telling that to a vengeful son.

Ultimately, all of Knox's smarts and charm can't save him from the relentless Angels, intent on saving their boss and mentor. Knox eventually flies a helicopter to Charlie's remote beach house and readies a heatseeker. The Angels miraculously turn the missle against the chopper, and Knox perishes in a huge fireball over the ocean. His attempt at revenge was all in vain, and it proved to be a terrible waste of a creative, talented mind.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: An innovative genius in his field, Knox brings plenty of smarts to the table as a villain.

POWER - 5: Not much of a fighter, but he can use a gun, a helicopter, and - most importantly - a computer.

VILENESS - 9: He's devious, merciless, and full of himself, a bad combo for the good guys (or gals).

SWAY - 5: Too unsure of himself to be forceful, but Knox does a fair job of lulling victims into thinking he's an innocent.

PURITY - 10: Exacting revenge for his late dad will send any son to the edge, and Knox uses his intellect to go well beyond.

PHYSICAL - 4: Knox plays the nerdy enigma role for a while before adpoting his sex-machine-wannabe guise.


Posted by Destro at 11:33 AM

July 12, 2004


Wilson Fisk (Michael Clarke Duncan) is a powerful and corrupt businessman. He has many associates willing to do whatever he says, and when he needs special jobs taken care of, Fisk often hires outside help in the form of murderers and assassins. He is a businessman, and he only settles for the best. He's been burned before, like years ago when a palooka named Jack Murdock was supposed to throw a fight for him but didn't. Murdock's blind kid listened as the fighter was pummelled to death outside the arena, and the mysterious figure known as the Kingpin left his calling card - a rose on the dead body.

Wilson Fisk is the Kingpin, although the cops and the media have been trying to prove the true identity of the gangster for years. And Jack Murdock's blind kid just so happened to grow up and become a superhero. Daredevil (Ben Affleck) has been patrolling the streets of the city for years, and during the day Matt Murdock has been working as a lawyer. When the law doesn't work for him, he takes it into his own hands, and he's been doing it for years, on the trail of the man who murdered his father.

When one of Fisk's associates, Nikolas Natchios, asks to leave the business, Fisk seems to agree that it's time for him to go, but behind his back, he hires an assassin to take Natchios out. In turn, Fisk plans to pin evidence on Natchios to make him look like the long-rumored "Kingpin." Bullseye arrives in town and promptly kills Natchios, and even pins the crime on Daredevil. The superhero arrived in time to make Bullseye miss once, but Bullseye turned the hero's weapon on Natchios. Now Natchios' daughter blames Daredevil - as do the authorities - and the Kingpin has only one loose end to tie up: kill Daredevil. Bullseye volunteers for the job, but eventually fails. And Daredevil is coming for the Kingpin.

Fisk is a massive man with giant muscles, and when the Man Without Fear decides to fight the Kingpin one on one, you have to wonder why Fisk hires outside help. He pummells Daredevil, tossing him around his plush office like a rag doll. Eventually, he unmasks the hero to find the blind lawyer Matt Murdock underneath, and he laughs. Ironic, yes, that a blind man is able to be so well-skilled as a fighter, but when he tells Matt that it was he who killed his father all those years ago, irony turns to revenge. Daredevil fights back and has Kingpin set up for the kill, and finally relents. He lets Fisk live because he can show mercy, and because he is the good guy, unlike the Kingpin. The gangster lives with the knowledge that a blind man knows his secret, but Daredevil knows that Fisk knows his as well.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: This mobster is a shrewd businessman who has kept his true identity hidden for many years.

POWER - 7: He is big and superstrong, but he's not too fast.

VILENESS - 9: Think his enemies should worry? Fisk's business associates seem to die just as often.

SWAY - 7: Fisk is smooth and puts on a good face for the public. No wonder nobody could figure out he was the Kingpin.

PURITY - 8: Money and power drive this giant gangster, and he believes the town belongs to him.

PHYSICAL - 6: Fisk is built like a sequoia, and even his smile seems to be menacing.


Posted by Destro at 10:20 AM


When the Kingpin has a problem, the Kingpin calls his problem solver. Bullseye (Colin Farrell) is an intense Irish assassin with a target permanently affixed to his forehead. He's hired for the toughest jobs because he is the best. He takes his targets seriously, so much so that he never misses. Not once. That is, not until Daredevil (Ben Affleck) makes him miss.

Kingpin - real name, Wilson Fisk (Michael Clarke Duncan) - hires Bullseye to take out one of his top associates, Nikolas Natchios. It seems Natchios wants out of the crime business, but for Fisk, he only knows of one way to get out, and it ain't alive. So Bullseye is brought in to finish him off. Meanwhile, Daredevil has been searching for the Kingpin for years, and when he sees Natchios is in danger, he tags along. He arrives just in time to meet Bullseye, who tries to get rid of the blind superhero before he takes care of Natchios. But Daredevil avoids Bullseye's darts. Bullseye MISSES. "I never miss!"

He does eventually accomplish his mission, and even manages to make it look like Daredevil killed Natchios. But Bullseye is enraged by the Man Without Fear. Kingpin is happy with his work, but realizes Daredevil will remain a problem. Bullseye volunteers for the job of killing the hero, free of charge. All because Daredevil made him miss. But while Bullseye is on the trail of Daredevil, so is Elektra, Natchios' daughter.

Believing Daredevil to be her father's killer, Elektra confronts Daredevil. Unbeknownst to her, the man behind the mask is Matt Murdock, the man she has fallen in love with. Elektra gets the upper hand on Daredevil and unmasks him, sending her reeling with emotion. And then Bullseye arrives. Elektra is a well-trained fighter, but she's not much of a match for Bullseye. He stabs her through the chest and leaves her for dead. Daredevil watches as Elektra slips away, and soon he's off to find Bullseye. They end up fighting in a local church, and Bullseye uses the giant organ's pipes to his advantage, deafening Daredevil's powerful ears. But the blind man soon stages a comeback, making Bullseye miss many more times and ultimately kicking him through a stained-glass window high above the street to his (supposed) death. He lands on the car of reporter Ben Urich, the man who has been tracking the Daredevil story. Bullseye, indeed.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Bullseye is the muscle for the Kingpin; he's not behind any master plans of his own.

POWER - 8: His fighting skills are good, but his throwing skills are amazing. Hence the name.

VILENESS - 9: Nobody is safe near this guy, even if you're in a bar or a church.

SWAY - 7: His intense stare is enough to intimidate most people, probably moreso than his Irish accent.

PURITY - 10: He's an assassin paid to do what he's told, but when Daredevil makes him miss, Bullseye makes the job very personal.

PHYSICAL - 7: Seems like your average psychopath until he reveals the bullseye cut into his head.


Posted by Destro at 10:14 AM

July 04, 2004

Dr. Octopus

Dr. Otto Octavius (Alfred Molina) is a genius in the field of fusion, and lucky for him, his experiments are being funded by Oscorp's current CEO Harry Osborne (James Franco), who took over for his late father. Harry's best buddy Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire) is there to witness the unveiling of Octavius' latest venture, an elaborate fusion experiment undertaken with the hopes of providing an infinite supply of cheap energy for everyone. However, the demonstration turns into a disaster when the technology backfires on Octavius, killing his wife and causing four large impenetrable mechanical arms to be permanently attached to his body. The artificial intelligence used to operate the arms soon take over Octavius' own mind, turning him from a philanthropic visionary into an evil and powerful supervillain.

And of course, Spider-Man is there to take on the man dubbed "Doctor Octopus" by the local paper. Octavius disappears from sight after his fateful experiment, but he passes the time in hiding by assembling the machinery and technology to rebuild the same fusion device, this time much bigger. There is still one piece missing, though, and Octavius can only get it from Oscorp, and specifically, Harry Osborn. Harry may be physically threatened when Octavius climbs up the side of a building to Harry's penthouse to confront him, but since Spider-Man is still on the loose, Harry is willing to make a deal with Octavius: bring him Spider-Man, he'll give him whatever he needs. The first step is to find Peter Parker, who takes the webslinger's pictures.

"Doc Ock" does find Parker together with Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst), and Octavius takes M.J. hostage, telling Parker to deliver Spider-Man or else. When Spidey does arrive, he and Ock rumble throughout the city. Octavius puts all kinds of civilians at risk, especially a subway car full of people. Spidey miraculously saves them, but at great physical expense. Octavius easily captures him and takes him to Harry. Once Spider-Man is delivered to Harry, Octavius runs off with his winnings. In the meantime, Harry discovers the incredible truth about Spider-Man's true identity: he is Peter Parker, his best friend.

Soon enough, Spider-Man is back on his feet, off to battle Octavius. In an abandoned building, the doctor has his new fusion experiment in high gear when Spidey arrives. Octavius is intent on developing the means to generate incredible power, but Spider-Man is trying to prevent the city from being destroyed should that power become unstable, as it did in Octavius' original experiment. Another battle begins, and Spider-Man finds a way to electrocute Octavius, disrupting the AI's control over the scientist and allowing the good doctor to return to his senses. Octavius realizes the mechanical arms have been controlling him, and the only way to save the city from certain destruction - and to save his soul - is to collapse the entire building into the bay. Octavius caves in everything by using the arms to rip apart his experiment, and he sinks into the ocean with his creation. With the arms still attached to his body, one cannot be certain if the man will ever be separated from the machine.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: Octavius is a great scientist, and his brain was entirely at the disposal of the AI to build another powerful and destructive force.

POWER - 9: His mechanical arms are impervious to just about everything, and boy can they move fast to Octavius' commands.

VILENESS - 8: What's worse than dangling poor old Aunt May from the rooftops? Not a whole lot.

SWAY - 7: He is especially vicious and focused, especially while trading barbs with Spider-Man in the midst of endangering numerous civilians.

PURITY - 5: The AI running the mechanical arms did enough to put the city in great danger, but Octavius was finally able to overcome it.

PHYSICAL - 9: The arms just about cover up the fact Octavius is a chubby older scientist.


Posted by Destro at 10:08 PM

May 21, 2004


As villains go, Bill (David Carridine) is quite complex, unlike his monosyllabic name. Bill is the leader of the Deadly Viper Assassination Squad (DiVAS), a gang of lethal, well-trained killers. He and one of its members, The Bride (Uma Thurman), were an item until she became pregnant with his child. She quit the business of killing people, but the business would catch up with her when Bill surprises the pregnant Bride on her wedding day. She was due to marry some schmo who would undoubtedly take care of her, but he would never really know The Bride - or understand her - like Bill did. So Bill had the DiVAS kill everyone in the church, and Bill put a bullet in The Bride's head.

Years later, miraculously, The Bride is still alive. Comatose, but not dead. She awakens with a thirst for vengeance and a list of five people she plans on killing. The first four are members of the DiVAS; Bill will be last. The Bride slices and dices through her former Squad-mates, unaware of the fact that the baby she was pregnant with all those years ago was, in fact, born and has been living with Bill the whole time. She discovers the truth when she tracks down Bill... and her daughter. Out of respect - and perhaps the memory of the love he once had for the mother of his daughter - Bill gives The Bride a full night to be with her little girl before the inevitable showdown between the two can happen.

In retrospect, Bill knows he was wrong. He admits he overreacted to the Bride spurning her life with the DiVAS and, especially, him. Bill does have a particular set of morals, and he also believes in honor. He is not a raving psychotic or an over-the-top maniac. Bill is a soft-spoken, intense soul who has made his decision to live and die (and profit) by the sword. But Bill, at his base, is a killer like the Bride, and he will never leave the world of killing until he himself is dead.

And so, finally, the battle between Bill and the Bride can begin. The fight is an intense display of rage, precision, and emotion, and it ends quickly. The Bride strikes Bill with the legendary Five Finger Exploding Heart Technique, taught to her by their teacher, Pei Mei. Bill is taken aback, but understands the time has come for him to make amends before taking his final five steps. Indeed, he loved The Bride deeply, and cherishes their daughter, but he admits to his wrongdoings and says farewell. Bill takes five steps and, true to the legend of Pei Mei's technique, immediately dies. Vengeance belongs to the Bride.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Smart and clever, Bill is just the right leader for the motley crew known as the DiVAS.

POWER - 7: His skills are still sharp and powerful, even for a man his age.

VILENESS - 9: His treatment of the Bride (and everyone in the church) was swift and painful, and really extreme.

SWAY - 9: Bill is always calm with the intensity of an approaching storm. He will get his way and you know it.

PURITY - 8: He is a merciless killer, but the love for his daughter remains a strong bright spot in his life.

PHYSICAL - 5: He may be a trained killer, but he's still old and crusty.


Posted by Destro at 10:33 AM

April 02, 2004


They lurk behind every corner. They hide in the shadows. They seem to be everywhere. And when you least expect it, they strike -- from below, from above, from behind, or maybe from right in front of you. Most are too terrified to fight back, and those that aren't get ripped to pieces by their gigantic jaws and razor-sharp teeth. The really unlucky ones, however, are taken deep inside their lair and become the victims of their parasitic offspring. And in one agonizing burst from beneath their rib cages, the victims die as the new Aliens greet the world.

These slippery and sickening xenomorphs were first found on the planet LV-426 when the cargo ship Nostromo answered a distress call. Its crew discovered a race of extraterrestrials long dead along with other beings growing inside a field full of eggs. One of the crew came back to the ship with some kind of being attached to his helmet. It had crawled in and attached itself to his face. Days later, the being died and fell off by himself. For a while, the crewmember seemed fine until one fateful day when he was overcome with pain in his stomach. Moments later, an alien burst from his chest, killing him immediately and ushering in the age of the Alien.

Nostromo crewmember Ellen Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) would miraculously survive her ordeal with the alien, which shed its skin numerous times, transforming into a giant hideous beast that tore her crew apart. She blew the beast into space and retreated to a cryosleep chamber. 57 years later, she would be found, only to discover that LV-426 had been settled by colonists hoping to establish new cities on the planet's surface. And the Company involved with sending them there had recently lost contact with the colonists. A troop of Space Marines would be dispatched with Ripley aboard as an advisor to determine the problem. Sure enough, the Aliens had taken over the settlement and the Marines tried to fight them off. Eventually, Ripley would escape again, this time by blowing up the entire settlement in a massive explosion. But even back on the mothership, she'd have to defend herself from an Alien Queen one more time.

Time and again, Ripley would find herself at odds with an Alien, but the conditions of her surroundings (and herself) would be different each time. Ripley would crashland onto a penal colony planet to discover she had been "impregnated" with an alien before the crash. She would find herself fighting off another hideous alien before doing the only thing she could do to kill this final beast: jumping into a giant incinerator, committing suicide.

Though it all, the Company would be after their precious Alien specimen. Determined to be the ideal planetary weapon, the Aliens could kill in so many ways, using their physical strength, size, and survival instincts and abilities. They even had acid for blood, which made it more difficult to kill them (for risk one would die with them). But the Company would strike again years later, using a DNA sample from Ripley to clone her with the Alien beast inside of her. During the process, things didn't quite go according to plan and Ripley emerged with some of the Alien race's more subtle attributes, like senses of smell and increased strength. An Alien would be extracted from Ripley's body surgically, but once again, a race of aliens would wreak havoc for the scientists trying to control them.

Without question, the Alien is one of the strongest and most lethal villains in the movie universe. Even one - as it has been seen numerous times - can cause incredible hardship. Many of them working together are a total nightmare. And that's the thing: the Aliens do have the ability to work together, and certain specific members of the race have emerged. The Alien Queen, specifically, is quite large and powerful and has the ability to produce dozens, if not hundreds, of new eggs. So it would seem the only way to rid the universe of these beasts is to destroy their home planet and pray they haven't gone anywhere else. As one Space Marine once put it, it's "the only way to be sure."

INTELLIGENCE - 5: The race seems to act on instinct, and can understand some of the events going on around them. Not everything, though.

POWER - 9: Big and powerful with unquenchable appetites and acid for blood. Clumsy at times.

VILENESS - 10: The lucky ones are brutally killed in every way possible. The unlucky ones become alien incubators with chest-bursting results.

SWAY - 5: The aliens do communicate some elementary forms of influence, usually by hissing and showing their teeth.

PURITY - 10: There's no stopping them. They will keep coming until the last possible moment.

PHYSICAL - 10: Quite possibly, the most frightening-looking creature in motion picture history.


Posted by Destro at 09:03 AM

March 11, 2004

Dick Lecter

Dick Lecter (Robert Vaughn) is the evil CEO of LecterCorp, a conglomerate of companies that produce cigarettes, malt liquor, fast food, and all kinds of other crap no one should be eating or drinking. He is in this for the money and he doesn't care about the health problems of the people or the degenerating inner cities where these products are being forced onto the general population. But one thing he does not like is Pootie Tang (Lance Crouther).

Pootie is a superstar. A super mega superstar. He's succeeded in every way possible - music, television, women - but he's always kept the best interest of the children in mind. So, with a few public service announcements, this incredibly charismatic superstar tells the kids to stay away from cigarettes, fast food, and malt liquor - all the main LecterCorp products. The results are astounding: burger sales are down 30%, cigarettes down 20%, and the whiskey product is nearly out of business. Lecter thinks he can throw money at the problem and tries signing Pootie Tang to a lucrative contract like George Steinbrenner would sign a new Yankee. But Pootie is too smart for that and turns him down. So Lecter calls in a secret weapon.

Irenie is a crazy white bitch, and she hits Pootie right where it hurts. She hunts him down and goes after him with an animal intensity, and Pootie's sole weakness is revealed: hoes. She steals Pootie's sacred belt and, with it, his ability to fight back. He signs a LecterCorp contract under duress and soon his likeness is being used to sell every terrible Lecter product under the sun.

Pootie would be saved from that crazy bitch Irenie by the street-corner-dancin' Biggie Shorty (Wanda Sykes), and he'd find some refuge in the country with his main damie Trucky so he could cleanse himself of the dirty corporate mess LecterCorp got him into. Eventually, Pootie would return, realizing that the true power of right against wrong couldn't be found in a belt, but inside the human heart. With his friends, he would reveal Dick Lecter to be the evil CEO that he is, literally whup his ass with his old belt, and take down LecterCorp. As Pootie Tang says, "Wa dah tah!"

INTELLIGENCE - 7: An unrelenting businessman who will steep to the lowest level to win.

POWER - 3: Just an old man letting his employees fight for him.

VILENESS - 8: Actually encourages kids to drink, do drugs, etc. all to make himself more money.

SWAY - 6: Smarmy, slick, and shrewd, Dick Lecter is a true shot caller.

PURITY - 8: But what about the children? Eh, he doesn't care.

PHYSICAL - 3: His oversized glasses and skunk-like white hair streaks only add to his oily personality.


Posted by Destro at 02:00 PM

February 29, 2004

Captain Barbossa

There is a myth about a great evil that lurks across the ocean, a ship with black sails with a damned crew and a captain "so evil that Hell spat him back out." The Pirates of the Carribean become a reality for the citizens of Port Royal living under the British flag. The pirates have come looking for something and someone, and when they kidnap the governor's daughter, they bring her before their captain.

Captain Barbossa (Geoffrey Rush) and his crew have been in search of Spanish Gold, but not for profit. As it turns out, they once located a chest full of it once in the hands of Cortez himself, and upon plundering the loot and taking it away, a dark curse descended upon the entire crew. They were damned to live undead lives until every last piece of gold was returned with a tribute of pirate blood, and by the light of the moon, their ghastly zombie-like secret could be seen.

And so Barbossa was intent on spilling the blood of young Elizabeth Turner (Keira Knightly), certain she was the daughter of a pirate he had killed himself years ago. She had deceived them, however, going under the name of a local blacksmith, Will Turner (Orlando Bloom), whom she fancied a great deal. Upon hearing this name, the crew knew they had pirate blood within their grasp. Now to locate young Mr. Turner... It just so happens that the former commander of their ship, The Black Pearl, can deliver him. Since the crew mutinied against him years ago, he'll no doubt be looking to stick it to them in their time of need.

Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) strikes up a series of bargains - and double-crosses - with Barbossa, each one attempting to gain an advantage over the other. Barbossa hopes to lift the curse while Sparrow wants his ship back. For years, Captain Barbossa has swashbuckled his way across the Carribean searching for the lost gold and driving his eternal crew to the bone, so to speak. Now an end may be within their grasp. And then the British show up.

While the crew fights off the Brits, Sparrow swipes a piece of the cursed gold so he and Barbossa can battle each other to a stalemate, unable to injure each other's skeleton forms. This kills enough time for Will Turner to drop the last piece of gold - covered in Sparrow's pirate blood - into Cortez's chest. And in that moment, Sparrow unloads a bullet into Barbossa's heart, which beats again as the curse is lifted. Ironically, he is alive again long enough only to feel the coldness of death pulling him deep into oblivion.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: He was able to lead a mutiny against his former captain and install himself as the new leader of the crew.

POWER - 7: He doesn't fight often, letting his crew do the work, but when he does, don't fight him by moonlight.

VILENESS - 8: Pirates pillage the lands and kill many people. Barbossa is no exception.

SWAY - 8: Barbossa is shrewd and keeps all his cards close to his vest, and it takes a real clever mind to fool him.

PURITY - 8: This pirate is, by nature, in it for profit, but the curse has made him paranoid about doing the wrong thing while trying to get it lifted.

PHYSICAL - 9: He looks like a mean ol' pirate by day, but his real frightening look emerges by the light of the moon.


Posted by Destro at 12:15 AM

December 30, 2003


Many years ago, two little friends found themselves by a river, as was their usual place, but it was there that they found something extraordinary. Or rather, quite precious. Smeagol (Andy Serkis) was once just "one of the river folk." As it is, though, he became another in a long line of beings seduced by The One Ring, the Ring of Power. To possess it, he murdered one person and retreated into the shadows from all of the rest. Over many years in exile, Smeagol transformed into a hideous creature, into the one called Gollum. He would remain underground until the Ring was discovered by a hobbit by the name of Bilbo Baggins and taken away.

Bilbo's nephew Frodo (Elijah Wood) would inherit the Ring, and with it a terrible burden: bring it to Mount Doom to be destroyed. He would accept his role as Ringbearer, but he would also bear the weight of the world on his shoulders. In time, Frodo and his companions - the Fellowship of the Ring - would soon discover another thing in common: they were being followed by Gollum. This pathetic, frightened creature had been beyond the Black Gate and back, but the fires of Mordor and the torture he endured could not keep him from seeking out the Ring once again. The Ring's power is tied to the evil Sauron, who once wielded its power with great alacrity and mercilessness, and that evil had seeped into Gollum and corrupted him.

Eventually, Gollum tried to steal the Ring, but he would be captured by Frodo and his most trusted friend, Sam (Sean Astin). Heading for Mordor but unable to find the way, they allowed Gollum to show them how to get there. Frodo showed mercy, something rarely shown to this creature, and soon a softer, sensitive side emerged in Gollum. Poor Smeagol had been buried beneath the ghastly creature known as Gollum, and Smeagol trusted Frodo, calling him master. However, Sam didn't trust Gollum, certain the villainous side in him would rise again.

Sam was right. In time, Gollum would return and prey on Frodo's growing paranoia, turning Frodo against Sam and leading the Ringbearer into a terrible trap. Gollum hoped that Shelob, the giant spider of Mordor, would capture Frodo and eat him up, allowing to grab the Ring for himself. Frodo was able to avoid the spider at first and escaped its lair. Outside, he fought with Gollum and wound up knocking him over a cliff toward certain death. However, Shelob would return and paralyze Frodo, but it couldn't finish him off as Sam returned to valliantly defeat it and drive it away. From there, the Hobbits would continue their journey toward Mount Doom.

Death is never certain, however, especially to a creature as wretched as Gollum. Somehow, he survived his fall and met the hobbits atop Mount Doom. There, he fought Frodo and Sam again. This time, he succeeded in reclaiming the Ring for himself, biting off Frodo's finger to get it. Clutching it in his grasp, Gollum once again held his "precious" close, the Ring remaining the only important thing in his awful life. This held true to Gollum's end, as Frodo threw him into the fires of the mountain. Gollum clutched the Ring and held it aloft as he perished in flames. In the end, he was the last to bear the Ring, so in that, Gollum did everything he set out to do.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Devious and clever at times, Gollum knows how to get two little hobbits into Mordor, which is more than we can say for the Fellowship.

POWER - 5: As small as he is, Gollum is vicious and an unrelenting fighter when the Ring is involved.

VILENESS - 7: Not even hobbit fingers can stop Gollum from getting the Ring.

SWAY - 6: Gollum was quite "tricksie" himself. By the end, he'd find a way to twist Frodo against Sam.

PURITY - 9: Gollum has been totally seduced by the Ring's power, but a little bit of Smeagol still remains.

PHYSICAL - 7: This creature has devolved over the years into one pathetic being.


Posted by Destro at 09:35 AM

November 26, 2003

Agent Smith

After having free reign over The Matrix, Agent Smith (Hugo Weaving) finally met his match in a savior also known as Mister Anderson (Keanu Reeves). The Matrix is a construct of our world created only to harvest human beings and their energy - essentially, to make batteries out of people. But a few humans were able to escape the hold of the elaborate computer program keeping them "asleep" from the real world. Before escaping, they had to get by the agents - counteractive programming, if you will - who were led by Smith.

Once awakened, humans were able to build up a resistance against the machines while also evening the odds against them back in the Matrix. No longer shackled by the chains of the harvesting machines, humans could check in and out of the Matrix, fighting agents and hoping to free more minds. One such mind was Neo, a.k.a. Mr. Anderson. He had the ability to move and fight like the agents, and for some reason, was able to destroy Agent Smith at one point. Or so he thought.

Smith became a rogue program, resurfacing in various spots all over the Matrix without being under the control of the machines. Just as Neo did, Smith began to learn that the boundaries of his programming could be broken and discovered new powers, including being able to clone himself, copying his self on top of another program, i.e. another person in the Matrix. This led to the frightening paradox of Smith finding himself in the real world, having taken control of a mind and sabatoging a rebel ship, leading to a showdown with Neo.

As his numbers grew, so did Smith's superiority complex. He already felt he was a supreme being, above humans and all other life forms, but his hold of the Matrix expanded once he took over the Oracle's program. With seemingly boundless knowledge and abilities, Smith once again found himself facing Neo, this time for control of the Matrix. In the end, the Smith program was terminated, obliterated by Neo and the machines in a rare union between humans and their sworn enemies. But we all know, if Smith rose before, he can certainly rise again.

INTELLIGENCE - 9: A natural leader, a shrewd strategist, and all-knowing inside the Matrix (thanks to the Oracle).

POWER - 10: In the Matrix, he's got powers like Superman. Merely breaking into the real world is the big accomplishment.

VILENESS - 7: Scores points for being part of a race that uses humans as fuel. Also doesn't care who gets in the way of his job.

SWAY - 7: An excellent intimidator, complemented nicely by his spooky devotion to perfect annunciation.

PURITY - 9: Consumed by his superiority over humans, he never believed a savior would come to snuff him out. Doh!

PHYSICAL - 5: Aside from the cool shades and the lack of color in his wardrobe, nothing about this guy is scary... except that he's everywhere!


Posted by Destro at 09:03 PM

November 07, 2003

Patrick Bateman

Patrick Bateman (Christian Bale) is not who you think he is. This Harvard-educated Wall Streeter with the perfect skin and 6-pack abs isn't even who he thinks he is. Inside that obsessively perfect exterior is a vacuum, empty space waiting to be filled by the next batch of impulses driving him forward. He identifies with excellence and perfection, and must achieve both. His methods for doing so, however, are far beyond questionable.

It's difficult to know when and where his bloodlust first emerged or, more importantly, took a firm hold. Perhaps it was the homeless man he happened upon in the alley. Bateman spoke to him about getting a job, wondering why he couldn't better himself, and summarily gutted him (and killed his dog). Maybe the two hookers he had sex with - while admiring himself in the mirror - and the subsequent brutal experiments on them marked his turning point. Or perhaps it was the axe he buried into the head of Wall Street rival Paul Allen (Jared Leto), the culmination of a rage incited by Allen's superior reputation, success, and business card.

The only recognizable glint of humanity - of a soul - seemed to emerge when he had his assistant Jean (Chloe Sevigny) over for cocktails one evening. He learned through conversation that she was optimistic, still interested in achieving things and bettering herself for herself, not for accolades or status. Bateman told her she should go before she got hurt, revealing for the first time a human side and a sense of empathy.

Patrick Bateman does outrageous things in a search for his true self; the mundane day-to-day activities of life simply aren't fulfilling enough. His life, to this point, has been nothing of note: he has a cushy job and a cushy life with a set of friends that he felt necessary to fit in with. However, Bateman wants to fit in and be the best at the same time, a frighteningly impossible paradox that quite possibly leads to his sexual and homicidal adventures, all in search of something to fill that vacuum inside. But applying deep-cleansing face masks, espousing on the hits of Huey Lewis and Phil Collins, and quoting the likes of Ed Gein and Ted Bundy just isn't working.

Ultimately, Bateman cracks under the pressure of trying to understand why he is driven to kill. Somewhere between twenty and forty people are slaughtered; Bateman has hallucinated so many times, he isn't sure what's real anymore. His "murder" of Paul Allen is even more enigmatic. Confessing his sins brings no judgment or resolution, and Bateman is left wondering again what his purpose is. There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman, a level of excellence that must be achieved, but apparently this phase of bloodlust has done nothing to reveal his true self. He still has no idea who he is.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: As a VP of a big firm on Wall Street, he's smart. As a killer, he may be just as clever.

POWER - 6: He is in excellent physical shape, obsessively so.

VILENESS - 10: Besides the murders he commits, his "experiments" with women are graphic and appalling.

SWAY - 6: His straightforward honesty is unsettling toward the people he despises, but he wilts under pressure.

PURITY - 8: If he had not told Jean to leave, he may have gone completely over the edge.

PHYSICAL - 5: He walks around looking fabulous, but becomes crazed under the strain of his madness.


Posted by Destro at 09:11 AM

October 20, 2003


Nobody in the world can go into a hardware store and not pass the power tools section without seeing a chainsaw and thinking of one thing: The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, one of the most controversial and bloodiest movies of all time. The movie has become as ubiquitous as its star character, Leatherface (Gunnar Hansen). Adorned with a stitched together mask made of the faces of his victims, he prowls the inside of his family home and waits for the next unlucky lost driver to stop by. Together with his deranged family, Leatherface and Co. are the clan from Hell.

In the original 1974 film, a young girl and her disabled brother are heading out to their grandfather's burial place because of the reports of vandals desecrating the area. Together with three other friends, they drive out, meet up with a crazy hitchhiker (who they soon drop off), and soon find their way out to the grandfather's deserted farm. From there, a path leads to the dark and mysterious home of that same hitchhiker, and Leatherface, who introduces himself to one of the nosy youths in a sudden and deadly manner. One by one, the other kids fall into the trap of entering the home and lose their lives, except for Sally, who manages to survive a surreal dinner with the family and finds her way back to the highway where she gets saved by a passer by.

In the new 2003 remake, the kids are on their way to a Skynard concert when the hitchhiker blows her head off, prompting them to call the sheriff (who is also a Leatherface family member), and before you know it, the chainsaw is being fired up. In this new version, a backstory for the 'Face is revealed: his real name is Thomas Hewitt, and a rare skin condition, never properly treated, has destroyed part of his face, leaving the young man alone and in the dark, away from the taunting and embarassment delivered by strangers. He wears a mask to hide his face, but it's made out of dead people, strangers he's killed who strayed too closely and had to die. And in his spare time, it kinda looks like he works at the meat packing plant across the street. (One incredible addition to the remake, by the way, is the crime scene investigation and what the cops discover.)

Regardless of the version you watch, Leatherface has stood the test of time and will continue to do so. Perhaps it's because he's a little more real than the nearly immortal likes of Freddy or Jason. Perhaps because his story is based on a true one. Or maybe it's the chainsaw, with the distinctive sound and inherent fear that comes with it. All totalled, he is relentless, demented, and the kind of boy next door that would send you running for the hills... just as long as those hills aren't in Travis County, Texas.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: He's a good boy. He's just misunderstood. VERY misunderstood.

POWER - 8: Appears to be stronger than the average man.

VILENESS - 10: So much blood... So much gore...

SWAY - 3: The chainsaw does all the talkin'.

PURITY - 9: Albeit completely insane, deep down he is a human being and feels pain, unlike what Freddy Krueger and Michael Myers have become.

PHYSICAL - 10: With the macabre face he wears, he's the neighborhood butcher from Hell.


Posted by Destro at 10:00 AM

September 30, 2003


In The Rundown, an American named Hatcher (Christopher Walken) has taken over an area of the Amazon jungle in the middle of Brazil to dig for gold, and more importantly, the hiding place of a priceless artifact that a "fortune hunter" named Travis (Seann William Scott) has supposedly found. All the while, Hatcher claims to be the salvation of the people of El Dorado, bringing them into the civilized world by building their "city" in the middle of the jungle. If charging people for the shovels they dig with is fair, and a dozen shacks equals a city, perhaps he's okay after all.

One man who knows Hatcher is all wrong right from the get-go is "retrieval expert" Beck (The Rock), a bounty hunter hired to come to South America to bring home Travis. Hatcher forces Beck to pay a kickback to allow him to let Travis leave, but as soon as he decides the time is right, doublecrosses Beck, telling him Travis will never leave, at least, not until the Gato del Diablo artifact is in his own hands. Beck fights Hatcher's boys and runs off with Travis into the jungle, and the chase is on.

Hatcher greatest (or worst) quality has to be his arrogance. While working the people of El Dorado to early graves, he casually wears shimmering gold chains around his neck. While the rebels, hoping to drive Hatcher out of town, hide in the jungle, Hatcher sends his gang in clean house, finding Beck and Travis in the process. While his boys do the dirty work, Hatcher still finds time to get his trigger finger dirty too. Eventually, he does end up with the Gato in his hands, but has to fight off Beck not only to regain control of it, but to survive as well. In the end, the townspeople get exactly what they want, and Beck delivers on all of his promises. That's certainly something Hatcher never did.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Hatcher is a shrewd capitalist who has found his own isolated niche in the jungle.

POWER - 4: Can handle a gun, but is a bit too old to get involved in the fisticuffs personally.

VILENESS - 8: Doesn't fight fair, makes deals he has no intention of honoring, and patronizes everybody.

SWAY - 8: Uses intimidation and his off-kilter delivery (pure Walken) to keep foes off balance.

PURITY - 7: Hatcher is extremely possessive of the town, the jungle, and everything else there, but in the end, he knows his limits.

PHYSICAL - 3: As Roger Ebert notes, villains often wear the titled hat. Indeed.


Posted by Destro at 01:16 PM

September 22, 2003

Dale Massie

Taking a note from Cape Fear's Max Cady, Cold Creek Manor's Dale Massey (Stephen Dorff) is another disturbed country-fried freak intent on driving a nice little family nuts. In this case, the titular location is the former home of Massey and his now-missing family, and his father before him. Having grown up under the iron fist of an angry, strict dad, Dale has grown up into a repressed psycho, dishing out knuckle sandwiches to anyone daring to cross him. That includes his bartender, trailer-trash girlfriend (Juliette Lewis) or the Tilson family, who just moved from the big city into the Manor.

Cooper Tilson (Dennis Quaid) is a documentarian worried about the welfare of his kids; his wife Leah (Sharon Stone) agrees and they get out of New York City. They happen upon a sprawling mansion and its unkept lawns and buy it on the spot. The locals don't take kindly to strangers though, and watch over the Tilsons like vultures. Soon enough, the original lord of the manor returns - Massey - but instead of angrily staking his claim to the place, asks for a job fixing 'er up. The confused, glazed-over Cooper agrees.

This allows Dale to do his worst in an attempt to make the family move out. He plants snakes all over the house, moves in on Cooper's wife, and murders the family pony and leaves it floating in the swimming pool. All the while, the Tilson's only friend is the local sherrif, a young woman who just happens to be the sister of Dale's trashy girlfriend.

Through it all, Cooper works on uncovering the mystery surrounding the house. Dale's family is nowhere to be found except in the countless movies and pictures still inside. And there is the abandoned car in the woods. And, oh yeah, there's the giant hole with the dead bodies out there too. (Don't prospective buyers check out their land before moving in anymore?) Dale hopes to add the Tilsons bodies to the mix, but winds up dying inside the house he grew up in. Convenient, just like much of the movie.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Didn't exactly cover his tracks when it came to his prior offenses.

POWER - 6: Strong enough to be your friendly neighborhood handyman.

VILENESS - 8: Dropping dead horses and snakes around the house is his idea of dropping hints to the Tilsons.

SWAY - 5: Charismatic with the locals, but not with many others.

PURITY - 9: Killed his family. Killed his dad. Nobody's safe around this guy.

PHYSICAL - 4: Scruffy and mysterious, he can show off his physique for the ladies too.


Posted by Destro at 03:34 PM

August 27, 2003

Richard Bagg

Coolidge College has been the home of one legendary college student for nearly seven years. Campus party animal Van Wilder (Ryan Reynolds) holds interviews for his own personal assistant with waiting lines that put class registration to shame. He gives the basketball team pep talks and raises money for the swim team. And he even finds the time to help out guys like Sick Boy.

All of these facts mean very little, however, to campus kiss-ass and Delta Iota Kappa (D.I.K.) fraternity president Richard Bagg (Daniel Cosgrove), an aspiring med student and incredible asshole with a very hot girlfriend, Gwen Pearson (Tara Reid). Richard belittles his frat's pledges and generally acts like a tight-ass stiff whenever someone bothers him, but when it comes to Gwen, he's got all the time in the world. He's got plans for the two of them - very specific, goal-oriented, unwavering plans - and no one is going to mess them up for him. Cue Van Wilder.

Gwen is a reporter at the campus newspaper and her editor demands an expose on Wilder and his status as the campus' "party legend." The chemistry between Van and Gwen is unmistakable, and before you know it, Van's moving in on Richard's girl. Thus, Richard wants revenge: ruin Wilder's reputation, get him kicked off the campus, arrested... whatever will keep him from coming between him and Gwen. Nobody wants to lose Van, though, and they especially don't want Richard to win. With friends like Taj, his personal assistant, Hutch, his number one buddy, and Colossus, his extremely horny bulldog, Van Wilder emerges as The Big Man on Campus.

As for Richard, he endures some of the worst pranks ever caught on film. Van turning the tables and getting in good with Gwen's parents: well done. The medical school interview with the trash can: brilliant. But the, ahem, creme de la creme of Van Wilder & Company's maneuvers was easily The Eclair Incident. If you saw it, you'll never forget it, but if you haven't witnessed Richard and his frat cronies enjoying these delectable treats, you've missed The Biggest Gross Out Gag of the last decade. Not that that helps out Richard's ranking as a villain; it just gives him a little more cinematic staying power. You can thank Colossus for that.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: He is an aspiring doctor, so he's got some brains, but he's overmatched by Van and his plans.

POWER - 5: Looks like a jock but hardly raises a hand to anyone.

VILENESS - 5: He's a bully, no doubt, and makes a decent frat president, but unlike Colossus, he lacks serious balls.

SWAY - 4: Mostly, he whines and complains. He'll yell and try to scare his pledges, but then he whines again.

PURITY - 6: Richard is very driven but it's hard to stay on track with so many people undermining him at every turn.

PHYSICAL - 4: He's a serious weenie with a stick up his ass, but he's always got a scowl.


Posted by Destro at 12:06 AM

August 13, 2003

Freddy Krueger

Freddy Krueger (Robert Englund) was a disturbed young man who murdered small children, but after lawyers managed to get Krueger off on a technicality, the community of Elm Street rose up in anger. The parents on the street (including those of the murdered children) hunted down Krueger, set his house on fire, and burned him alive.

Because he was killed so violently, Freddy was unable to go to Hell, instead winding up in some nether region where he has been able to stay connected to the Elm Street families by entering their dreams. Attacking the children of Elm Street, Freddy has been able to exact some revenge for his own murder. By killing them in their dreams, the children die in real life. So, it would seem, if you can avoid falling asleep, you can avoid Freddy. It's just not that simple as we have seen in the Elm Street movies.

Freddy's appeal as a villain is universal because everyone has had a nightmare at one time in their life. To think a madman like this could crawl into your head and screw with you is terrifying; when he actually does it to the kids on Elm Street, it is. Part of his advantage in dream land, besides knowing how to manipulate it for his own use, is his signiture look. The hat, the striped sweater, and of course, the glove full of razor-sharp knives.

In the various sequels, Freddy's learned to embrace his sense of humor, torturing the children (and anyone in his way) in deliciously disgusting ways. In 2003, he will finally square off against another horror icon, Jason Voorhees, and perhaps we will discover who will win the long-awaited battle. However, I think we all know Freddy vs. Jason will merely be the Round 1 of a new fight. One can only imagine who else may get involved.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: From the cleverness of the original to the dumbness of the later flicks, it all averages out.

POWER - 8: His only drawback is that he hasn't figured out a way to kill people while they're AWAKE. In dreamland, he rules.

VILENESS - 10: Slicing, dicing, and exploding teenagers on ceilings, in beds - he's done it all and more.

SWAY - 9: Extremely intimidating, but also loves to turn on the charm.

PURITY - 8: A complete nutbag, he's been known to show occasional weakness.

PHYSICAL - 10: The glove is an immortal horror icon. Nothing creeps you out more than this guy in a dark alley.


Posted by Destro at 04:31 PM

Jason Voorhees

11-year old Jason Voorhees was attending summer camp when he presumably drowned in Crystal Lake. Mom blamed the camp counselors, but Jason's body was never found. He would return from his watery grave, however, to become one of the greatest figures in horror history. Jason would exact revenge on the same kind of campers and counselors who put him in danger, and his acts were ones of quiet rage and calculation. After ten films and over twenty years, the hockey mask has become an icon of blood-curdling terror.

Throughout the entire Friday the 13th series, Jason has offed over 100 people on screen with a vast array of fantastic devices. Consider this list of weapons used (which is by no means complete): icepick, barbed wire, straight razor, spear gun, cleaver, pitchfork, fire poker, surgical hacksaw, corkscrew, axe, broken bootle, tree branch, dart, tent spike, party horn, electric guitar, syringe, steam pipe, wrench, pencil, car door, deep frier, barbecue skewer, liquid nitrogen, and, of course, the machete. Yup... with versatility comes longevity.

As the years have passed, the movies and plots have become more jumbled and confusing, at times involving demonic possession and large leaps of logic (and in Jason X, a journey into space and the future). Now, in Freddy vs. Jason, he will finally match up against another horror icon, Freddy Krueger. After being manipulated by Freddy to kill some Elm Street residents, will Jason move aside for Freddy? My guess: not without a BIG fight.

After so many movie appearances, one thing remains true about Jason Voorhees: superstitious or not, everyone feels a slight twinge of uneasiness whenever Friday the 13th comes around. For that, you can thank the guy in the hockey mask.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Don't know about anything else, but the man does know knives (and all other manner of cutlery).

POWER - 9: Shows great strength and staying power.

VILENESS - 10: Like his slasher film counterparts, Jason's strength is slicing, dicing, and impaling.

SWAY - 5: Let's his mask and machete do all the talking.

PURITY - 10: Nothing stops this guy. Dumb dudes, hot chicks, and everyone in between are all prospective victims.

PHYSICAL - 8: The hockey mask is a horror icon, and as Jason gets rattier in every sequel, so does the face underneath.


Thanks to House of Horrors for helping me research this bio.

Posted by Destro at 11:54 AM

August 04, 2003

Jonathan Reiss

Very few world-renowned scientists are actually awarded for their evil deeds, but in the case of Dr. Jonathan Reiss (Ciarán Hinds), he got a Nobel Prize before he became a maniac. No matter, though; his work in toxicology was merely the tip of the iceberg as he's interested in discovering the most deadly plague ever released on the planet.

Here's the story: there's these ruins off the coast of Greece that hold an artifact that points the way to the Cradle of Life, a super-top-secret location (in Africa, by the way), where Pandora's Box is protected from the world. Reiss wants Pandora's Box so he can unleash the greatest plague ever known to mankind, wipe out a shitload of people, and take over the world. When it comes to finding artifacts and saving the world, however, what esteemed archeologist are ya gonna call? And if Indiana Jones is too old, who's next?

Superbabe Lara Croft (Angelina Jolie) is already on the case, you see, and with the help of shady hunk/old flame Terry Sheridan (Gerard Butler), she proceeds to kick ass, find stuff, and you know the rest. The point here is that Reiss does very little aside from supplying incredible knowledge along with the Nobel Prize money to fund this little expedition. (All in the name of science, eh?) He doesn't fight, he doesn't scare anybody... He could probably kick your ass in the Science section of Trivial Pursuit, but in the search for one of the most dangerous artifacts ever imagined, was there ever any doubt this guy was gonna buy it? Just like the pool of lava in the end, he's in over his head here.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: Wicked smart Nobel Prize-winning scientist. As a villain, he's also got some clever ideas.

POWER - 4: What did he hire all that help for? To let him do the fighting? I don't think so.

VILENESS - 7: He's honestly ready to annihilate possibly billions of people. His homemade Ebola virus is also a neat party trick.

SWAY - 5: He's a bit smarmy, but a little too weak to intimidate most. It helps with the gun in his hand.

PURITY - 6: He's all about the money and power: it's worth more than scientific recognition anyway.

PHYSICAL - 3: Nothing special about the doctor's appearance.


Posted by Destro at 09:35 AM

July 07, 2003

The Thin Man

Any villain with his/her own theme song scores extra points in my book. You know, Vader's got the Imperial March. I mean... that's bad ass. The Thin Man from Charlie's Angels: he's got a Proidgy song. Now that is cool.

There's actually not a lot about the Thin Man that isn't cool, to be exact. He's got the great wardrobe, always dressed to the nines. He's got some incredible physical skill, able to kick Angel ass in a single bound. And he never speaks, communicating only with the sternest of looks in the slowest slow-motion shots you've ever seen. And the man knows how to smoke a cigarette.

He is a sight to behold, indeed, and until Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle hit the theatres, he only had one problem: screen time. He had very memorable moments - The Fight in the alley, the racing car duel with my girl Cameron D., a brawl with Lucy Liu - but beyond those, he's barely in the first flick. In this respect, you really have to give some credit/blame to Sam Rockwell, turning his nerdy Eric Knox into a sex machine and stealing the show from everyone else, poor Crispin Glover included.

Now that the sequel has opened, we have learned more about the young boy who found himself in an orphanage after growing up in a circus. The Thin Man became a mercenary, paid to kick the ass of whomever his boss was trying to take down. However, when one of the targets was a young man from the same orphange that saved his life, he would take matters into his own hands (and feet). In the end, he would use his powers for good, all the while continuing his obsession with a certain Angel.

His origins have been exposed, his story has been deepened, his complexities have been revealed, and it all leads to one undeniable conclusion: villain or not, crazy is crazy. That's why The Thin Man belongs on this board.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: An experienced fighter with unpredictable moves.

POWER - 7: His fighting skills are pretty incredible, as is his ability to defy death.

VILENESS - 4: His methods are too straightforward to allow for any elaborate blood spilling.

SWAY - 6: This mute can disturb even the steadiest angel, even without a word.

PURITY - 7: An obsessed mercenary in the first movie, his loyalties became more personal (and good) in Full Throttle.

PHYSICAL - 6: Always looks cool and has a great theme song.


Posted by Destro at 11:05 AM

April 07, 2003

The Caller

The last operational Phone Booth in New York City - the last bastion of non-cellular telephonic devices - is ready for its final call. When the mysterious Caller (Kiefer Sutherland) dials that phone booth's number one afternoon and catches Stu Shepard (Colin Farrell) off guard, he sets into motion a flurry of chaotic events destined to lead to ruin.

Stu is no boy scout by any means, but is intelligent and quick on his feet. You'd have to be to end up a halfway-decent publicist like he is. But this call is unexpected, and the intentions of the Caller become apparent: he wants Stu to become a public spectacle through embarassment and ultimately death. The Caller delves into Stu's private life, which is the focal point of their conversation. He questions Stu's morality and marital devotion and demands compliance with all of his requests, many of which put him in mortal danger from hookers, bouncers, and police officers.

The Caller's strengths are numerous: he is well-prepared, careful, patient, and out of sight from the Good Guys. His choices of technology are well-suited and his choice of a target proves to be both worthy and entertaining. In essence, the Caller is much like a conscience or a voice of reason, but in this case, it's the aggressive militant kind. In another way, he's sort of like God, calling down from the heavens and demanding repentance. In the end, in a sense, Stu gets what he deserves, and the Caller may have saved a soul, but it certainly wasn't his own.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: The Caller is well-prepared and intelligent, and familiar with telephony and weaponry.

POWER - 6: A crack shot with a sniper rifle, he's willing to do battle from a distance only.

VILENESS - 9: Nobody's safe in the vicinity of his target - especially the target.

SWAY - 9: He's relentlessly intimidating, digging into you with sharp words and turning your own actions against you.

PURITY - 10: Once you become his target, he will never let you get away.

PHYSICAL - 1: The Caller's power is found on the other end of a phone, not in person.


Posted by Destro at 11:13 AM

April 02, 2003


During World War II, Erik Lehnsherr personally witnessed the murder of his parents by Nazis in Auschwitz. You can't blame him for wanting retribution, but the trauma sent him over the edge, exposing to others his strange "mastery of magnetism." He was branded a freak, but years later, Magneto (Ian McKellen) would find an opportunity to exact his revenge.

Just as the Germans persecuted the Jews in WWII, mutants have become outcasts in the present day. Humans fear the Brotherhood of Mutants because they do not understand them. However, Magneto and his gang of fellow mutants would begin to carry out a plan to eliminate discrimination once and for all: use a special machine to turn the entire world's population into mutants. While devising his plan, Magneto found a way to integrate two reluctant mutant newcomers into the mix: Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) and Rogue (Anna Paquin).

Professor X (Patrick Stewart) has tried to reason with Erik, promoting the hope that humans and mutants can live together, but Magneto believes war between them is inevitable. He will not wait for humans to decide what to do with mutants, whether it be by passing laws or establishing detention camps and initiating a modern-day mutant holocaust, opting instead to make the first move. Magneto will let nothing - human or mutant - stand in the way of his plans, but the X-Men intend to. Magneto's initial plans are thwarted, but he remains ever watchful for the opportunity to try again.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: Extremely clever, cunning, and patient strategist.

POWER - 10: His control over metals and magnetic forces is a difficult force to counter.

VILENESS - 6: There is a certain morality to what drives Magneto, but that doesn't excuse him from playing God or justify the means he uses.

SWAY - 6: Generally very calm and cool, Magneto has a smooth approach to getting his way.

PURITY - 9: Personal tragedy has compelled him to try and accomplish goals out of reach for the average baddie.

PHYSICAL - 5: He looks like an older man, but the costume (with a cool cape!) certainly helps him out.


Posted by Destro at 08:14 AM

February 19, 2003

Bill the Butcher

For many outside the United States, the shores of America represent opportunity and freedom. For William "Bill the Butcher" Cutting, seeing foreigners enter this land is right on par with cockroaches scurrying across your kitchen floor: they are unwelcome guests and ought to be exterminated by the rightful owner of the place. As a hardcore "Nativist," Cutting - portrayed by Daniel Day-Lewis in an Oscar nominated performance - controlled the Five Points section of New York with an iron fist, and personally led a number of New York's worst gangs into battle against their Irish counterparts, led by Priest Vallon (Liam Neeson). Fighting by the rules of the streets, the Priest would die and the Natives would win.

Every year on the anniversary of the battle, The Butcher would celebrate this victory and invite a select few. Many years later, the tradition would continue, and one mysterious young man would appear and hope for an invitation of his own. His name is Amsterdam (Leonardo DiCaprio) and he is the Preist's son, hell-bent on revenge. His plan is to get close to The Butcher and gain his trust, then kill him in front of everyone at the annual celebration. In the meantime, however, Amsterdam would begin to understand why so many support the Natives and their shrewd practices. In the streets, many things do not come easily, but they come easier when you're on the right side.

For Bill the Butcher, he was a businessman with political ties, and he was a merciless fighter and leader of his own giant gang. He did have some sense of honor and his growing admiration for Amsterdam would show his softer side. Indeed, Amsterdam's personal vendetta would become vastly more complicated. The Butcher is still the Butcher, though, and his viciousness is undeniable and unrelenting when challenged. In the end, Amsterdam's victory is somewhat hollow because of how deep the Butcher cut psychologically. For a young man who saw his father cut down when he was a boy, to kill the only other man to treat you like his son seems, well, foreign.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Clever and calculating, Bill had a knack with the scurviest thug and dirtiest politico.

POWER - 7: Combined with his vicious streak, his skills with knives often come in handy in the streets.

VILENESS - 8: His "Butcher" nickname didn't only come from his profession, and those fighting tactics weren't completely honorable.

SWAY - 8: Cutting often employed an intensity rarely matched.

PURITY - 8: He shows a softer side when Amsterdam comes along to provide him with the son he never had.

PHYSICAL - 6: Bushy moustache aside, the Butcher gets an extra point for the bald eagle in his fake eye.


Posted by Destro at 01:12 PM

October 31, 2002

Michael Myers

Happy Halloween. For so many cinematic trick-or-treaters, this holiday is no longer a happy time for eating goodies, either because they're dead or have been forever scarred by encountering a psychopath by the name of Michael Myers. On Halloween night 1963, six-year old Michael brutally murdered his older sister and ended up locked away in the county sanitarium for the next 15 years. On Halloween night 1978, Michael came home... and the rest is movie history.

Michael's primary targets would be found in his own family tree, his rage seemingly fueled by the abandonment for so many years. His sister Laurie Strode, Laurie's psychic daughter Jamie, and Laurie's son John were among subsequent targets. Myers' focus was always "dead on," but anyone - and we mean anyone - who got in the way got dead quickly, and usually in a creative and disgusting way. Getting impaled on something unnaturally was usually the grossest and most effective way to go.

However, no foe was quite as determined to rid the planet of Michael Myers as the legendary Dr. Sam Loomis (Donald Pleasence). Over a handful of sequels, the good doctor continued to pursue the dark legend, and he became more and more haunted as the bodies continued to pile up. After emptying six bullets into the body of Michael Myers in 1978 and watching him survive, Loomis would never ever give up until the very end.

Played in the original by the guy who directed The Last Starfighter (Nick Castle), The Shape's shoes are often filled by career stuntmen who enjoy taking an ass-kicking, absorbing various stabbings, electrocutions, gunshots, fire, windows, and other usually-fatal acts of mankind. His physical resilience is downright fascinating, and his obsession with revenge is neverending. It seems that no matter what you do, Michael Myers manages to survive... and prepares to return next Halloween.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Myers' plans are plain, simple, and usually effective. And he knows how to drive a car.

POWER - 9: Deceptively strong for a guy his size, and absolutely impervious to pain.

VILENESS - 10: Impaling and slashing people has rarely been done better, and with such silent contentment.

SWAY - 5: As a large mute psychopath, Myers can only intimidate non-vocally. Saves him from spouting bad puns, though: "What a cut-up! Ahah, get it?"

PURITY - 9: His obsession with murdering every last remote member of his family is admirable.

PHYSICAL - 5: While the albino Shatner mask is off-putting, most people don't get scared when they see The Shape, even up close.


Posted by Destro at 03:27 PM

October 09, 2002

Master Betty

He was known to many as Master Pain, but one day this evil villain from Kung Pow: Enter the Fist decided he wanted to be called something else: Betty. Obey his wishes and you will not have to suffer the wrath of his... umm, wrath... or something.

Master Pai-- err, Betty -- is a powerful fighter, intimidating and seemingly impervious to any attack. But he doesn't want to be disliked, though. In fact, he's quite witty, even with the dubbed voice provided by director Steve Oedekerk. Take this excerpt from the movie, for example:

I have been called bad before. Many have said I do things that are not correct to do. I don't believe in talk such as this. I am nice man, with happy feelings. All of the time. First, a joke. What do you get when you cross an owl with a bungee chord? My ass. Nyah, haha, haha, haha, ENOUGH!!

A commanding presence, to say the least. Master Betty has been terrorizing the townfolk for years, including killing the family of one little baby who grew up to be The Chosen One. In his quest for revenge, the Chosen One discovers Betty's secret to withstanding endless punches and kicks and ultimately defeats him. Evil can never be defeated forever, though, and one can only hope we will bear witness again to the villainy known as... Betty.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Arrogant and proud, Betty is a capable villain, even if he's not as diabolical as others before him.

POWER - 8: Betty's fighting skills are fair, but his secret powers give him amazing strength and invulnerability.

VILENESS - 7: He will kill anyone in his way. But he will also slice off their toes!

SWAY - 7: Betty uses a powerful stare - and strange voice - to intimidate opponents.

PURITY - 8: He is evil... EVIL! But he's not afraid to joke with the other bad guys sometimes.

PHYSICAL - 7: He is an imposing figure to say the least. His scalp looks like a razor accident though.


Posted by Destro at 12:15 PM

July 12, 2002


Serleena is an evil Kylothian monster intent on discovering the location of a great treasure on the planet Earth, but in reality she's more of a clever excuse to get a Hollywood hottie to strut around in lingerie. And while that's not a bad thing, Lara Flynn Boyle has little to do in Men in Black II other than fill the role of the Evil Villain rather than do anything too villainous.

Certainly, detroying our planet is bad news, but these days you really gotta be more believable with your threats. As a bad guy or gal, you have to put the fear of God (or some other deity) into the good guys to get results. Instead, Serleena simply fills the MiB headquarters with her overgrown serpentine fingers and takes the place hostage. Effective, yes, but scary? (You know, I wish Industrial Light & Magic would start turning down these kinda jobs. This SFX deluge is what it truly getting frightening in movies today.)

Serleena has precious few interesting qualities. Her shape-shifting and voice-mimicking skills are similar to the T-1000 of a decade ago. However, while we love seeing this Twin Peaks alum in a leather/bra ensemble, Boyle can't improve the character from its badly-written beginnings. Serleena is more like an overhyped bounty hunter than a mastermind, and her relatively simple demise - just point and shoot - reflect thats. It makes me miss the bugs from MiB1 even more.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: She follows a stright-forward plan. No surprises. Yawn.

POWER - 7: He shape-shifting makes fighting her tough, but if you shoot her enough, you're all set.

VILENESS - 5: She threatens to detroy Earth but does little else in the movie to instill fear.

SWAY - 5: Not terribly convincing... until she breaks out the snake-fingers, that is.

PURITY - 7: She really really wants that Light thingee. Like... really.

PHYSICAL - 9: Shape-shifting: very good. Shape-shifting into Lara Flynn Boyle: even better!


Posted by Destro at 01:11 PM

June 05, 2002

Mr. Feather

The Man's right-hand man knows a little bit about "black culture" since it's obvious he's having a hard time keeping it out of his own personality. Spouting off such phrases as "Y'all gonna make me lose my mind up in here!" simply enrages him further, especially since his archenemy is Undercover Brother, agent of the B.R.O.T.H.E.R.H.O.O.D. (Don't ask me what that stands for.)

Mr. Feather (Chris Kattan) carries two sleeve-hidden blades that would make Wolverine nod in approval. His fighting skills are good and his love of evil admirable. However, Feather is simply not strong enough to present a real threat to the likes of the funkified Undercover Brother, the most charismatic lover-and-a-fighter since Pootie Tang sined yo pitty on the runny kine. That's why when The Man wanted results, he brought in the big guns: White She-Devil (Denise Richards). Yup... Big guns.

Across the board, Feather lacks in too many Mofo categories, especially a true vile streak and physical size and strength. While Shang Tsung enjoyed sucking the souls out of his adversaries, Mr. Feather hopes to make "black people of all races" simply lose their soul. It's just not the same, and Mr. Feather's score on the Mofo Board certainly shows that.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: For a top lieutenant, he does far more complaining than actual plotting of evil.

POWER - 6: A skilled fighter but short on muscles (not to mention short in general).

VILENESS - 5: He touched Undercover Brother's 'fro? "Oh man, you gonna pay for that!"

SWAY - 6: Gets his way by screaming, not unlike a little girl. Does seem to work though.

PURITY - 6: Certainly evil, but he simply cannot contain his inner blackness. No diggity, no doubt.

PHYSICAL - 4: Dresses smoothly, but it's tough to be intimidated by a villain carrying a feather.


Posted by Destro at 03:43 PM

Walter Finch

This reclusive author of fictional crime novels was obviously successful enough that he could afford a summer home in Alaska. Perhaps he was too reclusive though, since he couldn't find a nice woman his own age. After exploring a relationship with a high-school student half his age, he killed her in a sudden rage.

Insomnia's Walter Finch (Robin Williams) is a very intelligent person but now the cops, led by visiting detective Will Dormer (Al Pacino), are on his trail. Lucky for him he witnesses an accident in which Dormer shoots his partner. With a bit of blackmail, Finch is soon able to manipulate Dormer into an uneasy alliance. Finch is smart enough to know, however, that he can't control Dormer forever, so he does his best to pin the murder on the victim's former boyfriend. Things begin to unravel when young Detective Ellie Burr (Hillary Swank) provides some of the missing pieces and clarifies other mistaken facts.

Finch is a smart, driven villain, determined to remain a free man using his intellect and knowledge of the police. The strongest part of his character, though, is his devotion to the idea that what he's done was, while a tragedy, just a simple accident. It wasn't meant to happen and he shouldn't be made to suffer while the victim's ex-boyfriend used to beat her and he gets no retribution. Villains who choose to be a judge, jury, and executioner on their own are often the most dangerous because of their unwielding sense of morals, whatever it may be. In the end, Walter Finch would receive his sentence in the unrelentingly icy Alaskan waters.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: Always a step ahead of Dormer and company. Must be all those crime novels he's written.

POWER - 5: Physically, he's no Schwarzenegger, so it's fortunate for him he's fighting Pacino.

VILENESS - 7: His brutal murder of his young high-school lover was just as twisted as his relationship with her.

SWAY - 8: His intelligence serves him well here; nearly convinced Dormer to willingly pin the crime on the wrong suspect.

PURITY - 9: Convinced the murder was an accident, he did everything he could to save his own behind.

PHYSICAL - 4: Looks pretty soft and cuddly, but still has a cold stern stare he likes to break out occasionally.


Posted by Destro at 02:55 PM

June 04, 2002

Alonzo Harris

L.A.P.D. Detective Sergeant Alonzo Harris (Denzel Washington) has sunk so deep into the depths of his line of work that he has corrupted himself to the point where his own life has become the target of a foolish debt to be repaid. And on this particular Training Day, Alonzo has just begun to mentor young Jake Hoyt (Ethan Hawke), a rookie cop who still possesses the ideals of every bright-eyed rookie police officer.

As Alonzo exposes Jake the the harshness of the streets where many a drug deal takes place, he also reveals his own questionable tactics in fighting the criminal element, whether that means intimidating the "animals" at will or misrepresenting themselves with fake search warrants. Alonzo also manipulates his new student, going so far as to hold a gun to his head to get him to smoke drugs, which turns out to be a clever blackmail device later on.

However, as the subsequent events begin to reveal his motivation (a large debt is owed to Russian gangsters by the end of the day), Jake's morals collide with Alonzo's master plan. With the exception of his girlfriend or son, neither friend nor foe will stand in his way, and this constant deception, distrust, and disrespect for others leads Alonzo to his downfall. At the end of the Day, honor indeed prevails and Alonzo gets what he deserves.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Had the right plan to dig himself out of debt but didn't count on Jake being so damn honorable.

POWER - 6: Can do his share of brawling but loves to hide behind that badge.

VILENESS - 7: Cared very little for his friends and even less for his foes. His son, on the other hand...

SWAY - 8: Used a lethal mix of charm and intimidation to get what he wanted from people, especially Jake.

PURITY - 8: With a heavy debt to pay and his life on the line, he forced himself to do whatever he could to survive.

PHYSICAL - 6: Alonzo feels right at home in standard Mofo gear: black leather.


Posted by Destro at 10:10 AM

Inspector Richard

Hailing from France, Tcheky Karyo is always dependable when it comes to portraying slimy villains, especially in American movies where a guy with an accent is immediately suspect. Karyo is downright ruthless in his performance in Kiss of the Dragon, playing Inspector Richard, the main baddie behind the conspiracy to murder a high-ranking Chinese official. Caught in the middle are one of China's most-decorated detectives, Liu Jian (Jet Li), and an American prostitute, Jessica (Bridget Fonda), being held in France by Richard.

While Richard is older, he doesn't mind getting his hands dirty, like in the first moment when we meet him beating the snot out of a guy in the hotel kitchen or later pulling the trigger on the intended target upstairs. However, he prefers to stand back while his martial-arts-trained killers do the work for him. Hey, wouldn't you with Jet Li trying to take you down?

The Inspector would be a run-of-the-mill top movie cop but Richard earns extra points for his twisted way of holding onto his current flame, Jessica. By continually forcing this prostitute to shoot up with heroin and holding her daughter hostage in a nearby orphanage, Richard is a bit more colorful than your average movie asshole. By crossing that line, he got what he deserved when Jet gave him the Kiss of the Dragon in the end.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Had a clever plan to pin the murder on Liu Jian, but once things fell apart, he lost control.

POWER - 5: Relied mainly on the physical abilities of his gang to do the dirty work until he could take a free shot of his own.

VILENESS - 8: Kept Jessica strung out - and her daughter locked away - while running his operations with a ruthless hand.

SWAY - 8: Enjoyed intimidating others and shouting, but wasn't quite as convincing lying to the Chinese government.

PURITY - 8: Anyone who uses women and children is beyond caring. Ditto for any unfortunate civilian (or inept gang member) in his way.

PHYSICAL - 4: An older mofo who just stuck to suits most of the time. He may be bad, but he looks good.


Posted by Destro at 09:28 AM

May 30, 2002


Sometimes, sons to not live up to their father's expectations. Then again, when sons kill their fathers, that usually doesn't make a good impression with dear old dad. This definitely sets Commodus apart from many other villains, right off the bat.

This smarmy bastard not only had a taste for destruction (he brought the vile gladiator fights back to the Coliseum), but nearly had a taste of his sister as well. He cheated, lied, and made people's skin crawl, but his jealousy for the great General-turned-Gladiator Maximus (Russell Crowe) - and his sister's desire for the same man - drove Commodus to new heights of mental instability, eventually leading to his downfall.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: He was educated but incredibly naive. Not much of a leader, like his advisory Maximus.

POWER - 5: Not particularly strong or athletically skilled. Another department where he was put to shame by the General.

VILENESS - 10: He killed his own father, destroyed Maximus' family, and then there was this moment: "Lay with me, sister."

SWAY - 6: Zero charisma, but pretty intimidating when he had to be. Just ask his sister.

PURITY - 10: Driven more insanely jealous with every move Maximus made, he was completely gone by the third act.

PHYSICAL - 3: Born with a silver spoon, he never needed to work out and it shows.


Posted by Destro at 04:33 PM

May 29, 2002

Jacobim Mugatu

Fashion designers are a dime-a-dozen, but successful ones are a rare breed. So too are successful villains, and the combination of the two - found in the form of Zoolander's Jacobim Mugatu - is just as rare as the 'do on his devious head.

For the man who unleashed the Piano Necktie onto an unsuspecting planet, using male models to assassinate world leaders to further immoral business practices is quite a step up in supporting his brand of evil. But leave it to Jacobim Mugatu (not his real name) to find a way to make it happen.

Enter Derek Zoolander, a male model nearing the end of his successful runway at the top. Mugatu makes him his next unwilling operative and sends him out to take down the Prime Minster of Malaysia. After teaming up with a rival pretty boy and a nosy reporter (aren't they all?), Zoolander takes down Mugatu instead, corset and all.

Against the likes of Vader or Hannibal Lecter, poor Mugatu would've found himself quite overmatched (and overdressed). However, for a Mofo in the high-class, high-style, A-list world, he fit in nicely while sticking out at the same time.

INTELLIGENCE - 7: Mugatu has been executing his own devious and ingenious plans for years using male model assassins.

POWER - 4: He knows how to throw a lethal ninja star. Beyond that, his physical activity is limited to holding his poodle.

VILENESS - 6: Not only does he want to kill the Malasian prime minister, but he wants to do it to keep his child labor plan intact.

SWAY - 7: His power in the fashion industry makes him an imposing presence. (And I think he wears platforms, too.)

PURITY - 8: Willing to go to great lengths to keep his business intact, Mugatu never gives up even in the face of stupidity.

PHYSICAL - 2: Eccentric is not the word. The only term I can think of to explain his physical appearance is "fashion victim."


Posted by Destro at 05:15 PM

May 28, 2002

Gabriel Yulaw

Many mofos are known for their destructive mental powers rather than their physical ones. Gabriel Yulaw, on the other hand, is about as physically scary as one villain can get. The only thing scarier in The One is to know that there's an exact copy of himself - physical skills and all - out there too. Good thing that Jet Li is a good guy.

To think that a villain can outrun bullets, beat up an entire SWAT team, and tie your shoes together before you finish reading this sentence is unnerving, to say the least. How can a human being be this powerful? By traveling to parallel dimensions and killing other versions of himself, one can absorb some of their power. "Simply" put, the more Jet Li's Jet Li kills, the more powerful Jet Li becomes. And when we join The One already in progress, there's only one more Jet Li to go. By following this plan, Yulaw hopes to become "The One," or (theoretically) assume god-like status amongst the human race. Then again, he could destroy space-time in the process, but it's a chance he's willing to take.

So far, as a human, he's become far more powerful than anyone could have imagined. For a villain, however, he's lacking a few skills that many of his predecessors have utilized. For one thing, every time he jumps into an alternate dimension, he's already there, so the chances of him making new allies or partnerships is low. So, you might guess that he often poses as the native version of himself to throw everyone else off his scent and find himself easier. Nope. He does a lot of hiding, staying to himself, and executes a similar plan of action every time. Well, I guess it's worked in the past... until now.

The logic behind much of The One is a bit ridiculous and not well explained, but for Yulaw, his ultimate fate doesn't seem all that bad. He still gets to kick ass... in a penal colony.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Yulaw acts like a simple hunter - not even an assassin - showing little creativity or resourcefulness.

POWER - 10: At the height of his power, Yulaw is frighteningly strong and fast: superhuman, equaled only by himself.

VILENESS - 7: Kills others quickly rather than creatively, but either way, he shows no regard for his fellow man.

SWAY - 4: Yulaw is independent, seeing little need for allies. His poor grasp of English doesn't help either.

PURITY - 10: Driven by his quest for personal power, the galactic consequences of his actions don't concern him.

PHYSICAL - 4: His short stature is nothing special, and his ass-kickings happen so fast, no one has a chance to get scared.


Posted by Destro at 04:45 PM

May 21, 2002

Jimmy Bones

Back in 1979, Jimmy Bones (Snoop Dogg) was a powerful leader and friend to the citizens of his inner-city community, but the money and influence he possessed led to his murder. Double-crossed by some of his own, Bones' death would be mourned for years by his lady, Pearl (Pam Grier), who later give birth to a daughter... Bones' daughter.

Years later, Bones' old digs have been abandoned, but a group of suburban youths have coincidentally taken an interest in the place, looking to turn it into a dance club. No sooner do they start fixing things when the spirit of Jimmy Bones returns to life to start breaking them. Bent on revenge against those who betrayed him, Bones won't rest until the rights have been wronged.

Which may be the one reason Jimmy Bones is one of those few tragic Mofos here on the board. Bones was a good man until the jealousy of others got him killed, and now he's looking to return the favor. Some of these innocent kids - including that daughter of his - might get in the way, but the motivation behind Bones' ressurection seems downright righteous. A complex Mofo, indeed.

INTELLIGENCE - 5: Jimmy Bones probably had some business savvy, but has an average villain intellect.

POWER - 7: Shows decent supernatural power at times, even though the reasons he has them are kinda fuzzy.

VILENESS - 7: Those who deserve the revenge get it good. Anyone else in the way should watch out.

SWAY - 5: Formerly a smooth operator, Jimmy Bones is stuck with hammy catch-phrases in his afterlife.

PURITY - 7: His quest for revenge is strong, but he loses focus when his love for Pearl emerges.

PHYSICAL - 8: Black leather, a sense of style, and sticks to the shadows. Right on, brutha.


Posted by Destro at 12:30 PM

General Thade

Descended from the first ape to step foot on the Planet of the Apes, General Thade has risen to his position thanks to his regal bloodline. That's probably a good thing for him since his violent mood swings might have gotten him killed by now. As the military leader, he intimidates all who he encounters, even the women and children.

Things begin to get *cough* hairy when an astronaut (Mark Wahlberg) crash lands on the surface and helps spark a resistance amongst the population. Thade deals with this hairless ape the way he does everyone else: by incessantly snarling at him. When that fails, Thade decides to use his physical ape abilities to easily jump higher and attack faster than his adversaries. He may not be a great military leader mentally, but the troops have to love a general who does his own fighting.

Ultimately, Thade's thirst for power would lead him to make mistakes an alienate others. Then again, perhaps he wins in the end. I don't know... if anyone can make sense of the ending of the movie, let me know. *grin*

INTELLIGENCE - 5: He may have been in command of the armies, but he was no orangutan.

POWER - 8: Excellent strength and agility, easily superior to a normal human.

VILENESS - 7: Another leader who didn't mind killing off his own troops to get his way.

SWAY - 8: Able to intimidate everyone on the planet, but often gets carried away by his desires.

PURITY - 9: Thade's over-the-top addiction to power gives him his highest score here.

PHYSICAL - 6: His shortness of stature knocks down the points from his permanent snarl.


Posted by Destro at 11:55 AM

May 16, 2002

Max Schreck

Visionary director F.W. Murnau (John Malkovich) decided that the only way to do a vampire movie justice would be to have a real vampire play the lead. Ladies and gentlemen, Max Schreck.

This unknown from the shadows ascended to take the role of Count Orlak in Nosferatu, Murnau's own version of a blood-sucker movie (since he wasn't allowed to make Dracula). For the sake of realism and - supposedly - to satisfy the "actor's demands," Murnau stated that the mysterious Max Schreck would shoot his scenes only at night and would remain in character at all times.

Indeed, Schreck creeped out the entire cast and crew, including the camera man who went mad. That was, of course, because he was a real vampire. The production limped toward completion anyway, with Murnau riding everyone to their doom, including Greta - making the ultimate actress' sacrifice - and Schreck himself, who like every actor, ended up getting used by the director. Ultimately, Schreck was just another actor who played the part he was hired to play, and when the movie was over, he was simply left in the dust.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: His plans to seduce Greta were simple but certainly not fool-proof.

POWER - 6: Vampires are notoriously strong, but this old, frail vampire only possessed above-average human strength.

VILENESS - 7: Besides sucking the blood out of his victims, he also gave everyone the willies.

SWAY - 4: Schreck's weakest point was conversing with others. It's no wonder he let his stares and glares do all the talking for him.

PURITY - 9: His obsession with Greta was tireless, but it consumed him and led to his downfall.

PHYSICAL - 10: Forget a dark alley - you wouldn't want to run into this guy anywhere!


Posted by Destro at 12:20 AM

May 15, 2002

Green Goblin

Norman Orborn was just another highly-successful scientist looking to push the envelope and create the Next Big Thing for the government to eventually take over and control as their own. Through genetic testing and using himself as a guinea pig, Osborn ended up creating the Next Bad Thing instead: The Green Goblin.

As the Goblin, Osborn sought revenge on the company executives who forced him out of power, and one person got in the way: Spider-Man. The web-slinging hero was still getting used to his insect legs when the Goblin began attacking the city, and the two traded blows on multiple occasions, eventually ending up in battles inside a burning building and on top of a bridge with the fates of innocents - including the lovely Mary Jane Watson - hanging in the balance.

In the end, the Goblin's technological and physical advances were beaten by the side-effects of the radioactive bite young Peter Parker received on his hand. And the Goblin can be considered another villain who was done in by his over-reliance on technology, seeing how he was impaled by his Official Goblin Surfboard. But one has to wonder if we've seen the last of the Goblin because you never know: that Green mask may run in the family.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: An accomplished scientist, but not smart enough to make his experiments actually work successfully.

POWER - 8: His super-human strength provides a great challenge for the web-slinger.

VILENESS - 7: Attacked random innocents but only really went after key opponents. Bonus points for evaporating some of them.

SWAY - 5: He certainly knew how to whine like a villain ("We'll meet again, Spider-Man!"), but it wasn't really effective.

PURITY - 9: His darker side controlled the sympathetic, friendly father buried inside. Soon it was difficult to tell the Goblin from Osborn.

PHYSICAL - 6: That outfit's a bit goofy. Had his mouth actually moved when he spoke, that would've helped.


Posted by Destro at 11:14 PM

May 02, 2002


As the King, you demand the respect and allegiance of your People. However, the People have always found a way to speak their collective mind and, in some cases, proclaim one of their own as a Champion. And thus, the "People's Champion" will challenge the monarch for control of the nation. And, so, if you couldn't smell that intro a mile away, yes, the People's Champion of the WWF, The Rock, takes on the evil ruler, Memnon, in The Scorpion King in an attempt to free his People.

While he's not the usual musclebound foe that The Rock fights in the WWF, Memnon is somewhat trapped between being a strategic thinker and a weak intimidator. He relies on the powers of his Sorceress, Casandra (Kelly Hu), to do most of the heavy mental lifting for him, but does his fair share of pushing people around with his regal power. His one great skill, however, is that he is a master swordsman, and the reputation certainly allows him to get his way.

When Mathayus (The Rock) arrives on the scene, it would have to be hard for Memnon not to feel threatened, even if this rebel wasn't out for revenge for his brother's death: he's better-looking, stronger, bigger, and has a much better haircut than the current ruler. Memnon has his army of warriors to do his dirty work and protect him, but as the fight between the two men becomes more personal and dire, the will of the People and its Champion would overcome. Memnon is certainly no slouch, but then again, no one's been comparing him to the likes of Conan the Barbarian.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Smart enough to rule, but far too reliant on the powers of his sorceress.

POWER - 7: A highly-skilled sword fighter, but not as physically powerful as most of his army.

VILENESS - 8: Every so often, he'll kill off one of his own to prove his intentions.

SWAY - 7: A strong personality, but it whithers without his sorceress or army's support.

PURITY - 7: His focus is to remain ruler of the kingdom, no matter who he has to kill.

PHYSICAL - 6: Seems shorter than the average mofo. And I can't imagine that 'do was ever fashionable.


Posted by Destro at 04:11 PM

March 28, 2002

Dr. Evil

Few mofos are quite as eccentric as Dr. Evil, a man who sported meat helmets and a clean-shaven scrotum as a child. However, with talk of shorn scroti, you know his score isn't gonna be very good.

The Doctor has gone to great lengths to try and take over the world and thwart the plan-foiling exploits of his nemesis, superstar superspy Austin Powers. Yet, in between laser-beam experiments and holding the world hostage for One Million Dollars, Dr. Evil has his own problems, ranging from the lack of respect he seems to always get or trying to win the affections of his own son, Scott. That, and that possessed chair of his.

He indeed has loyal people on his side - Number Two, Mini-Me, the dude with the Lucky Charms, that old Nazi chick he has the hots for - but Dr. Evil lacks the focus and the luck to be a truly bad bad guy. Until then, he will simply be a frickin' imitation of your run-of-the-mill Bond supervillain, just funnier.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: Very clever mofo who has cheated time and death with ingenious inventions.

POWER - 2: As much physical prowess as a hot pocket... an Eggo... or Mr. Bigglesworth.

VILENESS - 7: Will resort to cruel punishment to make an example out of those who oppose him, including doing the Macarena.

SWAY - 3: Constantly shown up by his wiseacre son and hungry miniature twin.

PURITY - 9: Driven by greed and revenge, the good doctor rarely gives up even when the odds are against him.

PHYSICAL - 3: Frightening... in a fashion sense sorta way.


Posted by Destro at 04:30 PM


Regardless of whether it was the mindless loner in James Cameron's original or the cyborg who learned catch phrases in the sequel, The Terminator had a job to do and nothing was about to get in its way.

In The Terminator, it hunted down Sarah Connor, a seemingly-unimportant waitress and fashion victim of the 80s. It killed extras at will and took out an entire police station filled with That Guys like Lance Henriksen and Paul Winfield. In Terminator 2: Judgment Day, it was sent back to protect Sarah's son, John, from a newer model terminator.

In the first movie, we see how deadly this machine can be. Ruthless and determined, it came within a pneumatic press of completing its mission. In the following movie, we got to see that it could learn and adapt to become more human and blend in better. In either case, The Terminator will never quit. In this case, being programmed is quite like being insane: either way, right or wrong, there's no way you can go against the inner workings of your brain... or CPU.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: It has "detailed files" on the subjects, but not much about how to act in public or blend in.

POWER - 9: Super-human strength. Very efficient killer, thanks to its study of the human anatomy.

VILENESS - 8: Will do anything to complete its mission, including offing anyone in its way: bar patrons, cops, punks, anyone.

SWAY - 3: Not charismatic at all. Later models should learn not to start their missions completely naked.

PURITY - 10: Programmed to complete a mission without question. There's NO way whatsoever to talk it out of doing its job.

PHYSICAL - 8: Bad-ass look. Very intimidating. However, once he starts to get hacked up, he can't pass well for a human.


Posted by Destro at 03:30 PM

March 14, 2002

Fernand Mondego

The sand in the hourglass of Fernand Mondego's friendship with Edmond Dantes (Jim Caviezel) began to run out quickly once Mondego (Guy Pierce) set his sights on Dantes' beautiful fiance, Mercedes. One convincing setup later, Dantes was being carted off to his new permanent residence: the hallowed Chateau D'If. Mondego slid into place and whisked the distraught Mercedes off to be married and start a new life devoid of the memory of Edmond Dantes.

And once he has "the prize" of his deception as his bride, what does he do? Mondego engages in affairs with multiple mistresses and ignores Mercedes, leaving her to raise their son. This slimy and unsavory "gentleman" gets his though when Dantes miraculously returns to exact his revenge. This is easy to get too because Mondego is pretty pathetic when the pressure is applied. His riches, power, and influence evaporate quickly, revealing the shallow, uncaring man he really is. Two things cannot be taken away so easily, however: his power of deception and skill with the sword. He uses both in the end to try to win the day, but his passion was not nearly as great as Edmond Dantes.

INTELLIGENCE - 6: Devised a simple but clever plan to rid himself of Edmond. His business skills were simply average.

POWER - 7: His swordfighting skills were excellent and he knew how to use a gun.

VILENESS - 7: An extremely cold person. His deception of Edmond to steal Mercedes was quite unforgivable.

SWAY - 5: A great liar, but his influence over others was weak when put to the test.

PURITY - 9: His greed is incredible; he sought out more riches, power, and women than he deserved.

PHYSICAL - 4: Aside from the permanent smirk on his face, Fernand is pretty average.


Posted by Destro at 10:21 AM

March 12, 2002

Hannibal Lecter

The good doctor wasn't famous for his mind or his taste in food, but rather for the combination of both. How could a man so brilliant be so blatantly evil? If we could answer that question, Sir Anthony Hopkins may not have won the Oscar for his portrayal of Clarice Starling's buddy in the cage. Dr. Lecter buries the needle on the Mofo-Meter in a number of categories, ranking him as one of the craziest Crazy Mofos in movie history.

His acts of cruelty from The Silence of the Lambs rank right up there with some of the worst ever. A sample: cutting the face of a guard and wearing it as a disguise during an escape. He has absolutely no remorse while slicing and dicing his victims and his taste for vengeance seems to be unending. Meanwhile, in Hannibal, the doc displayed his love for carnage all over the world. And the climactic scene with Starling (Julianne Moore) and Krendler (Ray Liotta) is about as surreal and disturbing as you will ever see on the big screen.

As a good measure, think about some of the villains you think you might be able to take on and this should explain why certain Mofos score higher than others. The question here is: would you ever want to go up against Lecter, with the possibility he may eat your face at any given moment? I'll take my chances with someone else any day.

INTELLIGENCE - 10: An absolute genius. His mind is often sharper than the knives he uses to dine on people with.

POWER - 7: Deceptive strength for a man his age. Good stamina and dexterity, and he always remains incredibly calm, even during a struggle.

VILENESS - 10: Where to begin? He kills people. He eats people. And there's no end in sight for his tastes.

SWAY - 10: His genius allows him to control conversations and influence even the steadiest individuals.

PURITY - 10: The Doctor passed the point of no return long ago. He is a severe danger to society.

PHYSICAL - 6: Besides his occasional disguises, Hannibal employs one fantastic stare.


Posted by Destro at 10:15 AM

March 11, 2002


You've heard of the "reluctant hero," yes? Someone who is pulled into a situation unwillingly by the actions of others to do good. Well, I think I've finally found a reluctant villain, and in this case, I'm not sure whether to feel worse for the Uber-Morlock, who comes off like an unfortunate martyr, or Jeremy Irons for being in The Time Machine in the first place.

With his Thunderdome-like wardrobe, you'd expect this telepathic leader of one race of futuristic humans to be a bad ass. With his sunstroked albino skin and hair, you might think him to be a freak of nature. However, when he speaks, the Uber-Morlock quickly establishes himself as quite possibly the most logical being on the planet.

Eight hundred thousand years from now, humans will have split into two distinct races, and the Morlocks will be hunting down their Eloi brethren for food. Such will be the course of nature. This is spelled out quite nicely by the Uber-Morlock in the climactic meeting with the time traveller, but no matter that Alexander Hardtagen is a man 800,000 years out of time... he must fight for freedom! *wince*

The Uber-Morlock is actually forced to whoop Hardtagen's ass because this man from the past decides to change things before he goes back. That's right, because changing things in the future before you go back to the past matters somehow? *sigh* Anyway, the Uber-Morlock meets a grizzly time-lapse death thanks to the time machine, but in the end, it seems like such a waste. With the look, wardrobe, mental powers, and acting ability of Jeremy Irons behind it, this villain deserved a hero worth fighting against rather than a pest from the past.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: Very knowledgable about his own time, quite logical, and can somehow speak English.

POWER - 6: He may not be one of his race's hunters, but he can still whoop an ass... as long as he stays underground.

VILENESS - 7: All he wants to do is eat... other humans. Gah!

SWAY - 8: He can control the minds of his race's hunters and affect those of his prey.

PURITY - 2: The weakest point. When he eats his "food," is this guy really evil or just following nature's course? And he was even going to let the Time Traveller go home in the end.

PHYSICAL - 9: Incredibly frightening appearance. The spikes on the back are especially nasty, but that 'do will never be in style. Ever.


Posted by Destro at 01:03 PM

March 05, 2002


The Psychlos are harvesting Earth for slave labor and they decided to put this guy in charge of the operation. Whoa.

Many people drew comparisons between how dumb the movie was, how dumb the character was, and how dumb John Travolta must have been to make this movie. However, my point of view is simple: once you accept the fact that Terl is a complete dumbass, you'll enjoy the movie a little more. Not a lot, but it will help. Look for this guy to hang out at the bottom of the ratings for a while, because he is one Crazy Mofo who couldn't beat a cold if he had to.

INTELLIGENCE - 4: Let's start off with this guy's weak spot... besides the dreadlocks. Not bright at all - minimal understanding of his job and no clue what the humans are capable of.

POWER - 6: Definitely bigger than the average center on a basketball team, but he's a pretty hands off guy.

VILENESS - 6: Will resort to killing his own for profit or to set an example for others. There is an evil streak there.

SWAY - 5: Too hammy to be taken seriously. He gets NO respect from his own kind even though the humans fear him.

PURITY - 6: Extremely selfish and greedy. Doesn't trust anyone, which is a helpful asset at times.

PHYSICAL - 7: He does have one great look for a villain - pretty frightening. Minus a few points for the 'do, though.


Posted by Destro at 02:41 PM