June 30, 2004
Saddam Hussein
Saddam Hussein (voiced by Matt Stone) isn't the leader of Iraq anymore. No, not after a pack of wild dogs (or Canadians) ripped him limb from limb. Now he resides in Hell, but what is not quite as expected is his ability to use his scheming ways down there as well. Sure enough, that sandy little butthole Saddam has gotten his claws into Satan (voiced by Trey Parker) and the two now represent a truly unholy alliance which could bring about the end of the world as we know it.
Meanwhile, up in South Park, the citizens are doing a good enough job of their own raising Hell on Earth. The parents of the town have struck up a movement to eliminate the two people they believe are most responsible for the filth and depravity their children have been exposed to: Terrance and Philip. These two legendary Canadian entertainers are set to be martyred by the South Park parents' coalition. Deep in Hell, Satan is planning his attack while Saddam is encouraging him, not to mention engaging in all matter of strange sexual acts with the giant red demon. Saddam insults and orders Satan around, and Satan takes it, just like a little bitch.
Kenny McCormick, one of South Park's unluckiest little citizens, dies and finds himself on Satan's doorstep. He sees that Saddam is taking advantage of the situation and of his giant horned lover. Satan, being the sensitive harbinger of evil he is, feels conflicted between his desire for the evil Saddam and his will to stand on his own two, umm, cloven hooves. Kenny tries to advise Satan on what to do, but while Saddam professes his willingness to change, Satan is not so sure. In the end, the demon is willing to give things with his lover another shot.
Soon enough, the blood of Terrance and Philip are spilled on American soil, and Satan soon ascends to the surface of Earth, Saddam in tow. Satan announces that because of mankind's foolishness, he is now able to take over the entire world. Saddam, on the other hand, believes this is his chance to regain some kind of power, and commands mankind to bow to him. Satan is taken aback by this brazen abuse of power. Kenny tells Satan that he has to stand up for himself (at least, I think Kenny said that). Satan finally does, and lets Saddam know exactly what he thinks. Saddam continues to call him name, showing no sensitivity for what Satan has gone through, so Satan rids mankind of Saddam by casting him down back into Hell, where he is impaled and (hopefully) dies. Again.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: This former military leader is ready and willing to take power as soon as he can.
POWER - 2: Saddam can't do anything without Satan. That much is obvious.
VILENESS - 10: Not only does he like to bang Satan, but I bet the Skeet Ulrich poster was his idea too. Chilling.
SWAY - 7: His psychological warfare works for a long time on Satan until the Red Beast finally grows a set.
PURITY - 10: The former Iraqi ruler is focused on regaining power at any cost, even by getting in bed (literally) with the Ruler of All That Is Evil.
PHYSICAL - 3: Between Satan and Saddam, I think we can see exactly who the little bitch is.
TOTAL: 38
Posted by Destro at 10:40 AM
June 24, 2004
Unicron
A giant planet moves through our universe, eating everything in its way. This destructive force is not just a planet, however: it is a Transformer. The mighty Unicron (voiced by Orson Welles) slowly works its way through powerless planets, eating everything without pity. It fears no power except for one: the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. The symbol of leadership for the valiant do-good Transformers rests inside the steel housing of Optimus Prime, the courageous captain of the Autobots. Therefore, Optimus Price becomes a target.
Another being hoping to destroy Prime is long-time Decepticon leader, Megatron. Together with his troops, he decides to take out the Autobots once and for all, taking over a shuttle on the home planet of Cybertron bound for Earth. The Autobots expect this shuttle to be carrying their friends, but instead it carries a sneak attack. Autobot City comes under attack and eventually Prime saves the day. The attack ends when Prime finally puts Megatron down, but not before being fatally injured. The Deceptacons retreat, but Prime is done for. He passes on the Matrix of Leadership to his top soldier, Ultra Magnus, and shuts down. In the process, the young upstrart Autobot known as Hot Rod gets involved when the Matrix falls into his hands before it gets to Magnus. (I wonder what that means...)
Meanwhile, the Deceptacons are also "welcoming" a new leader: the self-appointed Emperor, Starscream. His coronation - and reign - is interrupted, however, by a group of unfamiliar Transformers, led by someone called Galvatron. Turns out when the Deceptacons retreated, they threw their injured comrades into deep space. Unicron drifted into the same space and gobbled them up, but not before realizing that these Deceptacons had some use. He reenergized their bodies with new form, and dubbed Megatron with the new name: Galvatron. His mission: destroy the Autobot Matrix of Leadership, or die. Galvatron accepts, and upon locating the rest of the Deceptacons, destroys Starscream. He takes control of the group and leads them to destroy the Autobots.
The battle between the Autobots and Deceptacons rages on, from Earth to space to the far reaches of the planet Junk. Eventually, the bad guys catch up with the good guys, and Ultra Magnus finds himself unable to use the power of the Matrix to lead the Autobots to victory. He is blown apart and Galvatron grabs the Matrix, heading back to Unicron. Hot Rod takes command and goes after the Deceptacons. Ultimately, Unicron becomes a common enemy of all Transformers when he decides to eat Cybertron, the Transformers' home planet. Deep inside the bowels of Unicron, Hot Rod and Galvatron fight to the death, and when Hot Rod gets his hands on the Matrix, he is able to unleash its power. He transforms into Rodimus Prime and kicks Galvatron's ass, and the Matrix ignites an explosive chain reaction inside Unicron. He explodes, sending his giant head into orbit of Cybertron.
INTELLIGENCE - 5: Unicron is clever enough to keep Galvatron under control, but if he can eat entire planets full of robots, why not turn them into slaves too?
POWER - 9: This planet-sizedrobot still needs the Decepticons to accomplish his goals. And at times, he can be too big.
VILENESS - 10: Entire planets perish in Unicron's path.
SWAY - 8: With a thundering voice, he can even command the likes of Megatron, but relies on a pain laser to keep them in line.
PURITY - 10: The only thing that can stop Unicron is the Autobot Matrix of Leadership. Otherwise, he's gonna keep on eatin'.
PHYSICAL - 10: If something that big was coming, you'd run too.
TOTAL: 52
Posted by Destro at 11:30 AM
June 18, 2004
Judge Claude Frollo
Quasimodo (Tom Hulce), the bell ringing Hunchback of Notre Dame, believes that he was abandoned by his gypsy mother 20 years ago and that Judge Claude Frollo (Tony Jay), the Minister of Justice, felt pity for the baby and took him in to raise him as his own. That's not exactly how things went down. In fact, if it weren't for Notre Dame's Archdeacon, Frollo would have doomed Quasimodo to certain death at the bottom of a nearby well rather than look upon his deformed face again. Since that fateful night, Frollo has taught Quasimodo that he is an ugly monster and that he should never step foot outside the walls of Notre Dame. Everything changes when Quasimodo decides to do just that.
The annual Festival of Fools introduces both Quasimodo and Frollo to the beautiful gypsy Esmeralda (Demi Moore). She helps crown Quasimodo as the King of Fools, and when the cruel crowd turns on him when his deformity is discovered, it is Esmeralda who helps him escape from the public spectacle. Frollo is embarassed by this voluptuous girl and commands Captain Phoebus (Kevin Kline) to arrest the girl, but the gallant and moral soldier helps her claim sanctuary inside Notre Dame. It is there where Esmeralda learns more about Quasimodo, and he in turn helps her escape.
Soon, Quasimodo and Phoebus both find themselves falling in love with the gypsy girl. But in a strange twist, so does Frollo. Locked away in his chamber, Frollo curses Esmeralda for bewitching him, and stoking the fires of lust inside him. It is there that he proclaims that if he cannot have her, she will burn for her crimes. Frollo commands his troops to cleanse the city of the gypsies; when Phoebus defies Frollo's orders, he becomes an outlaw as well. Soon, Phoebus enlists Quasimodo's help to find Esmeralda to warn the gypsies of Frollo's plans to attack their hideaway, the Court of Miracles. Unbeknonst to them, they lead Frollo and his troops right to the gypsies.
Phoebus is arrested and Frollo is set to burn Esmeralda at the stake, but Quasimodo saves the day, overcoming his insecurities about his looks and swooping down to grab Esmeralda. Frollo, fed up with being upstaged and defied by outlaws and freaks, finally sets out to do what he wanted to do two decades earlier: kill Quasimodo. Frollo tries to stab Quasimodo in the hunchback, and the fight leads out to the balcony of Notre Dame. Trying to murder Quasimodo and Esmeralda, Frollo falls to his death when he steps out onto a loose piece of the church's architechture. And that's pretty much the final confirmation that Quasimodo's gargoyle friends were never rooting for the Minister of Justice; the hunchback was always their favorite.
INTELLIGENCE - 7: Frollo is a devious and shrewd liar, leveraging his position of power to his own will.
POWER - 4: The Minister of Justice is an old, frail man, relying on his troops to do his dirty work.
VILENESS - 10: Frollo is set to drop a poor baby down a well and murder gypsies because of his own sexual insecurities.
SWAY - 7: He did plenty to verbally beat down Quasimodo over the years and keep the Parisians in check.
PURITY - 8: Frollo's lust for Esmeralda and devotion to the church distract him from his mission to rid Paris of its "gypsy problem."
PHYSICAL - 5: His goofy hat clashes with his beady eyes and constant snarl.
TOTAL: 41
Posted by Destro at 10:26 AM
June 09, 2004
Shan Yu
China is facing its most deadly adversary. The Huns have advanced across its borders, led by Shan Yu (Miguel Ferrer), a hulking mountain of a man. He speaks with a dark voice and shows no pity, attacking anyone in his way. He and the Huns are coming for the Emperor and, according to Shan Yu, not even China's greatest troops will be able to stop them.
Fa Mulan (Ming-Na) is a young woman worried that one of those potential troops will be her father. He has fought in wars before for the Emperor, and has already proven his loyalty. Advanced in years and broken down from the strain placed upon his body, Mulan's father is in no shape to fight again, but if he does, he will certainly not make it home. Mulan pleads for him to stay, but he tells her it is an honor to fight for China, so during the night before her father leaves, Mulan slips away with her father's armor and sword. She cuts her long hair and steals away to the nearest camp to represent her family in her father's place.
Disguised as a young man, Mulan joins the rag-tag group of troops drafted to take on the Hun Army. Led by Captain Li Shang (B.D. Wong), they learn to work together and improve their skills, but Mulan, calling herself "Ping," has not proven herself as a worthy soldier yet. The troops are soon pulled into battle, discovering the remains of a village, and the Hun Army soon after. Shan Yu attacks and the Chinese troops survive only by some creative thinking from Mulan. The entire Hun Army is wiped out by an avalanche, but Mulan's true identity is discovered. Regardless of the great victory, Mulan is cast out by her captain.
Shan Yu resurfaces, however, with a number of his troops, and takes the Emperor hostage. Mulan comes up with another ingenious idea to defeat Shan Yu, and the troops agree to work with her. Eventually, Mulan finds herself facing Shan Yu alone. With quick thinking and some lucky help from her ancestors, Mulan sends Shan Yu hurtling into a cache of fireworks, blowing him up and ending the Hun threat once and for all. Mulan is celebrated as a national hero. For Shan Yu, it's an embarassing end to a promising, terrifying campaign across China, but underestimating the will of the Chinese people cost him everything.
INTELLIGENCE - 6: A strong and powerful leader, defeated by a woman with luck and some supernatural powers on her side.
POWER - 7: A skilled fighter and musclebound warrior.
VILENESS - 10: A killer of men, women, and children, Shan Yu has no mercy for the people of China.
SWAY - 8: Shan Yu uses his size and his voice to intimidate his next potential victims.
PURITY - 10: Determined to overrun China and destroy everyone in his path.
PHYSICAL - 7: A giant of a man, his voice matches the darkness of his heart (if he has one).
TOTAL: 48
Posted by Destro at 11:29 AM
May 31, 2004
The Queen
In a land far, far away, there lived a beautiful young princess named Snow White. She was sweet, innocent, pure, and in terms of beauty, she was the fairest in all the land. This fact stirred the jealousy inside her wicked stepmother, The Queen (voiced by Lucille La Verne), to a boiling point. The Queen practiced black magic and consulted a mirror every day to confirm that she was the most beautiful, but the moment the mirror pointed out Snow White as the prettiest one, the Queen set in motion a plan to take her out of the running.
The Queen hired a huntsman to take young Snow White out into the forest and murder her. She was so adamant that she be killed that the Queen demanded the hunter bring back the young girl's heart in a box. The hunter couldn't go through with it though. He told Snow White to seek refuge in the forest, and he brought back a pig's heart instead. Deep in the dark forest, Snow White would be very frightened until she discovered the kind animals living nearby. They led her to a small cottage where she could stay. No one was home at the time, but she cleaned the place up in the hopes the owner would give her a place to sleep. The owners would return: the Seven Dwarfs.
Doc, Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Bashful, Grumpy, and Dopey all worked hard during the day, and when they came home, they had no time to cook or clean. Snow White volunteered to help them though, and so they let the Princess stay. The wicked Queen would discover the truth of Snow White's disappearance, however, when her mirror told her that Snow White was still the fairest in the land. Enraged, the Queen used the darkest magic to transform herself, creating the perfect disguise of an old crone to get herself close to Snow White. And then, she would kill the Princess herself!
The next day when the dwarfs went off to work, the Queen went to their cottage and found Snow White alone. Baking pies, the Princess was startled to see the ugly old woman, but welcomed her into the cottage when the nearby animals started to get uncomfortable around her. Indeed, the animals could smell a rat. The old woman told Snow White the dwarfs would love a pie baked with apples, and she had the perfect one for her. She produced an impossibly shiny red apple, and told Snow White that it was a wishing apple. Wish upon the apple, take a bite, and all your dreams will come true. Young Snow White wished that the charming Prince she had met a few days ago would come and take her away, and she took a bite. The naive Princess soon discovered it was a poison apple, and cast the terrible spell of the "Sleeping Death" upon her. Snow White fell to the ground, seemingly dead.
Meanwhile, the forest animals had run off to find the dwarfs. They communicated as well as they could that Snow White was in trouble, and when they came running home, the dwarfs say the old woman leaving by their front door. They knew it was the wicked Queen. The dwarfs and animals ran after the old crone and chased her up a steep mountain top. She tried to take the dwarfs out by pushing a giant rock upon them, but her plan backfired, as the mountain crumbled beneath her feet. She fell to her death as the vultures began to circle above.
The Queen's plan backfired in the worst possible ways. Not only did her evil deed result in her own death, but she knew of one possible antidote to the spell she cast on Snow White. Only the first kiss of true love could wake someone stricken with this curse, and upon hearing of the young Princess' sleeping death-like state, the Prince Snow White met just a few days before her disappearance came to see her. The dwarfs showed him to the glass coffin they had built for her, and the Prince knelt down to kiss Snow White. She miraculously awoke, saved by true love. And they lived happily ever after.
INTELLIGENCE - 7: The Queen's knowledge of the dark arts made her a strong adversary.
POWER - 6: Strong as she was, all that black magic couldn't save her from the mob of animals and drawfs.
VILENESS - 10: She was a wicked stepmother, a mean Queen, and intent on murdering a sweet, innocent little girl.
SWAY - 7: Played the old woman part well, but she failed to convince her huntsman to kill the Princess.
PURITY - 10: Consumed by vanity and jealousy, the Queen was willing to go to any and all lengths to be the "fairest of them all."
PHYSICAL - 10: She's one snarling Queen, and the magic made her a ghastly old crone.
TOTAL: 50
Posted by Destro at 11:40 PM