April 10, 2002
All you really need to know about this Mofo comes from the mouth of its last victim, captain of the Orca, the beloved scurvy sea-hermit Quint. He'll tell you about how the fish is either "very smart or very dumb" knowing in the back of his mind that the former means he's in for a long day of fishing, but that the latter would've gotten itself caught days before.
He'll tell you that a Great White Shark like the one in Jaws will swim around with their giant black eyes, like a "doll's eyes," until they attack. And he'll show you his scars from attacks from his years of encounters and relate his terror after the USS Indianapolis sank in shark-laden waters during World War II, knowing full well that those guppies paled in comparison to the rogue Chief Roy Scheider has been dispatched to drive out of town.
But this "eating machine" is unlike any shark that Quint or any other inhabitant of Amity has had the displeasure to meet. It's bigger, smarter, more vicious, and more deadly. It's threatening not only the welfare of the tourist industry of this small New England town around the Fourth of July, but the lives of its people as well.
One canister of oxygen and a lucky shot later, our mechanical beast lovingly known as "Bruce" is no more. But his presence will forever be felt in Hollywood and at beaches nationwide forever.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: Shows originality by surprising boat-lovers and jumping into and capsizing their vessels. Beats ramming them.
POWER - 10: This eating machine is virtually unstoppable when it comes to enemies in the form of humans or boats.
VILENESS - 7: Men, women, and children: beware! He doesn't care what you are or how many pieces of you he leaves behind.
SWAY - 1: It's a big fish with big teeth and a big appetite: it ain't foolin' anybody.
PURITY - 7: Just doing what nature tells him? Yes, and more. Seems to want to eat and destroy more than the usual shark.
PHYSICAL - 10: There is nothing scarier in the water, not even if Rosie O'Donnell jumped in... naked... on fire.
Posted by Destro at April 10, 2002 10:59 AM