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March 11, 2004

Dick Lecter

Dick Lecter (Robert Vaughn) is the evil CEO of LecterCorp, a conglomerate of companies that produce cigarettes, malt liquor, fast food, and all kinds of other crap no one should be eating or drinking. He is in this for the money and he doesn't care about the health problems of the people or the degenerating inner cities where these products are being forced onto the general population. But one thing he does not like is Pootie Tang (Lance Crouther).

Pootie is a superstar. A super mega superstar. He's succeeded in every way possible - music, television, women - but he's always kept the best interest of the children in mind. So, with a few public service announcements, this incredibly charismatic superstar tells the kids to stay away from cigarettes, fast food, and malt liquor - all the main LecterCorp products. The results are astounding: burger sales are down 30%, cigarettes down 20%, and the whiskey product is nearly out of business. Lecter thinks he can throw money at the problem and tries signing Pootie Tang to a lucrative contract like George Steinbrenner would sign a new Yankee. But Pootie is too smart for that and turns him down. So Lecter calls in a secret weapon.

Irenie is a crazy white bitch, and she hits Pootie right where it hurts. She hunts him down and goes after him with an animal intensity, and Pootie's sole weakness is revealed: hoes. She steals Pootie's sacred belt and, with it, his ability to fight back. He signs a LecterCorp contract under duress and soon his likeness is being used to sell every terrible Lecter product under the sun.

Pootie would be saved from that crazy bitch Irenie by the street-corner-dancin' Biggie Shorty (Wanda Sykes), and he'd find some refuge in the country with his main damie Trucky so he could cleanse himself of the dirty corporate mess LecterCorp got him into. Eventually, Pootie would return, realizing that the true power of right against wrong couldn't be found in a belt, but inside the human heart. With his friends, he would reveal Dick Lecter to be the evil CEO that he is, literally whup his ass with his old belt, and take down LecterCorp. As Pootie Tang says, "Wa dah tah!"

INTELLIGENCE - 7: An unrelenting businessman who will steep to the lowest level to win.

POWER - 3: Just an old man letting his employees fight for him.

VILENESS - 8: Actually encourages kids to drink, do drugs, etc. all to make himself more money.

SWAY - 6: Smarmy, slick, and shrewd, Dick Lecter is a true shot caller.

PURITY - 8: But what about the children? Eh, he doesn't care.

PHYSICAL - 3: His oversized glasses and skunk-like white hair streaks only add to his oily personality.

TOTAL: 35

Posted by Destro at March 11, 2004 02:00 PM