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November 06, 2002

Jean-Baptiste Zorg

Mofos come in all shapes and sizes, and seemingly from all walks of life. But the most fascinating ones, in my opinion, are the businessmen (and women) who bring chaos to the cinematic universe, all in the name of the almighty dollar. Being a businessman like Jean-Baptiste Zorg (Gary Oldman) is crucual for gaining power, wealth, and respect. And in The Fifth Element, Zorg is preparing to pull off his most important business deal in history: acquire a set of sacred stones for a highly-secretive buyer, known only as Mr. Shadow. After hiring some Mangalore thugs to do the job for him - and watching them fail - Zorg realizes that if you want something done... well, you know the rest.

Off to Fhloston Paradise he goes with devious plans in mind (and his new ZF-1 blaster in hand). To a man like Zorg, time is not only money, it is life itself. Working under ultimately fatal conditions, Zorg does his damnedest to extract the stones from the Titanic-like cruise liner, but before you can say "Leeloo Dallas Multipass," they slip through his fingers and a giant karma bomb pretty much does the rest for Jean-Baptiste Zorg. Just goes to show you that just because you own the company that supplies military weapons, you shouldn't necessarily be the one to use them.

Zorg, a futuristic cross between Jean-Paul Gaultier and H. Ross Perot, is downright frightening from a fashion standpoint. Perhaps just as astounding though is his confidence in his own business practices. Witness the deal between Zorg and the mercenary band of aliens: "Four stones? Four crates. ZERO STONES? ZERO CRATES!" Even while under duress, Zorg remains a crafty negotiator; as for his dealings with Mr. Shadow, however, Zorg was clearly in over his head.

INTELLIGENCE - 8: A crafty businessman with some fairly devious plans up his sleeve.

POWER - 5: Zorg's one of the smaller mofos out there, but he's not afraid to get his hands dirty.

VILENESS - 7: The morals pretty much go out the door when money - and his own life - hangs in the balance.

SWAY - 6: Not afraid to raise his voice, even against mercanaries twice his size.

PURITY - 8: Will hire the dirtiest players in the game and personally kill civilians.

PHYSICAL - 4: The Jean-Paul Gaultier getup measures well for shock value, but not for villainy.

TOTAL: 38

Posted by Destro at November 6, 2002 09:31 AM