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October 27, 2003

Baxter Cain

There was a time when sports were the celebration of friendship, loyalty, and athletic ability all rolled into one. As times changed, every professional sport seemed to degrade into a collection of overpaid, pampered, hulking figures who danced and celebrated after the most pedestrian of achievements. Overseeing it all were greedy owners like Baxter Cain (Robert Vaughn) who, when the other sports fell out of favor, latched onto the latest thing, a pure creation that brought fans back to sports: BASEketball.

Cain owns the Dallas Felons franchise, the biggest rival of the Milwaukee Beers, the team on which BASEketball's creators, Joe Cooper (Trey Parker) and Doug Remer (Matt Stone), both play. Following the death of the Beers team owner, Coop became owner of the team, but it came with a condition: if he couldn't win the Denslow Cup championship during the next season, he'd lose his ownership, which would be given to the owner's widow. Hoping to cash in, Baxter Cain moved in on Denslow's widow, Yvette, in an effort to gain control of the Beers - and the entire league.

The new season found the Beers on top, driven to win the Denslow Cup and allow Coop to keep the team. However, Cain would plant the seed of deceit between Coop and Remer, playing them off of each other and tricking them into starting up a sportswear clothing sweatshop in Calcutta. In addition, he was able to get the funding of the Dream Come True Foundation cut, a cause both Coop and Remer were behing, especially because of its hot director, Jenna.

In the end, this battle would be won on the BASEketball field, where the guys would realize their mistakes and engineer an incredible comeback in the championship game against - who else? - the Dallas Felons. Cain began to count his chickens before they hatched, starting plans even before the game was over to move the Beers to Jacksonville and build a new stadium without handicapped seats. Yvette discovered how shallow Cain was, and after the Beers won the Denslow Cup and ownership of their team, Cain would end up with mud on his face. Well, milk actually, courtesy of a sweet psyche-out from Remer. "Got Milk?"

INTELLIGENCE - 7: This millionaire is a shrewd, clever businessman.

POWER - 3: He lets his team take care of the physical stuff.

VILENESS - 6: Cares nothing for the sport of BASEketball, kids, or disabled people, and in the worst owner move possible, wanted to move the Beers to Jacksonville. Ugh!

SWAY - 6: Enjoys old school villain standbys like blackmail and calling people "numbskulls."

PURITY - 7: Cain is so driven by money and power that he's actually after Yvette for her interest in the team, not her Jenny McCarthy body.

PHYSICAL - 3: Has one terrifying hairpiece.

TOTAL: 32

Posted by Destro at October 27, 2003 08:43 AM